> "Help, help! Cedric Diggory has been killed! Yes, Cedric Diggory, my main rival as Hogwarts Champion and object of Cho Chang's affection, has been killed in the maze! Voldemort did it! He's been dead for thirteen years, but he's back, and he killed Cedric! Don't ask how, no one ask how! There were no witnesses, please do not look for any! The other two Champions in the maze were cursed with Imperio! Don't bother fetching your Veritaserum, professor Snape, I believe it's all been stolen. I am so upset right now! Has anyone seen Cho? When do I get the prize money?"
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>THAT'S MY WIFE'S SON! THAT'S HER BOY!
HER BOY!
Hot
>no, diggity
>no doubt
I hated these motherfrickers so much. I lost my shit on a fellow cracker in school who would constantly sing bits of it.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
I USED TO TO READ WIZARD bawd MAGAZINE
Fudge, you don’t have to keep posting. You can’t salvage this one
>WHY IS THE MINISTRY OPPRESSING ME??? YES I HAVE A HISTORY OF CURSING MY OWN FAMILY FOR DRUNKEN SLIGHTS, AND I WAS DEFINITELY GOING TO MURDER MY COUSIN UNTIL THAT DEMENTOR SHOWED UP (FOR REAL IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED LISTEN TO THE SQUIB CATLADY) BUT I SWEAR VOLDEMORT, MY SINGLE CLAIM TO SIGNIFICANCE IN THIS WORLD, HAS RETURNED AND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF!
>YOU LIKE ME LOBSTER DON'T YE? DON'T YE???
Harry was a real psychopath huh
>Ron shuffled his feet uncomfortably as he stared at them, hands tangled in a worried knot
>"What the frick are you doin' Weasley?! You better not be looking away from them!", yelled Malfoy as he stroked his rock hard member as it protruded proudly from his wizarding robes.
> Ron glanced up sheepishly to see Harry vigorously pounding Hermione from behind on the Griffindor commons table
>"C'mon Ron", Harry grunted in between his rapid thrusts, "no need to be coy. Take it all in."
>As he plowed deeper and deeper into Hermione's beet red pussy he looked over at Dumbeldore, himself deeply entranced in the act taking place before him.
>"I much prefer this Chamber of Secrets to the other, professor!" Harry exclaimed.
>"FOCUS BOY!" Hissed Professor Snape, rubbing the tip of his precum glazed penis with his thumb.
>The look on Dumbledore's face lightened somewhat as Harry's thrusts became quicker.
>"You getting your vinegars, young mister Potter?" Dumbledore asked in his usual, calm tone.
>Harry didn't have time to respond before he began to ejaculate wildy deep inside of Hermione's slick c**t.
>Falling over her back, he licked the sweat from her skin and gazed up at the clock.
>"Twenty-one minutes... looks like a new house record." Harry muttered out in gasping breaths.
>Snape's dick began to go limp.
>Dumbledore, slapping Harry on the back, exclaimed, "50 points for Gryffindor."
>Ronald looked back down at his feet, tears welling in his eyes.
>Malfoy looked over at Dumbledore and yelled, "He cheated! There must be a spell or some such!"
>Tucking his willy back into his robe he stormed past Snape and over to the common room door.
>"My father will hear of this!", Malfoy whispered as he stormed out of the room.
Damn Ella Hollywood’s looking fine
my all time favourite pasta
>i much prefer this chamber of secrets to the other, professor!
is this really what those harry potter fanfics are like
if the books and movies were like that it would be way more fun
harry using his fame and money to do shit like this on a daily basis kek
What was up with the third act of Chamber of Secrets? Ron and Harry held the cowardly teacher hostage and were forcing him to go on a suicide mission with them. These are supposed to be our "heroes"? Forcing an innocent teacher do risk his life?
The position he was teaching is cursed and he was a bad teacher and partially responsible for getting them into that situation so he deserved it. He's lucky he didn't die like almost every other person that taught that class in the series.
>partially responsible for getting them into that situation so he deserved it.
How so? All I remember is he was a fraud and didn't really do the heroic shit he claimed to have done in the book? That's all I remember and if that was his only crime Ron and Harry deserved to die.
Uhhh he tried to erase their fricking memories
Literally a magic lobotomy
When they were already in the sewers? His only crime there was not executing them for holding him hostage.
He tried back in his classroom as well, they just expelliarmused him out of it.
Read the books don't watch this trash
How come the chamber of secrets built by a foubder of Hogwarts was in the sewers when they didn't even havd plumbing back then?
Plumbing was one of the secrets.
"Rowean! I have discovered a most wonderful invention of the muggers! Gone are the days of sending our poo and urine stained robes to the cleaners once a week!" Said Godric.
