If you were Q, how would you frick with the USS Enterprise?

If you were Q, how would you frick with the USS Enterprise?

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  1. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I wouldn't. I'd listen to what they had to say, and that's what nobody did.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      fppfppf
      i'd teleport the crew back to 2024 and they'd all be imprisoned for thought crimes.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Ah yes the Pre-Atomic Horror

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Isn't that just Picard season 2 ?

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >fppfppf
        >first post post first post post first
        What did he mean by this?

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Q did.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >mfw i just entered this thread to make that exact response

  2. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Randomly remove various crew members pants during tense moments.
    >intense ship battle
    >Other ship defeated and hails the Enterprise
    >"On-screen"
    >Picard is suddenly bare-assed in front of the entire bridge crew
    >surrendering aliens suddenly worry what the terms of surrender are
    >Picard is furious but has to keep his composure

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >Worf starts guffawing from the security console
      >Picard does an about-face to reprimand him
      >full battle boner

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >Randomly remove various crew members pants during tense moments.

      my headcanon is Q would shrink / remove an inch from the body of Picard's shirts and that's why Picard was always having to tug them down

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Delightfully devilish

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      aliens suddenly worry what the terms of surrender are
      lmaooo

  3. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    all males lose 1 inch

  4. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    A tiny part of me wants to see Q turning the whole crew into fluffy Max Rebos and they all come together and make cool music. Jabba can be there too for all I care, just make it wholesome.

  5. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Shrink them down and put them up my ass like it's The Magic School Bus

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      I knew I should have stayed home today.

  6. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Enterprise is attacked by twenty birds of prey except they're actually just giant birds in space and they just have to deal with it.

    Q spends the episode on the bridge making bird noises at people when they try to take it seriously.

  7. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    rule 63

  8. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    play goatse on the viewscreen

  9. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    make all the women have J cups and be nude
    any attempt to put clothes on will have the clothes melt away

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous
  10. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would definitely do time-travel plots just for the absolute frick of it. Grab some random butthole on the ship and force them to Groundhog Day or something.

  11. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    it would be one of those JAVs where you can just walk up casually to a woman and start fricking her and she'll carry on doing her work or whatever, and everyone will acknowledge it as just being normal.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Only the Japanese really understand me.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >Freeze time for all crew members except for Reginald Barclay
      >Barclay is now stuck with a permanent 12 inch erection and the knowledge that time will only resume when he cums inside a specific crew member, but he isn't given their exact identity.
      >Picard is that crew member.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        kek
        >Barclay shrivels into nothing
        >When he cums little puffs of dust come out from his dessicated balls
        >Well, the first 1786 times I banged Troi it didn't fix time, maybe the 1787th will do the trick.
        >time skip
        >Enterprise finally found centuries later.
        >Skeleton of Barclay found next to a strange mummified mass
        >mining lasers cut open the sarcumphagus
        >Counselor Troi found perfectly preserved inside

  12. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would pretend I’m an advanced robot with no friends and create a past where a giant crystal monster (me) killed my creator (also me) and use this backstory to emotionally infiltrate the crew and occasionally do stuff like introduce my evil twin brother (also me) who tries to kill everyone. Generally I would just make their daily lives an unbearable hell by pretending to be an autistic clown, stirring the pot by asking awkward questions or ruining moments like when someone tells a joke then suddenly make a scene pretending not to understand the concept of humor. They would hate me. They would love me. Then after seven years of this one day I’ll introduce another brother into their lives (also me) who’s an even bigger moron and fake my own death and make them start the process of retraining my moronic ass all over again.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Also delightfully devilish

      Kek

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >droid is an absolute dunce
      >holo doc mogs him in every way
      why did they even need androids at that point? it would make sense if a hologram was really just an immaterial projection, but that is not how star trek holds work

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Holograms are just a forcefield projector hooked into a machine learning emulation of the specified output parameters. An android is an actual lifeform and capable of much more independent functionality, in addition to having a far higher intellectual capacity (due to not needing a layer of computational emulation), making androids both more technically impressive and more generally useful. Frankly long running holograms are kind of horrifying in ways an android like data just isn't. A hologram isn't real in any way that matters, but can be and frequently are programmed in such a way to act as though they think they are.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          they literally turn holodoc into basically a real pinochino by giving him his own personal holoprojector
          it is moronic

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Oh I know they do, but it's just a coping mechanism on their part. The doc is, was, and always will be, nothing more than a session of generative AI emulation of Dr. Lewis Zimmerman's personality. A computational guesstimation of the human soul.

  13. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Decrease the size of Picard to 4ft during crucial diplomatic negotiations on some backwater border dispute that requires his physical presence or great offense will be taken from the the diplomatic representatives.

    Also gender bend Riker.

  14. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would turn the entire crew into african americans. Picard would be the only white one

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >Soul Plane, but the Enterprise.
      >Replicators reconfigured to only serve fried chicken and malt liquor, and none of that synthahol sheeit.
      >Bridge turned into a strip club.
      >Picard has to keep running people out of the VIP (aka his ready room)
      >Holodecks are all broken within the first week from live weapons fire.
      >Picard keeps yelling at Worf to keep the baboons in line but they just suck their teeth and call him a "corny homie".

