lol the 80s movies have barely anything to do with the actual Conan stories. As shitty as the Momoa one is, at least it feels more like an actual Conan and Hyborian age story
Are you fricking kidding me? The Milius movie is an amalgamation of tons of Howard stuff. The Momoa movie is a generic modern fantasy and is just as
I've watched tons of trash S&S movies (which is most of them) but this was one of the few so trash I couldn't get halfway through.
Conan doesn't need an origin story.
Conan should not have an ebin "gather the thirteen mcguffons to save the world" plot.
said. Like for frick's sake they call the world Hyboria, the filmmaker's didn't know it was Earth in the mythical Hyborian Age which refers to a people, not a place. There's absolutely nothing Conan about the 2011 movie whatsoever.
Your mind has been warped by television anon, in what world is momoa soi? Arnie looked too big he could barely swing his sword. So he had to lose some muscle just to do that.
He's like 6'4". I was watching that cabin movie he was in the other night and it's really weird and immersion breaking seeing him get thrown around like a rag doll and fricked up by dudes half his size.
Isn't he like 6'3-6-4? At that height you wouldn't see the muscles on screen. Its why donnie yen looks ripped in certain movies even though he's like 5'7.
Bro she fricking sucked and everything that came out of her mouth made me cringe. If all she did was have things go into her mouth my review would be different but it is what it is
No, it's not worth it. It's an incredibly generic modern fantasy film with no defining traits. Bland, aimless, pointless, template script filmmaking. As a Conan movie it's even worse. The filmmakers did zero research and no respect or interest in the source materials whatsoever and it shows if you know Conan stuff. It's no better or worse than Destroyer which is a fricking travesty, but that at least had a salvageable concept.
Pro-tip: the world or land is not called Hyboria, Hyborian refers to a people, not a place. The filmmakers didn't know this. They didn't know Howard set the stories in the Hyborian Age of ancient Earth.
>Sword and sorcery too much sorcery not enough sword
This man gets it. Any one of the magical things in this movie would have been the highlight of a real Conan story. But the filmmakers didn't read the fricking stories.
It's okay. They paid attention to the source material, at least.
No they fricking didn't you dumb gorilla Black person
there's a skinny redhead dancing topless in the background of the tavern scene that looked good. that's my best memory of it. rose mcgowan should've had her breasts out the whole time.
I wish the fantasy genre in film and TV could get over their two types of story >EPIC WORLD SPANNING ADVENTURE >grimdark shit and brown faux-historical political intrigue
Sword and Sorcery's small scale, personal stakes adventures with strong characters and good action in interesting locations would be ideal for a new world of mid-budget movies. The original Milius Conan film works so well for many reasons, and one of them is because it isn't a globe-trotting adventure and Conan isn't a chosen one, but it's his story from his perspective and personal connection. Of course I don't trust modern day filmmaking to get gritty and visceral but energetic and rich S&S style stories right without a quirky and diverse band of heckin cinnamon buns.
Its sickening how badly they wanted to be LOTR w/o the budget and planning needed for it. Most S&S needs more Hercules than LOTR. Its like counting Dudes and Dragons a sprawling epic due to its length.
As much as I like the LOTR movies, and I love Fellowship, they irrevocably fricked up fantasy cinema. They shaped the normie consensus of what fantasy must be until GoT came along and changed it into something arguably worse. But S&S is suited to modern day long form TV storytelling, each season an 8 episode one and done story.
80s fantasy hits the sweetspot of both having large scopes i.e. Excalibur, or whimsy like The Princess Bride. Atleast in terms of Sword and Sorcery fantasy, the 80s had the most variety. Post-LOTR, every S&S fantasy looks like a high budget knockoff. Doesn't help D&D shows are way obsessed with LOTR.