I love how the position is cursed so Dumbledore is like let me bring in my friend and overall good dude to teach in the third book.
Gee I hope nothing bad happens to him!
I think you're referring to the 6th book but that guy wasn't the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He taught potions class and Dumbledore was just trying to hook him up with a job. There was really no ulterior motive that I remember, they just wanted to introduce a fun character to teach the potions class since we'd be spending a lot of time there. Snape teaches the cursed class that year and Dumbledore probably did do that on purpose because he knew what else was going to happen.
he;s talking about Lupus in book 3
Lupin just went to work there on his own, Dumbledore didn't make him. Nothing really bad happened to him until the last book where he died long after quitting. He was already a werewolf before the story began since he was a child. That curse he came in with pretty much cancelled out the other one and he was actually pretty lucky. He was supposed to die but the time travel prevented that. He should have been arrested just for being a werewolf and even more so for willingly working with children while keeping that a secret. Instead he walks out alive and gets to join a cool secret club and get married.
There was an ulterior motive tho, Slughorn was the one to talk to Voldemort about Horcruxes but he never told Dumbledore what was said in that conversation. Harry was supposed to befriend him and get him to spill the details
I believe that was because he wanted Lupin there to try and talk down Black if he showed up.
Plus, since Dumbledore was aware of him being a werewolf, he gambled that exposure was a more likely outcome than death.
lmfao
>Cho Chang
How did JK Rowling get away with it?
In a relatively sabe society like the one in which Rowling was writing, there's nothing to "get away with".
Asians wouldn't have an issue naming a European character Nige Niggleshire, or something.
this little c**t was upset no one believed him. imagine being that moronic. ron shouldnt have even believed him at this point
>THAT'S MY WIFE'S SON! THAT'S MY SÖYBOY!
>YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH MY SON IS DEAD HAHA! YES!
WHY WAS HE CELEBRATING?!
>puts his name in the goblet of fire
>this happens
Harry Potter is a fricking goldmine.
OP, most probably you are in your early '30s or late '20s, why you killed a thread for this?
What is the correlation?
NOOOOO THATS MY WIFE'S DAUGHTER'S BROTHER'S UNCLE'S NEPHEW. THATS THEIR BOY!
inb4 dullest pasta
It's not like this thread even deserves the dullest pasta of the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises. Seriously each episode following the boy wizard and his pals from Hogwarts Academy as they fight assorted villains has been indistinguishable from the others. Aside from the gloomy imagery, the series’ only consistency has been its lack of excitement and ineffective use of special effects, all to make magic unmagical, to make action seem inert.
Perhaps the die was cast when Rowling vetoed the idea of Spielberg directing the series; she made sure the series would never be mistaken for a work of art that meant anything to anybody?just ridiculously profitable cross-promotion for her books. The Harry Potter series might be anti-Christian (or not), but it’s certainly the anti-James Bond series in its refusal of wonder, beauty and excitement. No one wants to face that fact. Now, thankfully, they no longer have to.
> a-at least the books were good though
"No!" The writing is dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs."
I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing. Later I read a lavish, loving review of Harry Potter by the same Stephen King. He wrote something to the effect of, "If these kids are reading Harry Potter at 11 or 12, then when they get older they will go on to read Stephen King." And he was quite right. He was not being ironic. When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.
is this supposed to be bait
if you don't think clifford for president is one of the defining keystones of western literature canon then i don't know what to say to you
don't they have a literal truth serum
only when its covenient
J.K Rowling is to her own magic the way Akira Toriyama is to his own characters
Wouldn't help. The magical world is starting to believe that Harry's crazy (thanks, Rita Skeeter and other PRESStitutes), so the truth serum would not flag him as a liar if he sincerely believes his 'visions' to be true.
It doesn't make any fricking sense that Hermione likes Ron instead of Harry. At least in the movies.
Harry is based and only liked Asians or gingers
Scared, Potter?
Not if that scene in HP6 was anything to go by
hnnnngh WHY DONT I HAVE A BLACK GF
Film-original.
"bit of a tosser really"
"gonna toss your salad in a minute darling phwoar"
She's less attractive than I remember.
Same in the books. Dumbest shit ever that Harry didn't end up with Hermione. She saved his bacon so many times and genuinely cared for him. Plus things with Ron would've never been the same after dating his little sister.
Rowling had little understanding of the male mind. Her conception was devoid of sex. Harry Potter is a book series for eunuchs in many ways.
i'm honestly surprised ron didn't "accidentally" cop a feel of hermione or any of the other girls. he seemed dumb enough. Even more surprised harry didn't use his invisibility cloak to be a voyeur
Exactly. The invisibility cloak in the hands of teenage boys? They'd be in the girls' bathroom 24/7. Not a single question what that cloak would be used for. It'd be stiff as a board within a week.
