Jerry: whats so great about those tokens anyway
George: theyre non-fungible jery
Jerry: non fungible?
George: they cant be funged!
Kramer: you know my friend bob sacamano, he funged a token once
Jerry: what happened
Kramer: lets just say he wont be funging again
 |
 Ape Out Shirt $21.68 |
|
Elaine enters Jerry's apartment
"Jer? You the door was open, are you in here?"
"Elaine get out!" Jerry's voice comes from behind the bathroom door.
"Jerry, what are you doing in there?"
Cut to Jerry spraying lysol everywhere. "She gave me Covid Elaine! She said she got the vaccine! Now I'm quarantined in here!"
Kramer enters, "Hey, Elaine. Hey JERRY! I got to borrow your computer!"
Jerry sighs, "What do you need that for Kramer?"
"Fortnite Jerry! The girls in my creative pottery class are all about those wacky dances!"
"Can't you just watch those on Youtube?"
Kramer laughs, "That's what the computer is for!" Shaking his head, he takes the PC out.
Elaine: "Covid, is that some kind of fungus?"
"Haven't you been watching the news? This is the biggest virus in the history of mankind, the plague has got nothing on this thing!"
"Bigger than AIDS?"
"AIDS has dreams where it's as big as Covid, now get out of here, before I infect you too!
"Wait Jerry, could you do me one favor? I need you to call J Peterman and tell him you gave me Covid?"
"Why?"
"Because if I get sick and he will insist I work remotely. REMOTE WORK JERRY! Think of all the time I'll have!"
"I can't Elaine, I can't even leave this room to answer the phone, Kramer has been slipping peanut butter and Captain Crunch sandwiches under the door!"
"Well what should I do then?"
"Ask George!"
"George is no good, ever since I slept with his cousin who looks like him he's been weird with me. "
"Well, I can't help you, so unless you come from the future where Trump cures Covid, I'm stuck sleeping in my bathtub for two weeks!"
Elaine puts on her mask. "Hah, two weeks, ever notice how everytime they tell us the world is coming to an end, it's a two week time frame? What's up with that?"
"Elaine if you got a minute could you head to the store and get me some more mouthwash?"
J PETERMAN:
Elaine, it has come my attention you own Litecoin, ADA and BSV.
ELAINE:
No, mr. Peterman, please, i don't own any crypto... Please, check my wallet, i don't even like crypto-
J PETERMAN:
Enough babble, Elaine. I too dabbled with crypto on my Lisbon Web summit, i have received a whole airdrop of bitcoins, whole lot, thousands.
ELAINE:
Thousa-? Of bitcoi-ins?
J PETERMAN:
Elaine, let me tell you, the only thing that works in crypto is buying high and selling low, rest is just nonsens!
ELAINE:
What about mining? You know, to confirm transact-
J PETERMAN:
Ha-Ha, mining??! Mining is phantom Elaine, it doens't exist.
ELAINE:
It doesn't? But my boyfrien-
J PETERMAN:
Elaine, i am surprised that you have shown such tech afinity, that's why i am naming for discord moderator of J Peterman crypto discord.
ELAINE:
(completely resignated)
Yes, mr. Peterman.
J PETERMAN:
Oh, dont be such grime, we have the best memes on our channel! And you love memes!
ELAINE:
Yes mr. Peterman, i love memes.
JERRY: Everyone's getting rich but me from this crypto hype. I'm down over five thousand bucks you know. And coinbase support is no help. I call everyday and still can't get my money back.
GEORGE: Coinbase? Why'd deposite there?? So you didnt use MY affiliate link i sent you for FTX?? Why'd you do that?
JERRY: I was playing wordle and it kept popping up so i thought they were legit. FTX is ran by some 20 year old kid.
GEORGE: So? 20 year olds are the only ones that get crypto. Pass me the salt.
JERRY: Hey'd you hear about Elaine becoming discord moderator at J Peterman?
GEORGE: Discord mod?? Elaine??!? I WANTED that job!