Destroyer has a salvageable plot, here's my pulled-from-my-ass attempt to fix it
>conan is hired by some noble to bring her naive daughter to some temple for religious stuff >instead of having a sorceress promise she'll resurrect conan's waifu lmao >along for the ride is the girl's protective bodyguard, gigahomie, who doesn't trust conan >girl and homie very serious, chosen one shit going on >conan really doesn't care >pass through city and have mini-adventure to save grace jones, because conan's kinda into that >grace jones the terrifying kushite savage warrior woman becomes role model to timid palace girl >adventures in the wilderness, conan and giga respect one another after conan saves the girl's life >get to isolated temple only to learn the girl's a sacrifice to bring some awful shit into existence >everyone is okay abandoning the quest looking at this shit, but girl has mixed feelings, it's all she's ever known >battle with witch-queen, god monster is resurrected wrong, conan kills it with heroic sacrifice from giga >conan doesn't get with grace jones, she and girl ride off into the sunset because girl can't return >conan goes off to find prostitutes, content another abomination is dead
>read old conan comics >conan just wanders around brutalizing rando's >REALLY hates wizards >nekked female? why yes to implying sex >dragon? why yes please to chopping it
...and Hollyweird destroys a legit possible franchise, per the usual nepotism.
Literally all they need to do is make a miniseries based on the marvel comics.
Read the original Howard stories, they're even better. Really cinematic, full of rich description, great pacing and action, all the weird and magical stuff lurks in the fringes and is treated as strange and dangerous. Same for basically all of Howard's fiction, at least the fantasy stuff, he was insanely prolific. Bran Mak Morn is underrated as frick, fictional devolved stone age Picts fighting Celts and Romans in the last corner of their once vast neolithic empire. Men of the Shadows is probably the best lore dump ever written as a story. Bran goes from being a protagonist to a looming menace in various different Pict-based stories, it's really interesting.
Post-Howard stuff tends to frick up Conan's character and doesn't have the philosophical underpinning about personal freedom and the corrupting influence of civilization, it's really just surface level visuals. The megafans who wrote Conan after Howard died (Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp) didn't get it, much like August Derleth didn't get Lovecraft and made it about good and evil gods and le insanity tomes. Read those Howard stories lads.
>Post-Howard stuff tends to frick up Conan's character and doesn't have the philosophical underpinning about personal freedom and the corrupting influence of civilization, it's really just surface level visuals. The megafans who wrote Conan after Howard died (Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp) didn't get it, much like August Derleth didn't get Lovecraft and made it about good and evil gods and le insanity tomes. Read those Howard stories lads.
QFT.
Thanks lads. Need to read some wider Howard stuff, I've read Conan, Bran, Kull, Solomon and a ton of his horror stuff which is kind of hit and miss, and I remember one story called Skull Face that was like Fu Manchu with Atlantean priests, good stuff. The fantasy fiction is the real deal though, absolutely devoured it all.
>Post-Howard stuff tends to frick up Conan's character and doesn't have the philosophical underpinning about personal freedom and the corrupting influence of civilization, it's really just surface level visuals. The megafans who wrote Conan after Howard died (Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp) didn't get it, much like August Derleth didn't get Lovecraft and made it about good and evil gods and le insanity tomes. Read those Howard stories lads.
I enjoyed it for the first half-hour or so. "Birth on the battlefield" and egg-test ridiculousness aside, it seemed like a solid flick. The characters weren't bad, and the world was portrayed pretty well. The villains were appropriately campy, Ron Perlman was great as a father figure and Momoa nailed the not-quite-the-good-guy Conan. Unfortunately, after the sand golems fight it steadily got worse. The last quarter of it i was practically cringing from bad fight choreography, CGI and camera work.
>I enjoyed it for the first half-hour or so. "Birth on the battlefield" and egg-test ridiculousness aside, it seemed like a solid flick. The characters weren't bad, and the world was portrayed pretty well. The villains were appropriately campy, Ron Perlman was great as a father figure and Momoa nailed the not-quite-the-good-guy Conan. Unfortunately, after the sand golems fight it steadily got worse. The last quarter of it i was practically cringing from bad fight choreography, CGI and camera work.
same here. I hate Hollywood israelites so much, we were supposed to get kino once everyone could make movies with phones, but all we get are remakes and reboots
As a movie it's all over the place. It tries new things sometimes, but they don't really work out. They try and ape the original with the village raid scene at the beginning and then follow his life, but then they talk about how he has these great friends all of a sudden, but it doesn't really go anywhere or even try to show how he got them. The movie also kinds of just teleports around without making sense, and the fighting is no-risk and loads of jump cuts.
