Every Argylle ad:
>Dua Lipa dancing seductively and being the ultimate femme fatale
>Henry Cavill weirdly in a doofy haircut
Actual Argylle:
>barely 30 seconds of Dua
>2 hours of dumpy, bloated nepobaby Bryce Dallas Howard
>Henry also a glorified cameo
This movie deserved to bomb.
 Shopping Cart Returner Shirt $21.68 |
 |
Shopping Cart Returner Shirt $21.68 |
I thought it was better than Beekeeper.
>Beekeeper
ugh, that bad eh?
I wanted my money back and I pirated it
i liked it
i haven't read any kingsman comics so i had no idea it was part of it but i figured since matthew vaughn was directing another spy movie it had mark millar vibes written all over it
hardly watched any trailers, just checked the cast and crew and i was sold
i was going to see beekeeper but that shit flopped so hard it's already on streaming lmao
not even in and out of theaters for a month and straight to video, makes me wonder why they bothered with a theatrical release to begin with
honestly same for argylle, being an apple production i thought they would have just put it on appletv, then again nobody watches appletv so it makes more sense for them to put it in theaters to give it a shot at making money, but q1 releases have an historic track record of shitting the bed
It got a C+ Cinemascore, which is brutal for a big blockbuster movie. Audiences must have really hated the deceptive advertising.
It’s pretty scummy to try and bait and switch the audience with alternate leads that basically aren’t in the movie. From the trailers you would think this starred Dua Lipa and Henry Cavill.
Seriously. Every single Facebook ad is just Dua Lipa seductively dancing.
I think the trailer pretty strongly implies a Free Guy style back & forth.
But isn't the twist in the trailer?
Is there another twist?
the trailer ended on "this is the REAL agent Argylle " and people expected a different looking Cavill as him, but it's actually just BDH
Ironically, what you described happens too
>But isn't the twist in the trailer
Not that I saw
The twist is that she's a secret agent with amnesia whose spy novels are all about things that she doesn't remember really happened
The twist in "The Kingsman" was actually quite a brave thing to do. He pulled it off there, but there were still a big backlash from some of the audience who suddenly weren't watching the film they wanted to see. He only just got away with it then but clearly rather than learning a lesson on taking the audience with you when you have a big twist he doubled down on it for Argyle instead, school-boy error.
Would the twist in Argylle work if it wasn't immediately followed up by more twists that required even more exposition? Was the movie trying to be too clever?
What was the twist in The Kingsman?
Michael Cane was part of the bad boys
>big blockbuster movie
its a streaming movie like red notice, ghosted, etc. it just got a release like grey man because they thought the celeb power was high enough to maybe make money on a few weekends
It cost $200 million stupid
Burgers filtered by a movie about books. Anyone with a brain will enjoy this movie.
It wall went wrong in the twisted mind of Matthew Vaughn
Every trailer I saw it looked like BDH was going to be the primary protagonist in a quirky ensemble.
do all the dua lips scenes are in the trailer?
is this movie the same as the Sandra Bullock author movie?
>do all the dua lips scenes are in the trailer?
Yes. She's in the movie at the beginning for maybe five minutes.
Is THIS what you zpomies are creaming yourself over? Some mystery meat fridge with droopy breasts? Jesus Christ Cinemaphile get it together. Seriously.
Her breasts did-a leap-a
>Some mystery meat fridge with droopy breasts?
Be respectful.
That's called Albanian.
makeup should be illegal. charli xcx should also be charged with theft by deception.
This ape's arms reach "her" knees.
I appreciate THICC ginger bloated nepobaby Bryce.
No BDH face sitting scenes
Movie screen not wide enough
They need to bring back BraapORama.
That what it looks like inside the famous LA theater?
the real Argylle is Bryce Dallas Howard
what a shit twist
Is it really true that cavill is barely in it? give me the run down
It's like the Bryan Cranston Godzilla movie, where he's in it for like 3 minutes and then fricking dies
Well good news Bryan Cranston doesn't die in this until it's nearly over
Those two Ana de Armas fanboy morons decided to sue the film company that made Yesterday and lose. So now films can advertise whatever the frick they want no matter what is actually in the film.