JERRY: Well i'm sure if you'd talk to her you'd be hired immediately. She doesn't know how to meme.
GEORGE: I'm a good memer. JERRY: You do meme quite good. GEORGE: Cmon, im really good at it.
JERRY: How hard can it be? If crypto is down you use pink faces and if it's up you use green faces.
GEORGE: Wojaks, Jerry. They're called Wojaks! Pink for down, green for up. JERRY: Ok, George, i get it.
GEORGE: (looks at phone screen) God i hope chainlink hits 100 bucks.
JERRY: Just sell your links and go work for Elaine. At least earn back they money you lost.GEORGE: NEVER JERRY. I'M NEVER SELLING! George storms out of the coffeeshop, comes back. NOT SELLING!
George: I finally found the one, Jerry! Rust!
Jerry: Rust?
George: Rust!
Jerry: Oh not that new thing again. Have you *seen* the syntax in that? They clearly don't want people using it.
George: With memory safety like this baby has they can use any syntax they wish.
Jerry: And that name. 'Rust'. What kind of name is that for anything technical? Should've been called 'Sheen'
George: Oh yeah, name it after an imploding crack addict. Thats much better.
Kramer: You know my friend bob sacamano never uses any memory safety. Ever.
Jerry: How is that even possible?
Kramer: Hes got a terrabyte of RAM Jerry, he just doesn't care! Hes letting his memory slip and slide all over the place (does funny jerky movements)
(Elaine comes in, looking disheveled)
Jerry: What happened to you?
Elaine: What happened to me? What happened? Its that damn Rust is what happened!
George: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Its that stupid language of yours George. I stayed up all night doing a Hello World. A Hello World! I was letting this be that I didn't know what the hell was going on.
OPENING SCENE:
COFFEE SHOP
JERRY AND GEORGE
JERRY:
I still don't get it.
GEORGE:
It's simple. The blockchain is like an immutable line of transactions. Before another transaction is made, you have to verify the past transactions, so yours can be added at the front.
JERRY:
Sure, but what is the point? Why not just use regular money?
GEORGE:
It's decentralized Jerry, no central banks involved. All you need is a computer, and you're good to go.
(ELAINE ENTERS)
JERRY:
George was just telling me about how he invested in cryptocurrency.
ELAINE:
That's awful! Do you know how much electricity those things cost?
GEORGE:
Oh! Here we go!
ELAINE:
It's terrible for the environment!
GEORGE:
And your hairspray isn't bad for the ozone layers?
ELAINE:
At least I have hair!
GEORGE:
That does it! I'm leaving!
ELAINE:
Hey why don't you spend all your crypto winnings on a hair transplant?
(GEORGE LEAVES)
JERRY:
Geez, Elaine, what's gotten into you? You know he is very self-aware about his hair?
ELAINE:
I know, I'm sorry. It's just that new guy I've been dating. He just goes on and on about crypto. He won't shut up about it!
(GEORGE ENTERS AGAIN)
GEORGE:
Aha!
ELAINE:
Aha what?
GEORGE:
You're no better than me! You're daying guys who are bad for the environment! That's basically encouraging them.
ELAINE:
Well at least I'm not the one listening in on a private conversation!
GEORGE:
Private?! We're in public.
Kramer becomes addicted to this new hip imageboard and spends most of his day on it
He only comes over to Jerry's to charge up his laptop
Jerry gets concerned about how long Kramer spends on that "stupid cartoon board" and tells him that "something has to change"
"You're right Jerry!"
Next day Kramer confesses he became a janitor on the imageboard
"It's great, Jerry, I knocked the application out of the park! I thought I was gonna have a lot of competition but they were practically BEGGING me to do it!"
"You became a janitor? On that site? Kramer, nothing's changed, you just monetized your addiction, can't you see?"
"Oh no no no Jerry, you got it all wrong, I'm not getting paid."
"No pay?"
"Nope." *mouth pop sound*
"So why..."
"Because it's not about the money! The past few weeks I've been trying to track down this one guy who keeps messing up the board with those inappropriate pictures I was talking about...." Kramer leans in on Jerry and lowers his voice
"Yeah, yeah, you told me..."
