>be american
>walk into cinema
>the guard in the tower shines his spotlight on you
>be american. >walk into cinema. >the guard in the tower shines his spotlight on you
>be american
>walk into cinema
>the guard in the tower shines his spotlight on you
>walking into cinema with heavily buttered popcorn
>accidently drop popcorn
>bend over to pick it up
>pushed over by line behind me
>lying on the ground being kicked and ridiculed
>finally last of the line makes it in, guard drags me out of cinema and into interrogation room
Mfw get to see movie through crack in cell
>be European
>think about America
>be me
>trying to watch Avatar
>"here are your free two pairs of 3D glasses for the showing "
>thanks but I only need one pair
>"Sir?"
>I mean... ahhh... err....
>clerk hits the singles alarm button
>get body checked out of nowhere
>while trying to figure out what's going on I'm already in fisticuffs and gagged
>getting dragged away by my feet
>handed over to police for questioning after the cinema security beat be up in the cinema dungeon
God damn it not again
Handcuffs and fisticuffs are two entirely different things.
>going through security
>some customers are given gold stars and directed to the shower
>I go through and get nothing
>tell staff I want to shower too
>staff asks if I'm israeli, I say no
>they laugh and tell me it's not that kind of shower
Oh.
>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself
Kino
do american cinemas have guards in towers? wtf is wrong with that place
Uh yeah we can actually afford them unlike you lol
You have been randomly selected for a penis inspection, please step forward.
why do americans clap in cinemas, do they thing the people on the screen are real and can hear them?
Going to the movies is a social experience clapping is like saying to everyone “yeah I thought that movie was good” it’s not uncommon for people to say whether they thought the movie was good or bad as well
>clapping is like saying to everyone “yeah I thought that movie was good”
do mutts really?
Used to be back in the day movie theaters were loud and rowdy as frick, and people would boo and hiss at the evil villain and shout and cheer when the hero would kick his ass. Also they'd smoke cigarettes.
be honest, what color were those
>people
They were the lowest of the low, not even human, barely sentient, they were...
>the irish
Back in the day (50s- early70s) most film distribution was a lot more limited than it is today. For most movies that weren't big deals you'd have a few dozen film canisters being moved from theater to theater and many smaller theaters would get the film for just a few days, sometimes just one day. The clapping at the end of the movie was an informal system of requesting that the movie be played again the next day. If the movie was popular enough (loud enough clapping) in one town the guy driving it around might keep it there an extra day. He never knew which towns a film would be a hit in and which ones it would flop in.
In modern times, if you look to the horizon, you can still see great flocks of film canisters traveling aimlessly...
Searching for a clapping audience
We clap in thanks that we were not gunned down during our kino viewing experience, and also to remember the fallen. You wouldn't get it..
It's to mask the designated shooter
>be american
>go to cinema
>have to tip the ticket person
>also have to tip the snacks person
>scrape the last of my coins to tip the usher
>get blown away by some white dude with an AR
>mfw
>shower token machine ate my last dollar bill
You didn't get the kinocode tattooed on your forehead? I put my money in my acccount and the scanners just pick it up, ez.
>trying to get in cinema to watch a movie
>cinema screeners are a fricking pain in the ass
>get in line, wait my turn
>paid a hobo chick twenty bucks to pretend to be my girlfriend so they have no excuse to take me to the interrogation room this time
>my turn
>have the blood, urine and sperm samples ready
>they analyze them while restraining me in case I get upset at being declined
>cinema doctor gasps in shock and stares at me
>"He.... He's a virgin. A virgin! VIRGIN!"
>frick I forgot that they started screening for that too
>security knock me the frick out in case I was gonna shoot the place up
>spend two weeks in a mental hospital with psychiatrists trying to figure out if I'm a threat
What next? I haven't seen a movie in three years
>be louisianan
>the crab legs are mandatory
>a horde of 20 white and black people (it is scarier) demand you say out loud "LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULET"
Bon Nuit
>His kinoplex gives crab legs instead of beignets.
Fricking savages, I swear
>go to cinema
>ask cashier for one ticket to Baghead
>"sure, here you go."
>sit down
>watch film
>come home
>post on Cinemaphile
>metal detector pings on an outside purchase snickers king size I'm hiding in my sock.
>go to American movie theater
>sit down in seat and lower the lap bar
>buckle safety belt and pull down harness
>staff checks everyone’s restraints before the lights are lowered
>reel operator speaks into Mic to enjoy the kino in 3…2..
>entire theater takes off at 100’s of mph to keep the action on the screen
>mfw
>Be British
>Go to Cinema to see Oppenheimer
>"THAT'UL'BE £10.50 MATE!"