Losing that case was one of the worst court decisions in history. The only reason to have seen that movie was Ana de Armas.
WHY IS THERE NOT MORE DUA
WHAT THE FRICK
>film role in Argylle hyped for years
>barely a cameo
>"Dance the Night" was the song of summer and still played on radio every 15 minutes, but taken out of Oscar contention in favor of a Billie Eilish (another chonker) nobody cares about and the Ken song that was memed for exactly one week
>Coachella didn't even ask her to headline until it was too late, but booked Lasagna Del Taco to headline a year ago
Why all this discrimination against Dua? I guess she needs to put on 50 pounds to be acknowledged in Hollywood nowadays.
She sucked the wrong wieners and rimmed the wrong buttholes. It's a doggy dog world in Hollywood.
She was awful, and gourd shaped.
Is Lasagna still a hambeast?
Afraid so
I'd love a slice of that 'gna
>I guess she needs to put on 50 pounds to be acknowledged in Hollywood nowadays.
Sounds great, get her on it
She looks like generic vomit as is
She’s an Albanian so deserves it.
dupa lisa is generic as frick. omg im singing over disco like madonna already did in 2002.
All a plot to tank her career and get her on OF where she belongs.
Do they show off her bloated butt whatsoever in this?
>fAtgyrlle
Among us
Women don't want to relate to a character that reminds them of being fat and dumpy.
She's got fence post kankle legs.
>We're going to need thicker ice
She's not even skating on ice. She attached two knives to her boots and is skating on crude oil.
Frick, she's a goddess
Delicious. I need moar pics.
I think people would've accepted better if the Argylle was the stupid cat
This is like Mortdecai all over again.
Mortdecai was good though.
Vaughn made this movie as part of his plans for a Kingsman Cinematic Universe, the guy has his head squarely up his own ass.
>Kingsman Cinematic Universe
>after kingsman the golden circle
gross
Lmao fr I loved the first one and golden circle was so shitty that I’ve never even watched an ad for the 3rd
wait wtf this shit was supposed to be connected to kingsman
They shoehorn in the Kingsman at the very end when they advertise that they will make a prequel next.
I just looked it up
>In a mid-credits scene, a flashback sequence reveals that a young Argylle had collaborated with the Kingsman agency, and that Argylle: The First Book is "coming soon"
more like never this shit bombed
also just looked at the plot
>Elly is actually Rachel Kylle ("R. Kylle"), who was captured and brainwashed by the Division five years ago; as "Elly Conway", she put her suppressed memories into the novels.
who the frick thought this would be a good movie
Vaughn made Argylle tie into The Kingsman franchise, plus he also planned another unnamed spy franchise that would also tie into Kingsmen/Argylle, and then he was planning a movie that would unite all 3 franchises. This is the power of unlimited cocaine but limited talent.
Judging by her chin and cheeks I imagine she's put on a few unnecessary chubby bits in quite a few places. Most unnecessary.
I wasn't honestly paying much attention but the bits I did see just confused the shit out of me. It was marketed like some kids' film where they emphasized the garfield-tier CGI cat and not the fact that it actually had a good cast. I honestly had no idea Rockwell was in this thing until yesterday when people were already doing the post-mortem. And I had seen Cavill's meme hair but, again, had no idea it was connected to this thing. I thought it was from a cameo in rebel moon or something. And the connection to the whole Kingsman franchise was never emphasized either.
Although whether or not the marketing was a failure might be a moot point since I just don't think people were ever going to be that enthused about a spinoff of a meh series that was just bastardized cartoon James Bond to begin with. It was already a hard sell and then they blew the sales pitch so...yeah. DOA.
Although I will say OP is mistaken if he thinks I won't watch 2 hours of fat Bryce in tight pants.
>Cavill'
they made him look like Herman Munster.
oh come on now
>your argument is invalid
AIEEE, begita-sama. I kneel
Makes me want to snap into a Slim Jim
It's not the actual haircut I object to. It's actually so terrible it swerves back around to being kind of based, and I'm pretty sure that was the intent. But even if the cameo's fun that's not much of a selling point. If he's in the movie for five minutes why do I give a shit
>five minutes
Spread all throughout the movie. Same with Cena. Cavill has a Mullet scene at the end too.