"Well, I almost got him Jerry! I will bring him to JUSTICE for the smut and filth he's spreading on MY board. With my new janitorial powers, I will have the means to find out who he is and stop him."
jumpcut to Newman sitting in his apartment in front of a laptop giggling, wearing a headset
"I'd like to see you try...... Janny"
audience laugh track
JERRY: whats the DEAL with the snyder cut - a whole cut, just for snyder? who is this guy? How come i dont get a cut
TARGET MANAGER: im going to have to ask you to leave the store if you dont put on a mask
[enter George, visibly flustered]
Jerry: Hey, uhh, make it back from the theatre alright?
George: Oh yeah. Made it back. Just fine
Jerry: Well what's the matter? How was the Snyder Cut?
George: Black bars Jerry! Black bars!
Jerry: Black bars?
George: Oh on both sides.
Jerry: Just... black?
George: Absolutely nothing!
Jerry: Well how can you know what was happening just outside the frame?
George: Wouldn't I like to know!
[Enter Kramer, wearing glasses with their peripheries blacked out]
Jerry: I take it you enjoyed the film? This was what, your second rewatch?
Kramer: Oh yeah, Jerry, incredible
George: And the uh... shape... of the picture was uh, satisfactory to you?
Kramer (taken aback): Satisfactory?! It's art George. Warner Bros respects cinema, and it's all the rage.
[Kramer animatedly points up at glasses]
Jerry: Uh huh
Kramer: My buddy Bob Sacamano had these made up, selling them outside the theatre. Electrical tape and $2 glasses, it's free money
scene: elaine and jerry sitting on Jerry’s couch.
ELAINE: so. The Snyder.
JERRY: the Snyder?
ELAINE: yup (clicks tongue) The Snyder.
JERRY: you saw it?
ELAINE: I saw it.
JERRY. Well, well, well. You saw the Snyder.
ELAINE: nods excitedly.
JERRY: And?
kramer burst through the Jerry door wearing 3D glasses
KRAMER: guesss.. uhhh .. l what I just watched, Jerry?
ELAINE&JERRY (together): the Snyder?
kramer stumbles almost falls to the ground.
KRAMER: no no no Jerry .. (clicks finger gun) .The Whedon.
JERRY: (pause looks at Elaine) oh, the Whedon, you say.
Cut to George standing outside a theatre “Justice League” is on marquee with “Justice League Snyder cut” beside it. George checks watch, looks at marquee, checks watch again....
JERRY: I don't believe it.. I just got banned from Cinemaphile!
GEORGE: Banned? For what?
JERRY: I have no idea! I was just making a thread about Tucker Carlson and--
GEORGE: That'll do it.
audience laughs
JERRY: ..What?
GEORGE: No Tucker threads!
audience laughs
JERRY: But he's on TV!
GEORGE: Poor, naive Jerry... You think the jannies really care if he's on TV or not? Oh, no. They don't want those threads.
JERRY: Well, what do they want?
GEORGE: Just look at the catalog, Jerry.
*Jerry scrolls through his phone*
JERRY: Jonah Hill. David Lynch. Sneed. Idris Elba. Star Wars. Gordon Ramsay. Sneed. Bane. Dune. Star Wars. Bane... It's just the same things over and over!
audience laughs. George puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder.
GEORGE: For you.
audience laughs. slap bass riff. commercial break
George is sitting on Jerry's couch, typing something on his phone. He looks frustrated
I thought you didn't use Cinemaphile, Jerry?
I don't.
Then how come you're banned?
Oh, Kramer has been waging some sort of war with the moderators, he got the whole building rangebanned.
HE WHAT?
Yeah I guess so. Why do you come over here to make your Cinemaphile posts anyways? I don't see why you can't just post in your own home.
George mumbles something
What was that?
I got banned too, ok?
Easy solution, just reset the router.
Last time I did that my father thought I had permanently ended his internet access. He chased me through the house with a shoe...