No, people keep mentioning how true to life it was. Harry, an abused orphan, ended up with the first girl who showed romantic interest in him. It was zero effort on his part, unlike dating Cho.
>people keep mentioning how true to life it was.
They do not. Lol. And if Harry was really a true to life abandoned orphan he'd be a complete butthole and a druggie mess. Hermione was crushing on him from book one, if not in word then in action. She was all over him, showed him so much care and attention.
I remember reading that Rowling actually regretted this. The plan all along was to pair Ron + Hermione, she described it as a sort of “wish fulfillment”. As the characters developed, Harry + Hermione became a much better fit, but Rowling thought that was too cliche and stuck to her plan, which she later regretted.
Not to be a wet blanket because this series was full of shitty plotholes but they can tell the last spell that you cast from your wand and Harry wouldn't be powerful enough to have killed Cedric like that anyway, no marks on the body ect means it was probably the death curse which they reveal you have to be a pretty powerful dark wizard to use reliably.
Fine day sunday.
In my opinion, best day of the week.
Why is that, Anon?
>because there's no dullposting on sundays?
Right you are, anon.
No dullposting on sundays, hah!
>"No!"
classic
>Deathly Hallows Part 2
>kill off certain main characters
>do all their deaths off screen
>meanwhile show the horrific vampire killing of that one girl Ron went out with for no reason other than to please fangirls
This series was really weird
It was an AIDS metaphor werewolf actually
I loathe the David Yates films. Worst bit is when Harry sneaks back into Hogwart's and everyone claps.
Yeah I always felt like the films started losing interest with me when he took over, something about the look of those movies is so ugly to me.
I don’t get why they didn’t bring back the direct or Prisoner of Azkaban.
>I don’t get why they didn’t bring back the direct or Prisoner of Azkaban.
Did you see the final shot of Azkaban?
Women are sadistic as frick.
I think Deathly Hallows part 1 was the only kino of the series.
>goblet of fire was actually a teleporter
>the guy who brought it into the great hall didn't remember getting teleported
>none of the wizards sensed that it was cursed
It wasn't active until the final level of the tournament and the Barty Crouch Junior probably put it in the maze and made it teleport to the graveyard himself. Although it's never really explained in such detailed.
They cut the shit out of later films, they asked Barty about that when they gave him veritaserum after capturing him:
> "I offered to carry the Triwizard Cup into the maze before dinner," whispered Barty Crouch. "Turned it into a Portkey. My master's plan worked. He is returned to power and I will be honored by him beyond the dreams of wizards."
Weird that so much stuff got left out in the Hallows films then. It's definitely more pronounced that in The Order of the Phoenix.
I'm going to say it. Deathly Hallows the book is boring and a shitty conclusion to the series. It has the lowest stakes out of all of them. The movie, specifically part one made shit more interesting. In the book they are literally on the run and camping for no reason since they have an elf on standby ready to deliver them food and supplies whenever. They can also go to the Order of the Phoenix hideout whenever. It's really just nonsense padding and her attempt at rushing in a bunch of overdue character development near the finish line.
A lot of that shit deserved to be cut out and they left in more than they needed to. The whole thing could have been one movie, if anything needed to be split in two it was Order of the Phoenix and there was no real excuse for them not to. By the time they were making it, the books were over and they knew it was the longest one in the series.
i do agree, i also remember that pretentious quote about death and whatnot from sophocles' play at the start of the book, so fricking disingenuous
>"I swear, I didn't kill Cedric Diggory!" Harry Potter shouted desperately at the raging mad Dumbledore. "You have to believe me! I would never kill my main rival as Hogward's Champion and for Cho Chang's affection!"
>Dumbledore just stared at him, his eyes filled with anger and betrayal. "You lie!" he shouted calmly. "I trusted you, Harry, and you betrayed me! You killed Cedric and you will pay for it!"
>Harry shook his head frantically. "No, I didn't! I swear, I didn't do it!"
>But Dumbledore wasn't listening. He was too consumed with anger and pain. Harry had killed Cedric and and now he had to be killed.
If it werent for Dumbledore believing Harry and going after Fake Moody. Yes, no one would believe him and he would be sent to Azkaban. At least in the books
If the books weren't written by a woman, the plot would never occur the way it does. There's no way they let a completely fricking random extremely suspicious guy into the school as a teacher and just let him do whatever he wants. If literally anyone kept an eye Barty Crouch Junior for more than a minute, he is toast and his entire plan falls apart. There's no way the entire school wouldn't be on higher alert than usual with guest from other countries around. I mean they should be on high alert about all teachers after 3 years in row of the new teacher they hired fricking shit up and almost getting kids killed. Harry's name is in the Goblet? The first thing I'd do is interrogate every single staff member and bust out the truth serum immediately.