It's hilariously stupid, so if you go in with the right mindset you might really enjoy it, but it's also super boring for long stretches so maybe not. Depends on your sense of humor I guess.
Nice breasts
bump
It's okay. They paid attention to the source material, at least.
no not really. Just watch the 80s Conan films again. the new ones lack the feeling of the Conanverse.
lol the 80s movies have barely anything to do with the actual Conan stories. As shitty as the Momoa one is, at least it feels more like an actual Conan and Hyborian age story
Are you fricking kidding me? The Milius movie is an amalgamation of tons of Howard stuff. The Momoa movie is a generic modern fantasy and is just as
said. Like for frick's sake they call the world Hyboria, the filmmaker's didn't know it was Earth in the mythical Hyborian Age which refers to a people, not a place. There's absolutely nothing Conan about the 2011 movie whatsoever.
haven't seen it in a long time but I didn't find it very memorable
>casting some lowtest soiboi dyel skeleton instead of an actual bodybuilder
Verhoeven's King Conan when?
Jesus anon...
you are reaching for true cinema hand crafted goodness ending in a cult classic for that one if Vore-Hoven did it.
>evil corporations usually
>instead go with evil wizard convenience store chains
>time to butcher up the local 7/11 hot dog hedge wizard
count me in
Your mind has been warped by television anon, in what world is momoa soi? Arnie looked too big he could barely swing his sword. So he had to lose some muscle just to do that.
No, absolutely not. I went to the cinema to see it and it was completely forgettable. Even worse than Prince of Persia movie with Gyllenhaal
Only for world creation. Perhaps this one does it even better than 80s one but overall 80s one is still better.
it's better than Conan the Destroyer but still shit compared to the original
destroyer had that really hot princess wearing skimpy outfits though
so does bolero
Damn, i remember thinking he was huge when I first saw it before I started lifting
He is big.
Lifting and browsing bodybuilder forums just gives you body-dysphoria.
He's big by normal standards, Conan should be big by anyone's standard.
The small scale "peplum" movies would take long for a resurgence.
He's a good 50 lb's lighter than arnold was in the first movie, that's only forgivable if this was supposed to be 16 year old conan
He's like 6'4". I was watching that cabin movie he was in the other night and it's really weird and immersion breaking seeing him get thrown around like a rag doll and fricked up by dudes half his size.
Isn't he like 6'3-6-4? At that height you wouldn't see the muscles on screen. Its why donnie yen looks ripped in certain movies even though he's like 5'7.
Jason is awesome but why did he date a black woman?
I only like the father/daughter incest in this movie.
I liked it but it suffers from modern snark. The tone is too light.
It's actually the closest to the original Howard stories.
Rose McGowan doing incest was the best part
She was pretty hot in this movie ngl
scorpion king was better and why didnt they just make a jason and the argonauts?
I wish this wasn't thing
NO
the sam hyde biopic will be kino
What happened with all that Aquaman money he got? Dude roams around with a torn shirt lmao
People pay thousands for those pre-torn shirts from designers, bud. Not being sarcastic, that shirt was probably ridiculously expensive.
Do they come with stains too
That's how teenagers dress now. It's fashionable.
Is this really Jason or Sam Hyde?? I can't tell
Jason Mamoa is just one of Sam Hyde's many characters.
He's really just a working-class kid from Iowa.
https://www.kcci.com/article/norwalk-iowa-native-jason-momoa-gets-his-big-hollywood-break/36901642#
Sword and sorcery too much sorcery not enough sword. Rose McGowan's character was fricking awful and didn't need to be there.
Boobs.