LATER IN JERRYS APARTMENT
GEORGE: [enter] Ho-oh boy you're not gonna belive this.
JERRY: [eating nuts] oh i probably will
GEORGE: [fuming] i was waitin' in line for mario kart for two and a half hours. i get to the front and all they have is this.... [tosses a super mario 64 cartridge onto table]
JERRY: mario 64. i've heard of this. it's mario kart, but without the carts.
GEORGE: footracing, jerry.
JERRY: well take it back
GEORGE: i can't refund expired an hour ago. it's terrible. you're in this cartoon world racing some turtle up a hill full of bowling balls i gave up after the first race
JERRY: so sell it. you could probably pawn it off for a few bucks.
GEORGE: that's the thing. i lost the case. you can't sell a game without a case
JERRY: can you sell shoes with a case?
GEORGE: well....
JERRY: can you sell a computer without a case?
GEORGE: alright, alright, you can sell a game without a case.
JERRY: sure you can. it's the manuals you can't afford to loose.
GEORGE: dammit.
George: And then he says, get this... 'for you!'
Jerry and Elaine stare back in silence
audience chuckles
George: Ehh? Ehh? For you!
audience laughs
Jerry: I'm not gettin' it George.
Elaine: How is that supposed to be funny?
audience laughs
George: What do you mean how's, it's hilarious! FOR YOU! COME ON!
Kramer walks in
Kramer: EYYY
George: Kramer! You think the plane scene was funny right!?
Kramer: What plane scene?
George: From The Dark Knight Rises! The plane scene from The Dark Knight Rises!
Kramer: Oh right, that old meme.
George stares in disbelief
George: Excuse me, did you say 'old meme'? So what's a good fresh meme to you?
Kramer: Well, I'm getting really into Sneed right now.
George throws his arms up in the air
George: Ahhh, heeere we go with the sneedposting!
audience bursts into laughter
Jerry and Elaine look at each other, then look back at Kramer
Jerry+Elaine: Sneedposting?
Kramer: It's the hottest meme these days, just look up 'I can't sneed'... thank me later
Kramer points at Jerry and makes clicking noise with his mouth
audience laughs
Kramer: Oh and George, Newman is getting really into this new 'keyed' meme, you should keep an eye out for that
George raises his arm as if to present Kramer to Jerry and Elaine
audience roars in laughter
bass sound, scene ends
"So George, how's the thread going?"
"How's the thread going? I'll telling you how it's going Jerry! I'm getting no (You)s! None!"
"No (You)s? Why don't you just bump it?"
"I did bump it! I got banned for spamming"
"Well what was the thread?"
"I don't know, a frog"
"Well there's your problem. You need to have a quality, on-topic discussion. Just ask Kramer, his threads always get over 300 replies"
Kramer enters
"Say Jerry, you got any butter? I need something to go with my crab legs"
"Hold on a second Kramer, George was wondering what you post for your threads to be so popular"
"What I post?"
"That's right"
"I post Sneed"
George scoffs
pffft , sneed, Sneed is dead, sneed is over its finished
"oh its not over buddy, not by a long shot"
"oh yeah, well how come my sneed thread the other day only got 2 yous and was then deleted?"
"you gotta do it right, you gotta post a frog to go with it"
canned laughter
SO HE KEPT POSTIN THIS SNEED. GREAT STUFF. GREAT STUFF. I'M TELLIN YA GEORGE, WE NEED TO SEE MORE SNEED. GOTTA PLEAD FOR SNEED. HEY, THAT RHYMES. MAYBE I CAN HAVE A KNACK AT BEIN A SNEED POSTER TOO, EH GEORGIE?
GEORGE: You know what Kramer just said to me? He said I’m based.
Audience laughs
JERRY: Based? Based on what?
GEORGE: That’s what I would like to know!
Audience laughs
The Ban Evasion
JERRY: "Hey Kramer, ya haven't been on your computer as often, what's goin on?"
KRAMER: "Oooooh it's not good, Jerry, not good at all. I got banned on Cinemaphile."
JERRY: "The chat room thing?"