If barty wasn't moronic he would've just turned harry's clothes, or his fricking pencil, into a portkey, and avoided the completely idiotic plan of having him win the triwizard tournament at all.
If he wasn't moronic, he would have stopped working for Voldemort and made his own rape dungeon to teleport Hermione into via portkey.
If you weren't moronic you'd have understood that the plan was to make his death appear accidental as a result of the tournament so Voldemort's return would stay secret until he was ready to move in and take over.
Kids die randomly at that school all the time, Harry's accidental death especially wouldn't be weird. It's weird that he hasn't died after actively seeking out danger and fighting so many high level magical beings alone. Him falling off the bridge outside the castle or something wouldn't be too suspicious. Throw his invisibility cloak over his body and say he was eavesdropping on a conversation or some bullshit and slipped. Or maybe he went to frick around in the evil forest again and the spiders finally got him. The only thing that looks suspicious is him dying in the middle of a public sporting event during the only time when no one but the other players had eyes on him.
or barty could have just avada kedavrad him, thrown him off a tower and placed a broken broom next to him if it needed to be an accident.
Do you think varbies exist in the Harry Potter universe?
"HARRY! YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF FLESH, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME. CEDRIC DIGGORY - DEAD! CRUCIO! I WILL TRAP YOU IN MY QUARTERS AND KEEP YOU ALIVE WHILE YOU BEG FOR SWEET RELEASE - BUT IT WILL NEVER COME, POTTER! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! NEVER ENDING TORTURE IS YOUR FATE AS YOU ARE KEPT ALIVE FOR ETERNITY, WISHING FOR DEATH! IT IS OVER FOR YOU, YOU FRICKING PIECE OF THESTRAL SHIT! WELCOME TO HELL!" said Dumbledore calmly.
Book readers, why was Harry's kiss with Ching Chong the least erotic thing I have ever read?
because the kiss itself was offscreen and harry didn't even seem to enjoy it when he talked about it later. she was crying for frick's sake. i think rowling deliberately made it awkward cause most first kisses aren't much of a success. The movie disregarded that point though
Well done Slytherin, well done...
"To all Gryffindors... Cheers. Cheers, my friends. It has been an honour. Cheers!"
Dumbledore fixes his eyes on the Slytherin table, completely ignoring Ravenclaw and the other one
"Now Slytherin... I know we have had our differences, but your ambition and hard work is truly something to behold. Admirable!"
the Slytherins are cautious. Dumbledore usually follows up a praise with some humiliation and injustice
"Indeed, I have a special treat for you all because of these traits. It's so good, that you'll love it despite its Muggle origin. It is a large apparatus which all of you can fit in which will confer all of you a deeply unique experience that shall benefit us all. A chamber of sorts. I have had that room over there fitted with the apparatus. Move along, children, shuffle into it now. You too, Snape*
The Slytherins flood into the room, some cautious and some excited.
Dumbledore slams the door shut and enchants it to be locked and airtight. He turns to the other houses
"And that special treat? That "unique experience" the Slytherins shall all experience and you all won't?*
"..."
"...Why, it's... DEATH! FRICK SLYTHERIN! THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE SLYTHERIN MENACE BEGINS NOW! PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, TURN ON THE GAS! YES, YES, WELL DONE, SLYTHERIN! WELL DO E SLYTHERIN FOR DYING SO WELL! SIX MILLION POINTS TO A HOUSE THAT SHALL CEASE TO EXIST IN 5 MINUTES!"
as Dumbledore's mouth foams during his blood-crazed tirade, the hall erupts into applause and a massive, inter-house orgy ensues. The Slytherins begin dying in the gas chamber. As Malfoy chokes on his own blood, Harry proves himself to be a sexual dominant member of the orgy
Dumbledore looks on with pride
*Years later Harry Potter tells recounts these events to his son, Albus, at bedtime, with Ginny smiling warmly at the memory.
"And that's how Dumbledore exterminated the Slytherin scum. Dumbledore truly was the greatest headmaster of them all, and a good friend"
>WELL DO E SLYTHERIN FOR DYING SO WELL! SIX MILLION POINTS TO A HOUSE THAT SHALL CEASE TO EXIST IN 5 MINUTES!"
FRICKING KEK I LAUGHED LOUD
Someone post the vocaroo
https://voca.ro/nUt57wURU0C
Good stuff man. Always funnier if you imagine it coming from the first Dumbledore, not the harsh second one.
>completely ignoring Ravenclaw and the other one
lel