>Go over to concessions
>Ask for a small popcorn
>£4.95
>Ask for a medium coke
>£3.75
>Ask for a regular hotdog
>£4.95
>£24.60 ($31 total)
>Go and sit down on sticky slashed up seats
>Stupid chink runs in, sits down and is on his phone in front of me, 5 gazillion NITS brightness
>A feral pack of pakis is behind me talking throughout the entire movie
>A group of Black folk start a small brawl half way through over a spilled drink
>Every 3 minutes someones phone rings
>They fricking answer it and shout over the movie Dom Jolly style
>Floor is so sticky that when the movie is over I need to yank my leg to unstick my shoe from the floor
>STAR CITY MATE HAHA YEAH IT'S CLASS WHAT A NIGHT OUT HAHA.
Never again. Pirating. Frick the cinema.
You forgot
>big ben strikes during movie
>everyone stands with their hand on their hearts for 1 minute in silence
also mandatory kitchen knife checks
>great escape starts playing
>the designated shooter can't figure out how to reload
>be american
>walk into cinema
>the guard in the tower shines his spotlight on you
Oh, so it's not a theater, it's a "cinema", huh? I guess that means we're not in America in this scenario, rather it's some irrelevant foreign shithole. I guess the spotlight was for my honor, given that everyone in the world is obsessed with my spectacular, awe-inspiring, and highly-relevant country.
>go to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 6
>buy my canned ticket
>walk to concession stand and take off my 10 gallon hat
>hand it over to the popcorn madam
>"fill her up"
>she scoops it into the pile and hands it back
>"will that be all?"
>I order a cubic meter of crab fingers in a giant crystal martini glass
>walk over to the stub ripper
>I hand over my can but he hands it back and asks "what am I supposed to do with this?"
>I rifle through my pockets for a can opener but I left it at home
>all I have are my keys so I try to open the can with that
>I manage to pierce a hole but I drop my crab glass in the struggle
>glass and crab dance across the floor in slow motion
>my head is swimming and I tip backwards
>I let go of the can and it hangs in the air as time slows down
>just before I hit the floor I see the can has a built in tab to tear off
>I crash to the floor and grab madly for the can, and tear it open to reveal my ticket
>I show the ticket to the man who folds it into an origami frog, which hops off the ticket ripper's lectern in the direction of the showers
>I try to follow but my legs have turned into sheets of corrugated iron
>I open my mouth to scream, but light shoots out instead of sound
>I look around but my eyes have turned into wheels
>the wheels on the bus go round and round
>my thoughts turn into brightly coloured ribbons which fly out of my exhaust pipe, float through the air and wrap themselves around the mouths of PoC and suffocate them
The movie was average
>be american
>enter cinema
>"AYOOOO WE GOT A WHITE BOY IN HEY"
Least realistic post in the entire thread
>On holidays in Bongland
>Decide to catch a movie
>Head to the local cinema and mosque
>Ticket iman charges me three foreskins of infidels for entry
>Seems pricey but pay up
>Three more foreskins for a halal-certified bowl of dry couscous, three figs and some unlevened bread
>Kneel down on my assigned prayer mat to watch the movie (Daddy Day Care)
>All images of humans are haram, and all actors are replaced by pulsing geometric patterns
>All dialogue that does not glorify Allah is haram, and has been replaced by recordings of an Iman reading Medinian suras
>Halfway through, film pauses as the adhan sounds
>Attempt to fit in, but can't figure out which direction to Mecca
>Crowd begin to notice, become restless
>A chant of 'kafir kafir' starts from the back
>Cinema guards burst in and restrain me
>Try to apologise as they load me into a cannon
>The chant of 'kafir kafir' rises as they light the fuse
>Cannon explodes, shooting me directly into the heart of paris, killing 120 individuals
Eddie Murphy was pretty good I thought
>That accuracy
Oh so you also have a cineworld year pass? Ripoff aren't' they lad.
>be me
>bought a ticket for "Barbie" because my GF wanted to watch it
>bypassed the singles policy, had to show our relationship papers
>Bought some crab legs for $300
>GF wanted to pet one of the turtles in the common pool, had to pay $20 per pet, $50 per cuddle to the pool manager under threat of electrocution
>Go ahead, witness a strange contraption in front of the entrance to our screen
>it's not in front of the other screens, which are showing "Oppenheimer" and "Mission Impossible"
>weird.gif
>It's not for the singles line either
>go closer, put our tickets in and are ushered into the contraption
>it's a fricking dildo on an industrial machine
>The sign reads "BY ORDERS OF GRETA GERWIG: ALL BARBIE MOVIE TICKETS COME WITH MANDATORY ANTI-HATE MASSAGE"
>figured it must be a bit, right? Who'd take this seriously?
