>Sarg, we broke into the suspect's Tinder account
>...and?
>Nothing, not a single match or conversation. Son of a b***h must have seen us coming and covered his tracks
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I haven’t had sex in over 6 months.
Wow haha thats.... that's such a long time
I can't even imagine
6 years for me
Since my wife left me I have literally no idea how to approach any women. She was the only one I was ever with. I'm probably going to die alone and having never had sex with any one else again
Same here. I don't know how to approach women, the only women I was ever with approached me.
Your virginity will grow again
Don't think about it. Just better yourself. Get some friends and hobbies.
this is me, 15 years
I don't know what anyone my age is doing, you can't look for a ring on anyone's finger because no-one gets married
My god... We're dealing with a complete ghost
>Sir we have his employment records, seems hes worked the same job for the past 4 years
>Perfect! We got the bastard this time! Jenkins bring up his pay-stubs we can track the bastard through his banking statements.
>Uhhh....sir.....you may want to take a look at this....
Kek
>sir we’ve gained access to his dating app data
>good work Johnson! what did you find?
>well it’s weird…he’s been using the app for years but only has a couple of matches
>huh that’s odd, but not criminal
>yeah but it gets even weirder. of the matches, all of them contain him sending them one message and them not responding
>what do you make of this?
>it’s gotta be code for a drug transaction. it’s not natural behavior to match with someone and then not attempt to have a conversation
>Okay Kowalski, make a fake Tinder profile to lure him on a date.
>B-but Sarge...
>First, we need to find out what his interests are...what do we know?
>Sir, we have are logging his every keystrokes...
>brilliant, what did you find so far?
>he just keeps typing the same word over and over again..
>what do you mean?
>he has typed "sneed" 100 times in the last hour..
>The son of a b***h has lost his mind. >Alright, see if we can find him and bring him in for questioning before he does something stupid
>what’s more sir is that he’s exclusively swiped right on women in their early 20s…
>so?
>he’s 28 sir
>that sick frick, I’m gonna need all hands on deck to take this fricker down
>i want everything we've got on the suspect! Johnson, who is our guy?
>sir, all we know is that he's male, 32 years old, single, unemployed...
>get me his last known address, pronto!
>sir, we've checked with the post office and he's only ever had one home address. It's his parents' place.
>what...? That's impossible! Johnson, add this entry to our file on him: the suspect is an extremely skilled hacker and has erased all information about himself past childhood years from the USPS databases...
>Chief, the suspect appears to be obsessed with someone called Jane E.
>A prostitute?
>Sir, he keeps saying that she always "does it for free".
>A sex fiend.
>Sarge, we just got a trip from someone claiming to be his barber
>Ignore it, he's at least a norwood 3. Must be another crank.
>Sir... he has no social media presence at all. No tinder, no instagram, no linkedin, not even a facebook
>Good god... get me the president on the line
Reminder that they did this exact joke in Shazam.
What scene? I don't recall anything like that, something related to his mother? I always assumed they knew damn well where she lived and just didn't want to tell him
>damn it Johnson, what’s the emergency?
>sir, you’re going to want to look at this…
>my god, nothing but plane crashes. And the sick bastard wants no survivors. Get me a line t-
>President Johnson is on the line right now, sir
I get 50+ matches a month and it's honestly exhausting, fricking random prostitutes has lots its appeal and I'm not cut out for marriage and kids because women are way too moronic and boring to spend extended amounts of times with
>FBI here, step aside speeding ticket peddlers. While you were busy eating donuts, we've been surveilling this guy for the past month. When he isn't at his 60 hour a week job, he spends his time drinking and doing drugs while posting on Cinemaphile and cries himself to sleep over his ex girlfriend. We've put him on potential mass shooter highest risk watchlist.
name 2 movies where that happens
Drive, my autobiography