>>2 hours of dumpy, bloated nepobaby Bryce Dallas Howard
I will kill you
Dua is my gf
Mine
If the Ana de Armas waifu gays didn't lose the case, this movie would be getting sued massively.
Being completely serious here: I'm tired of Bryce getting the funny big budget kid-friendly blockbuster roles. I want her in a fricking hard R drama with some tasteful nudity. I need her to take the Jessica Chastain parts
would
>bloated
I will now watch your movie
This movie is a marketing disaster. Just be honest, in the age of the internet audiences will always find out when the studio is lying.
I wonder why Bryce finds it so difficult to maintain a basic healthy body weight. Especially with all her money and access to trainers and dieticians? I remember when she was complaining that the Jurassic World producers asking her to get in shape for the role, like it was unreasonable to ask her to just not be fat? I've only seen the first one but she looked good, she should've kept it up.
older Bryce Dallas, after thinning down again, in a live action fairy tale fun for the whole family
She will never slim down again. She got tired of being mistaken for Jessica Chastain so she decided to differentiate herself by becoming the fat ginger actress.
>She will never slim down again.
Thank god
>she'll always be ready
This is her doing press for the release, she's already thin again.
She's a champion yo-yo dieter. She'll be a hamplanet again in no time.
Nice, haven't had a good white woman weight yo-yo since Delta Burke. Gotta keep people on their toes.
she probably put on weight for the role rather than being body conscious and eating like a pig before
See, this is what she *should* be doing.
Come on, Hollywood. You already wasted her prime but we still have a few years of mommy mode Bryce to exploit. Show off her pale flesh while it's still semi-fresh
The dress she wears the whole last third of the movie is basically this low cut
I don't know what you idiots are talking about
All the marketing was was "expect a big twist!", everybody should've known exactly what they were signing up for
Plus if you don't want to watch Bryce jiggling around like a jello skeksis onscreen you should have your skull smashed in
Does Bryce show her fat ass?
What do you think, stupid?
The opening action scene is laughable, it's unbelievable this cost $200m
What is the opening scene like?
Dua Lipa is escaping through a Greek village on a hill on a motorcycle and Cavill chases her in a gold cart using the rooftops
It just looks incredibly cheap
Are there other scenes this ridiculous in the entire movie?
Not really, the movie's actually pretty boring. That's it's main problem, the pacing is atrocious. There's a scene at the end where she sticks knives in the soles of her shoes and kills like 20 guys while skating around a room covered in crude oil, but there's no blood and the music is really bad so it doesn't feel as crazy as it should
>There's a scene at the end where she sticks knives in the soles of her shoes and kills like 20 guys while skating around a room covered in crude oil, but there's no blood and the music is really bad so it doesn't feel as crazy as it should
That sounds awful. Is this movie just one big showcase for bad CGI?
I don't know, what a stupid question
Almost exactly that action scene from The Transporter? Where Statham uses snapped-off serrated 10-speed bicycle pedals to maintain grip after covering the floor of a bus depot with oil? Just with the standard MV trick of adding lifeless CGI ultra-violence.
Really starting to feel like they're using AI already to cook up this shit, and they're complete suck at prompting any kind of inspired or interesting material out of them.
The shootout on the ship at the end, where they dance among colored gas grenades.
One of the worst, gayest most cringe scenes ever committed to film. The oil skating isn't much better. If both those action sequences were cut this film might have gained 5 points or so on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, every action sequence in Argylle was paired with inappropriate girly pop music which just made me hate this film even more.
*golf cart
> it's unbelievable this cost $200m
yeah, it's never making it's money back
It looks fat.
Suss.
The weight should've stopped here
Cinemaphile is full of chubby chasers
When you go to the pharmacy to pick up your estrogen pills, kids there with their moms can tell you're a man.
Since when did Cinemaphile stop being a dicky board? This is a clear architectural improvement though.