>Rose McGowan's character was fricking awful and didn't need to be there.
Gayest take
Bro she fricking sucked and everything that came out of her mouth made me cringe. If all she did was have things go into her mouth my review would be different but it is what it is
No, it's not worth it. It's an incredibly generic modern fantasy film with no defining traits. Bland, aimless, pointless, template script filmmaking. As a Conan movie it's even worse. The filmmakers did zero research and no respect or interest in the source materials whatsoever and it shows if you know Conan stuff. It's no better or worse than Destroyer which is a fricking travesty, but that at least had a salvageable concept.
Pro-tip: the world or land is not called Hyboria, Hyborian refers to a people, not a place. The filmmakers didn't know this. They didn't know Howard set the stories in the Hyborian Age of ancient Earth.
>Sword and sorcery too much sorcery not enough sword
This man gets it. Any one of the magical things in this movie would have been the highlight of a real Conan story. But the filmmakers didn't read the fricking stories.
No they fricking didn't you dumb gorilla Black person
You seem gay I'm gonna believe the other people
No neither are the originals
He looked much more like the way Conan was described in the stories. And the Lovecraftian monsters were better than a larger than average snake.
i saw it in 3d and i was so distracted by the bad 3d conversion (they shot it in 2d) that i completely forgot the substance of the film
Why did they keep pronouncing his name as "Co-nin", like he was Conan O'Brian? It's always been "Co-naan".
Because that's how you say the name Conan
It's not bad.
there's a skinny redhead dancing topless in the background of the tavern scene that looked good. that's my best memory of it. rose mcgowan should've had her breasts out the whole time.
I wish the fantasy genre in film and TV could get over their two types of story
>EPIC WORLD SPANNING ADVENTURE
>grimdark shit and brown faux-historical political intrigue
Sword and Sorcery's small scale, personal stakes adventures with strong characters and good action in interesting locations would be ideal for a new world of mid-budget movies. The original Milius Conan film works so well for many reasons, and one of them is because it isn't a globe-trotting adventure and Conan isn't a chosen one, but it's his story from his perspective and personal connection. Of course I don't trust modern day filmmaking to get gritty and visceral but energetic and rich S&S style stories right without a quirky and diverse band of heckin cinnamon buns.
Its sickening how badly they wanted to be LOTR w/o the budget and planning needed for it. Most S&S needs more Hercules than LOTR. Its like counting Dudes and Dragons a sprawling epic due to its length.
As much as I like the LOTR movies, and I love Fellowship, they irrevocably fricked up fantasy cinema. They shaped the normie consensus of what fantasy must be until GoT came along and changed it into something arguably worse. But S&S is suited to modern day long form TV storytelling, each season an 8 episode one and done story.
80s fantasy hits the sweetspot of both having large scopes i.e. Excalibur, or whimsy like The Princess Bride. Atleast in terms of Sword and Sorcery fantasy, the 80s had the most variety. Post-LOTR, every S&S fantasy looks like a high budget knockoff. Doesn't help D&D shows are way obsessed with LOTR.
Destroyer has a salvageable plot, here's my pulled-from-my-ass attempt to fix it
>conan is hired by some noble to bring her naive daughter to some temple for religious stuff
>instead of having a sorceress promise she'll resurrect conan's waifu lmao
>along for the ride is the girl's protective bodyguard, gigahomie, who doesn't trust conan
>girl and homie very serious, chosen one shit going on
>conan really doesn't care
>pass through city and have mini-adventure to save grace jones, because conan's kinda into that
>grace jones the terrifying kushite savage warrior woman becomes role model to timid palace girl
>adventures in the wilderness, conan and giga respect one another after conan saves the girl's life
>get to isolated temple only to learn the girl's a sacrifice to bring some awful shit into existence
>everyone is okay abandoning the quest looking at this shit, but girl has mixed feelings, it's all she's ever known
>battle with witch-queen, god monster is resurrected wrong, conan kills it with heroic sacrifice from giga
>conan doesn't get with grace jones, she and girl ride off into the sunset because girl can't return
>conan goes off to find prostitutes, content another abomination is dead
I've watched tons of trash S&S movies (which is most of them) but this was one of the few so trash I couldn't get halfway through.
