>Okay, I'll tell you.

>Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fricking steak.

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  1. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Was Seth venting?

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      >Wait, let me get this straight. You, without asking, read something I wrote? Then, thinking I was revealing all my most intimate wants and desires, you thought that you could exploit what you read to seduce me? But, when you thought I might be cheating with someone other than yourself, you found that, and only that morally objectionable? And you bring Stewie here, who doesn't understand any of this? I never thought a dog could be such a genuine piece of human garbage.

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        >I'm sorry Lois it was a stupid and rotten thing to do.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Maybe it was a moment of self-awareness about the flanderization of Brian over the years.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Quagmire ALSO constantly hits on his best friends wife. It's literally a running gag that he's a rapist.

      I'm pretty certain this came after the show got canceled/renewed, which means Seth wasn't writing anymore. He was too busy with American Dad.

  2. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Quagmire is the audience surrogate, which is why they had him berate Brian Griffin. He is also a rapist who raped Marge Simpson, killed the Simpsons, locks Asian woman up in his garage and his car boot and drugged and fricked an underage girl.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      He is so me fr.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      >raped Marge Simpson, killed the Simpsons
      I don't think this is in continuity ever since the Simpsons crossover.

  3. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    >Quagmire you are rapist

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      This must of been a Cleavland Show moment

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Literally happens at the end of the first season.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      I just realized David Lynch is sitting behind them

  4. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    >You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man had been your friend since forever, rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury you have your hands all over his daughter, just because she’s 18 that makes it okay? And you're such a creep. You make every woman around you feel uncomfortable. You always say you’re a ladies man but how many of those women were actually conscious enough to want to have sex with you? And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this smart guy who cares about the neighborhood and is a respectful member of society but you’re not. Yeah, I don’t have my own house and a job but I’m a literal dog, the fact that I can talk should amaze you but apparently I’m not good enough for you? At least I don’t lecture people constantly whining about how the guys “don’t respect my job”. You fly a plane with autopilot 80% of the time and you think that grants you respect? God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some loyal friend, even though you're not! You know, I’m surprised Peter hangs out with you ever since you spied on Lois in the bathroom. And I think what I hate most about you is your ‘good guy’ agenda, volunteering at the homeless shelter doesn’t un-rape all the women you’ve ever met. And you can’t get over the fact I slept with your trans Dad, was the fact that it was actually consensual disturbing to you? You beat your best friend’s dog up over a consensual act between two adults. I mean who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You accuse me for not seeing my teenage son that often, how's that daughter of yours ONE EPISODE AGO you gave up for adoption? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Quagmire. You're just a big, sad, rapist bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Glenn! Thanks for being rude the whole fricking evening.

  5. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    >HEY... i FRICKED your dad *close the door*

    Brian wins

  6. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Why didn't they have Joe give this speech as he actually has moral legs to stand on? Relatively speaking at least.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      He hasn't had that in a long time. Joe's now just a bizarre broken man they all hate

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      >moral legs to stand on

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Imagining the monologue in his voice makes it way funnier too

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