No just people that decide their personality on memes, if there was some meme of Christ Pratt saying "I love spaghetti and tomato sauce" everytime a skinny redhead was posted here, within a year everyoje here would say skinny readheads are best and start "redhead posting".
The CGI cat is an abomination. I absolutely despise the fact that Hollywood refuses to work with real animals these days. It is completely soulless and looks like shit.
what went wrong?
Bait and Switch. Expecting Cavill get fat assed ginger mommy instead.
I can't imagine being so gay that you prefer watching Cavill to Bryce. I love Cavill but would be perfectly happy if he died in a snow plow accident if it meant Bryce took all his roles
Do people really want to see Dua Lipa acting and/or seducing? I'd rather have sex with DaBaby, or go shopping with him.
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. sequel when? Comin' up on the ten year anniversary.
Cena reminds me of the Rock, in that no one wants to see them in films.
Honestly, I think John Cena is the only crossover who has proven he can actually act, as of his role in The Suicide Squad. He just chooses a lot of WWE-tier schlock, which is ironic because you'd think that's what Peacemaker would have been.
In other words, I blame the directors.
Dave Batista (probably spelled it wrong) does a decent job when he wants to as well.
one of the more memorable performances in Bladerunner 2049
It's an assembly movie which only exists to meet contractual obligations.
What's the deal with the cat? Why's it in all the marketing? I thought it was going to be some dumb talking animal movie.
>What's the deal with the cat?
This is a date movie marketed towards fat cat ladies.
>Actual Argylle:
>>2 hours of dumpy, bloated nepobaby Bryce Dallas Howard
also a glorified cameo
any non-moron could've seen this coming. if they wanted to make a spy movie they'd drop the whole moronic female writer subplot
why does henry only decide to play in absolute garbage that is used as torture material in guantanamo? superman aside
>moronic female writer subplot
This was the premise for Romancing the Stone.
never seen it
>1984
there is a slight difference between an old movie and a current year movie
spoiler alert: current year movies tend to suck a lot more
BDH is hot af, dua floppa is a man faced brown c**t
Truly this generation's Kangaroo Jack
but argyle is shit but kangaroo jack is cool >:(
No it wasn't.
atleast the kangaroo was on screen for more than 5 minutes
Any good ass shots of BDH?
You get to see her fat dump truck ass waddle around for a half the movie in tight fitting jeans.
Felt like the ads were pretty straightforward with this being centered around BDH. The ads were always "spy novelist accidentally writes scenario too close to reality and is now in trouble" and made it very clear that Cavill was the fictional spy. I went into this expecting Romancing the Stone and I wasn't too far off. Vaughn needs someone to tell him no and whoever said it was okay for him to make BDH blonde for a third of the movie should get fired.
please dont be mean to my fridge wife
repulsive
now we're talking...
this is where she peaked hotness wise btw
>2 hours of dumpy, bloated nepobaby Bryce Dallas Howard
I will now watch your movie
They gave her an ugly blonde wig for about a third of the movie
Dua is so hot
i think of dual lips like some sort of monster vagania
The action hero is dead. Bury him and move on.
Basically another mustache gate, he didn't give a shit about this movie because he was focused on the WW2 one. Which is kinda crazy now that I think about it, he didn't give a shit about The Justice League only to film some shitty Mission Impossible movie with Tom Cruise. He's also good friends with Cruise now she chances are he's a scientologist.
>Dua Lipa dancing seductively and being the ultimate femme fatale
Spent 10 minutes trying to figure out who was that actress-thanx
>2 hours of dumpy, bloated nepobaby Bryce Dallas Howard
Sweet
Imagine the smell
3>4>1>2
That hallway dance fight is the lamest thing Matthew Vaughn has ever done. It's his career low.
>I thought I was going to get Dua Lipa, but I got 2 hours of BDH instead!!
That is objectively an improvement though.
Could Sam Rockwell realistically give Bryce Dallas Howard the whirlybird?
better question is did sam eat her out after they filmed it?
also she was clearly on wires, same with henry and dua in the beginning