Conan doesn't need an origin story.
Conan should not have an ebin "gather the thirteen mcguffons to save the world" plot.
>read old conan comics
>conan just wanders around brutalizing rando's
>REALLY hates wizards
>nekked female? why yes to implying sex
>dragon? why yes please to chopping it
...and Hollyweird destroys a legit possible franchise, per the usual nepotism.
Literally all they need to do is make a miniseries based on the marvel comics.
Read the original Howard stories, they're even better. Really cinematic, full of rich description, great pacing and action, all the weird and magical stuff lurks in the fringes and is treated as strange and dangerous. Same for basically all of Howard's fiction, at least the fantasy stuff, he was insanely prolific. Bran Mak Morn is underrated as frick, fictional devolved stone age Picts fighting Celts and Romans in the last corner of their once vast neolithic empire. Men of the Shadows is probably the best lore dump ever written as a story. Bran goes from being a protagonist to a looming menace in various different Pict-based stories, it's really interesting.
Post-Howard stuff tends to frick up Conan's character and doesn't have the philosophical underpinning about personal freedom and the corrupting influence of civilization, it's really just surface level visuals. The megafans who wrote Conan after Howard died (Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp) didn't get it, much like August Derleth didn't get Lovecraft and made it about good and evil gods and le insanity tomes. Read those Howard stories lads.
I'm a Steve Costigan fan, myself. But seriously, this is the best post, just read Howard.
Thanks lads. Need to read some wider Howard stuff, I've read Conan, Bran, Kull, Solomon and a ton of his horror stuff which is kind of hit and miss, and I remember one story called Skull Face that was like Fu Manchu with Atlantean priests, good stuff. The fantasy fiction is the real deal though, absolutely devoured it all.
>Post-Howard stuff tends to frick up Conan's character and doesn't have the philosophical underpinning about personal freedom and the corrupting influence of civilization, it's really just surface level visuals. The megafans who wrote Conan after Howard died (Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp) didn't get it, much like August Derleth didn't get Lovecraft and made it about good and evil gods and le insanity tomes. Read those Howard stories lads.
QFT.
I enjoyed it for the first half-hour or so. "Birth on the battlefield" and egg-test ridiculousness aside, it seemed like a solid flick. The characters weren't bad, and the world was portrayed pretty well. The villains were appropriately campy, Ron Perlman was great as a father figure and Momoa nailed the not-quite-the-good-guy Conan. Unfortunately, after the sand golems fight it steadily got worse. The last quarter of it i was practically cringing from bad fight choreography, CGI and camera work.
>I enjoyed it for the first half-hour or so. "Birth on the battlefield" and egg-test ridiculousness aside, it seemed like a solid flick. The characters weren't bad, and the world was portrayed pretty well. The villains were appropriately campy, Ron Perlman was great as a father figure and Momoa nailed the not-quite-the-good-guy Conan. Unfortunately, after the sand golems fight it steadily got worse. The last quarter of it i was practically cringing from bad fight choreography, CGI and camera work.
same here. I hate Hollywood israelites so much, we were supposed to get kino once everyone could make movies with phones, but all we get are remakes and reboots
As a movie it's all over the place. It tries new things sometimes, but they don't really work out. They try and ape the original with the village raid scene at the beginning and then follow his life, but then they talk about how he has these great friends all of a sudden, but it doesn't really go anywhere or even try to show how he got them. The movie also kinds of just teleports around without making sense, and the fighting is no-risk and loads of jump cuts.
I watched but I can't remember a single thing from it
>Crom, No one, not even you, remember this movie, was it good or bad, why it was made or how it ended
It's hilariously stupid, so if you go in with the right mindset you might really enjoy it, but it's also super boring for long stretches so maybe not. Depends on your sense of humor I guess.