KRAMER: "It's more than that Jerry, it's my second family. I've even seen my mother posted there!"
audience laughter
JERRY: "Okay so what does that mean, getting banned from Cinemaphile? Can't you just apologize?"
KRAMER: "It's not that simple. I was spamming threads with Sneed and they didn't just ban me, they IP banned me! Do you know what that means Jerry???"
JERRY: "... I'm on the edge of my seat."
audience laughter
KRAMER: "It means they know where my computer is! They could find out exactly where I am, and who I am, and do whatever they want!"
JERRY: "What? They can do that?"
KRAMER: "It's the internet Jerry, you know they can do anything to a Joe Schmoe like you or me!!!"
JERRY: "Okay okay, calm down 'Joe Schmoe', just use Newmans computer for a while."
KRAMER: "Newmans banned too. Don't ask why, it's real bad."
JERRY: "Okay well, how long are you banned for anyway?"
KRAMER: "...A couple years"
JERRY: "Well that's not the worst, it gives you time to go outside every few days. How many?"
KRAMER: "...Two-hundred...fifty..."
audience laughter
JERRY: "TWO-HUNDRED FIFTY???"
KRAMER: "... Seven. Two-hundred fifty-seven."
audience laughs harder
JERRY: "Years?"
KRAMER: "It's not good, Jerry."
JERRY: "Well geez, I think you're underselling this. You might want to upgrade this from 'Not good' to 'Slightly worrisome'!"
buzzer goes off, it's George, Jerry buzzes him in
KRAMER: "Well that's the thing Jerry, there's this loophole. If I post from someone else's computer, it's like I was never banned!"
JERRY: "Because it's a different computer, so they don't know it's you."
KRAMER: "But it is me!"
JERRY: "It is you, but it's not you."
KRAMER: "It's not me, even though it is me! I'm evading the ban!"
JERRY: "A ban evasion..."
KRAMER: "Exactly. A ban evasion."
JERRY: "So how do you go about this evasion?"
George enters
KRAMER: "George! Just the man I wanted to see! Your old man still has that printer at the house, right? Connected to the desktop computer?"
GEORGE: "Yeah, need me to print something for you?"
KRAMER: "Oh I just needed something small, mind if I run over, get on the computer, and do something really quick?"
GEORGE: "Sure, here's my spare key"
KRAMER: "Fantastic, thank you, I'll give it right back!"
Kramer rushes out the door
GEORGE: "What's that about?"
JERRY: "Kramer got IP banned by his internet thing."
GEORGE: "/tv/???"
JERRY: "Yeah, you know about it?"
GEORGE: "Know about it, I post there all the time!"
JERRY: "So they like you there?"
GEORGE: "... Well, I mean... I post there all the time!"
JERRY: "And anyone is allowed to post."
GEORGE: "... Yeah, well..."
JERRY: "As much as they want, anonymously, with no limit."
GEORGE: "Well, you might get banned for spamming bad threads and posts or something like Sneed *chuckle* but it's good when they get banned, so it's not really infinite. "
a small silence lingers as Georges chuckles fade
GEORGE: "... Hey Jerry... What did Kramer get banned for?"
audience laughter
bass pop, end scene
JERRY: "He was spamming threads."
GEORGE: "So? Just wait three days, no problem, go outside and do something else."
JERRY: "When was the last time you went outside and did something else?"
GEORGE: "Last time I got banned."
JERRY: "And what did you do?"
GEORGE: "...I came here, why do you think I'm here? C'mon, let's go see a movie."
JERRY: "Kramer is banned for two hundred..."
GEORGE: *sputters* "What? Two hundred days?"
JERRY: "Two hundred and fifty-seven years."
GEORGE: "Jerry...he ain't comin' back from that."
JERRY: "Nope."
GEORGE: "I'll call my uncle, he knows a guy who knows a guy at the ISP. He'll give him a new IP."
JERRY: "You can do that?"
GEORGE: "If you get up we can go see him after we see the movie, c'mon."
JERRY: "You just want me to drive."