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        WHY DONT YOU GO MAKE ME SOME WAFFLES WITH YO FOREHEAD homie

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Wouldn't The Sisko have to transfer to be captain?

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          Deep Space Walmart

  15. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    All the food tastes like the same exact cheese pizza for a week.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      All the food tastes like three different things at random.
      >Cottage cheese
      >Anchovies
      >Hot sauce

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >Chief Engineer, the Lawry's coefficient has been increased 432%, any more and we'll have to divert power from the warp core
        >Ensign, make it so

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          If that falls on an anchovy draw, you're lookin' at inedible saltiness.

  16. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Force them to watch episodes of Picard, Discovery, and bsaically everythig after DS9 all the time.

  17. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >Give all crew members random intervals of explosive diarrhea that is so intense it cannot be contained for even an instant
    >Oh, Mon Capitain! Your race can't even control basic bodily functions! Don't they potty train humans?

  18. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Warp Patrick S Tomlinson through space and time onto the Enterprise and convince him Data has been sending him felonious text messages

  19. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Troy has to be nude like in all those sleazy film she did before she got the part.

  20. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    impregnate all the females at the same time and they all give birth to babies with q's head

  21. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >Zap away waste extraction
    >Zap away all the replicators
    >Zap in a big pile of buckets

  22. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I'd just show up and hang around, constantly suggesting that I'm there to observe some new test for humanity, when in actuality I'm just there to get away from the wife and kid for a few days. As an added perk, John Luck will be going out of his mind trying to figure out what game I'm playing at.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      I'd just sit silently in Ten Forward sipping a (bottomless) cup of coffee and staring out the window .And anytime someone tried to talk to me I'd go "ah ah ah!" and point to the cup which says DON'T TALK TO ME TIL IVE HAD MY COFFEE

  23. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Make a Leviathan/Space Whale.
    Make it sexually attracted to USS Enterprise.
    ???
    Profit.

  24. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would show them episodes of Picard.

  25. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    What you all could use is a little... humility. Let's play a little game, shall we? I'm going to show you an alternate version of things as you know them - and I promisd this isn't some silly adventure where Evil Riker has no beard. Picard, you are now the good doctor's son - bright, gifted, annoying to all around you. Microbrain, you manage the school. Data, you get to experience being human at last - as a geriatric scientist about to die of old age. And Riker... dear Riker... you are now a buxom, young, attractive ensign with the profound misfortune of catching the eye of the lascivious and insatiable Commander Barclay. He doesn't take"no" for an answer. And you, Councillor Telepath - put some clothes on, this is a starship for heaven's sake. You shall wear a starfleet regulation Niqab. Don't let anyone see those ankles.

  26. 1 month ago
    Anonymous
  27. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Make Star Trek: Discovery.

  28. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    make every episode a wesley episode

  29. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    the fricked up thing is, every sex thing is already possible on the holodeck anyway.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      What happens to all the jizz pumped inside holo-characters anyway? When the program ends does it just fall and splatter on the ground? Do they have a guy to wipe down the loads?

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        troi goes in there on her hands and knees and sucks it all up like a hoover. its actually her main profession on the ship seeing as she's useless as a counsellor and bridge crew.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          >troi goes in there on her hands and knees and sucks it all up like a hoover
          i can imagine her like a meat roombah bumping into the walls

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          learning is fun!

  30. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would put a pear under picard's seat cushion, so stale and firm as to cause discomfort, but too small to notice without lifting the cushion itself. But even IF picard were to pick up the cushion, it would have a cloaking device rendering it invisble to the naked eye. every three days, another pea would appear on another part of the cushion

  31. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Randomise all the controls on all decks.

  32. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Make Riker's penis small

  33. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Make all the bathrooms gender neutral

  34. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would spend years presenting the enterprise with increasingly bizzare phenomena that challenged their technical skills, creativity, and moral character. Time traveling klingons from the war, giant 2 dimensional interstellar aliens, a space pod that randomly bestows hyper intelligence to one of the crew members, that kinda thing. Could frick with their technology in ways thought impossible, like infecting the teleporter with aliens or the ship's computer with sapient nanites. In addition to collecting useful information on humanity's problem solving capacity and social evolution, it would be funny to see Starfleet's reaction to the increasingly insane incident reports. Of course, every now and again I'd have to reveal myself with some very obvious prank to make them think that the lunacy of their other encounters is just natural phenomena, but it's not like that isn't fun. I was also thinking about introducing multiple instances of myself and pretending to be at disagreement, just to drive home the narrative that I have anything else to do than follow around Picard and his crew, and give them something else to worry about.

    Or maybe I'll just replace the synthahol with ethanol. That would be a fun gag.