GEORGE: "....so?"
KRAMER: *slides in, audience cheers*
JERRY: "..."
KRAMER: "Well?"
JERRY: "What, what is it, what happened, what are you planning, and what do I have to do to stay out of it?"
KRAMER: "I just need one thing."
JERRY: "One thing? Just one thing? Do you know what George was planning? What his uncle was gonna do?"
KRAMER: "Well...no. I wasn't there, Jerry. I'm not a psychic...are you a psychic?"
JERRY: "What. What do you need."
KRAMER: "Bitcoin."
JERRY: "What is a bitcoin? Like those chocolate coins you get at easter in the little bag?"
KRAMER: *walks over to kitchen* "I love those" *begins rooting through cabinets*
JERRY: "Easter for six months ago, Kramer! I'm tired, George made me go see Encino Man and I had to deal with his uncle. He's gonna get you a new IP."
KRAMER: "That's child's play. I got a new angle."
JERRY: "Yeah, a new angle, is this like the scam with the Cubans?"
KRAMER: "...what agency you with..."
JERRY: "Kramer! What!"
KRAMER: "VPN."
JERRY: "I don't know what that is Kramer."
KRAMER: "I need 85 dollars in bitcoin to get a VPN and a Cinemaphile pass."
JERRY: "I thought anyone could post on Cinemaphile."
KRAMER: "Jerry, have you been listening? Two hundred and fifty seven years, Jerry! I'll be dead! You'll be dead! The sun is going to explode! I have a new angle, I gotta get back in the game."
JERRY: "What game, I thought it was a site to talk about movies."
KRAMER: "And TV shows and wrestling, and sometimes pornography and politics. You name it, you can talk about it."
JERRY: "One of those things is not like the others, Kramer! That's why you got banned for a quarter of a millennium!"
KRAMER: "Ah, that's my angle. I use bitcoin to get the VPN and the Cinemaphile pass and I bypass the ban."
JERRY: "You're gonna spend 85 bucks for that?"
KRAMER: "Well, you have bitcoin. Just let me borrow some."
JERRY: "What makes you think I have bitcoin? I thought it was chocolate candies!"
KRAMER: "Well, Jerry...y'know..."
JERRY: "I know what?"
KRAMER: "Well, you're a israelite."
GEORGE SITS DOWN AT HIS COMPUTER
PROFILE SHOT OF GEORGE TYPING ON HIS iMAC
GEORGE: Gee, these kids on Cinemaphile sure are saying some crazy things
KRAMER: Kids?! I use that website
JERRY WALKS INTO THE FRAME
JERRY: that's not saying much
audience laughs
kramer farts
GEORGE: Jeez Kramer, what have you been eating?
KRAMER: Pop tarts
JERRY: So that was you
KRAMER: Yeah, don't worry, I'll get you a new box
GEORGE: Look at this! It's like they're all... Robots! And they're smarter than us!
JERRY: Kids will do that
EXT shot of apartment
cut to KRAMER in the supermarket, loading a trolley full of groceries
ELAINE walks into the frame
ELAINE: Oh, hi Kramer!
KRAMER: Hi Elaine
GEORGE walks into the frame
GEORGE: Hey guys... Man, there's this thing, it's got me so frustrated?
KRAMER: What's the matter, George?
GEORGE: These fumigators... They're in my apartment, and it's driving me nuts!
KRAMER: Alright then
profile shot of Elaine framed by a box of cereal
cut to JERRY in his apartment
he's pacing around talking on his cellphone
JERRY: Well, tell him he's not working hard enough!
[unintelligible]
JERRY: If I'm gonna do a show there, it needs to be perfect!
GEORGE walks in
GEORGE: Well look who it is
JERRY: Nice try, buddy
GEORGE: We brought groceries
KRAMER: I brought groceries
KRAMER, CONTINUING: And Elaine
the crew eats
they spend the rest of the day raving on about this thing called the internet, without mentioning a thing about crypto, nft, blockchain
bump
bump
lol
someone make more
Jerry get Ipad
Love it