  35. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >If you were Q, how would you frick with the USS Enterprise?
    Pull some over-complicated scheme that reveals the existence of Section 31 to Picard so that he looses faith in the federation.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      This is the best answer so far. Q's job is to test human morality after all.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Data proved a better human than ALOT of the federation tbdesu.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          Objection.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          a lots is two words you homosexual

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        is it really his actual "job"? I thought those that are over him just say
        >yeah nah don't frick shit up too much alright
        but hes still free to do what he wants.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          When Picard solved the galaxy-erasing anomaly puzzle Q said it had been a directive from the Continuum and that "the trial never ends". He might lie about other things, but I don't think he would ever lie about the Continuum's orders given that they're the only people who can actually punish him. He's probably free to do what he wants at the individual level, simply because individual humans are still too primitive to be of interest. It's the species as a whole they want him to study.

          >reveal section 31
          >section 31
          its section 31 in the charter. picard knows all about it. would need to be an overgrown monkey or something to miss it

          IIRC the charter just has some vague allowances for extraordinary measures, but doesn't go into any detail about how the organisation is structured. Most people probably assume there's just some special branch of Starfleet intelligence that handles those things, rather than a completely independent unaccountable secret agency.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >be an all powerful god
        >get fired from your wagie job

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >reveal section 31
      >section 31
      its section 31 in the charter. picard knows all about it. would need to be an overgrown monkey or something to miss it

  36. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Turn everyone on the ship into Miles O'Brien except for Picard. Now Picard has to find the real O'Brien or every hour one of the fakes dies. After 3 hours Picard has it figured out but keeps picking the wrong O'Brien because he's tired of Q's bullshit. and also dislikes O'Brien.

  37. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I'd freeze the ship and say they can only leave after each woman have given birth 10 times, then just watch.

  38. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    When I was a wee lad in primary school, we'd sit in a circle reading the book of the day, and the teacher would randomly say
    >read all words starting with p with potato
    >if you break, its the next persons turn to read
    so if I were Q, I'd do this in real life to everyone on the bridge
    >words starting with C are cucumber
    >F is fridge
    >s is salami
    etc

  39. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >She's found a vulnerability in you. A vulnerability I've been looking for for years.
    >If I'd known sooner, I would have appeared as a female.
    Qpid strongly implies Q's body is completely arbitrary. He/She/It could show up anywhere as anyone and you'd never know the difference.
    In Q's place I would come back every week as a different species to present the Enterprise with some incredibly elaborate ethical dilemma, then watch as Picard paces around the conference room facepalming at all the options presented to him.
    I'd keep a video record of how the crew respond to my conundrums. Then I'd go to a parallel reality and release it as a tv series called "Star Trek".

  40. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Probably turn into a cute girl and frick everyone on the ship no homosexual its just a prank dude.

  41. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I'd play the bop of a theme song that is Enterprise.
    >it's been a long road....

  42. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Have everyone but the main head crew gaslight them into thinking different people were heads of different departments.

    Worf? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be running engineering.
    Why are you giving orders, Riker? You're not executive officer, you're Counselor. Troi? Counselor? Is this a joke? She's the security chief.
    All the 'paperwork' states these roles are accurate, all the non officer staff believes it, so it's just Picard et al who know something is amiss. And they can't find Data.

    Until they come across Q larping as a regular enterprise crew-member, who while remaining his usual shitposting self is playing faithful to the bit only for them to find out Data is Q, and everyone but the officers treat it as a long-established fact.

  43. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Turn everyone into horny women and have me be the only male

  44. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Everytime Picard needed to sit across the table and really flex diplomacy, I'd conjure a drunk, belligerent Kirk to sit beside him.

  45. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Replace everyone’s blood with chocolate milk.

  46. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would make every toilet fill up with poop right before the crewman pooped (but after they are sitting)
    >it would be years before anyone caught on

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Has it ever been confirmed that they even have toilets? They occasionally show sonic showers, but I don't remember there ever being a toilet in the room. Maybe the shower can break up poop with sound waves so it doubles as a toilet.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >Lt Tuvok, I'm going to need you to get a transporter lock on this massive log in my lower intestine.
        >I had 3 servings of gagh yesterday for lunch
        >Beam it directly to the EMH's desk for analysis
        >HURRY

  47. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would dress up as a spooky ghost and chase Worf, Geordi, and Guinan around.

  48. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I wish I’d watched TNG first because every time he shows up I just see/hear Discord, as opposed to the other way around.

  49. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Appear as Discord for a whole day, and then resume normal appearance afterwards, and not acknowledge anything being different whatsoever.

  50. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    everyones shoes make clown honking noises when the take a step

  51. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    turn riker gay and watch shenanigans occur on the bridge

  52. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Is give captain Picard an Afro while he was sleeping, and have it immediately grow back if he tries to cut it or perm it.

  53. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I would force them to experience nuTrek as their characters as they were at the time. Make the Picard of Measure of a Man and Drumhead listen to the simpering platitudinous bullshit of PICARD Picard and insist to the former that yes, that is what he's going to turn into - it'd make a fun counterpoint to Tapestry.

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