>black guy standing near the machine asks me what size I'd like
>I ask him what the frick he means by that
>he asks me if I've ever done anal before
>I catch my tongue and think about it, and instead of saying "No", I tell him today's not the day for it
>He says it's mandatory and that I'll have to pay a cancellation fee
>I pay the $100 cancellation fee
>GF next in line, she accepts but I strongarm her and pay her cancellation fee
>As soon as we step out of the contraption the kinoplex feminazis surround me, their beefcurtains doing the roman salute
>they tell me it's a crime to hit a woman
>I suddenly take my arms off my "GF" and she floats to the ceiling
>everyone is bamboozled by my artificial balloon GF
>I leave and buy tickets for oppenheimer
>didn't even lose my hearing in the simulated atom bomb blast
Nolan is a hack
>walk into movie theater
>nobody there
>thank God you say
>snickering couple makes their presence known immediately after
>Go through the entire movie as they remain cuddled in their seats like fricking morons
>Won't fricking stop SNICKERING
I swear when a man gets a girlfriend his testosterone and tolerance for bullshit leaves his body completely.
>walk into kinoplex with my GF
>we're newly together, her name's Martha
>show the penis inspector our relationship papers
>avail the couple discount, join the coveted Couples' Line
>barely anyone in line
>meanwhile the singles line is full, the people in line are getting ready for their feel-ups from the black guy
>glad I'm not one of those people anymore
>relief.gif
>go into the theater, we're seeing Chaplin's "Modern Times" today
>Martha is a connoisseur of the classics, we're here just to wet our beaks
>put on our black & white garb, in tradition with our local kinoplex's wishes towards the golden age of cinema
>A falcon delivers our complimentary buttered popcorn and crab legs. Martha scored 105% on the kinoplex membership exam
>Our seats are in the open, the NSP (no singles policy) people have to sit in small black tents so no one else is bothered by them
>deftly peek inside the curtain in front of me
>It's a troony of some sort using his phone, and there's a dilation station and a couple of diapers in front of him
>zip up the curtain in disgust
>movie starts
>GF and I get comfy, our extra-large seats allow us to sort of cuddle and still see enough of the screen
>extremely funny, Chaplin was a miracle
>GF and I can't stop snickering, the kino is too funny
>most people in the theater are doing so too
>the NSP underclass is forced to stay quiet under threat of a weekend's duty in the popcorn mines
>there's some grumbling coming from the tent in front of me
>the kinoplex assistant is tending to another couple
>have_to_handle_this_on_my_own.png
>unzip tent
>some troony is dilating, rubbing a diaper on his nauseatingly pungent genitals
>typing about how he came there first, how couples suck and how they keep snickering, ruining his movie experince
>he posts it on Cinemaphile
>GF and I are close to puking
>press the kinoplex personal alarm, the kino police and the assistant come to us along with the combat falcons
>tell them what happens
>troony in the seat in front of us is severely beaten and taken to the popcorn mines
>got a full refund and a voucher for two other couple showings
>walk out with my GF, eat some ice cream, high-five Robert and go home
I hope the Kinoplex tightens its guidelines.
>Be glorious North Korean Best Korean.
>Go to cinema.
>Watch comedy film of South Kuckrean being beaten by ugly flat South Kuckrean women before bending over for capitalist American wiener to sell shitty Samsung phone. But American does not want shitty Samsung phone and South Kuckrean gets beaten by ugly women again.
>Lol.
>Watch other film of glorious leader testing glorious missile. Laugh at American capitalists pooping themselves in fear. Laugh at American capitalist leader Joseph Biden asking who pooped in his capitalist pants.
>Leave cinema.
>Enjoy glorious life in benevolence of glorious leader and go home to hot big tiddy North Korean gf.
>go to local cinema
>they've raised the check-in fee for hunting falcons to $15
>Take my gf to kinoplex
>Bring my own HDMI cable
>gf starts looking at her phone
>Annoyed but keep my mouth shut
>Put on kino
>"Anon why doesn't any of this kino have sound?"
>Explain kino is a visual medium and that she should pay more attention
>"Anon why does every kino we watch have a 4mb file size limit and 2 minute time limit?"
>Have no answer for that one
>have to distract her by dumping my popcorn on the floor so we can watch the jannies clean it up for free in bemusement.
Frick that place actually, it's 2024 and they're still operating like it's 2 decades ago. I don't know what the manager is thinking.
2/10 you can do better
>Sitting in the theater
You mean sitting ALONE
>In an american cinema.
>Sitting in the theater, half an hour into the movie.
>I reach for my sock.
>The overseer on the left tower sees me through his night vision goggles.
>Shoots a tranq dart to my chest and I fall unconscious.
>I wake up in a damp cave among other twenty emaciated and dirty men.
>A tall, fat man with a whip hits me on the face and tells me to rush to the bottom of the mine to carry water outside with a pump; the piping in the bathrooms above is broken and the water threatens to soak the popcorn mines, making them worthless.
>All because I wanted to tie my shoelaces.
>an American cinema
No one says "I'm at the cinema" in America unless they're gay. We're not a bunch of awkward, lame homosexuals. We're cool. We're also efficient. So we use "theater", which is both the big room with the screen and seats and also the location itself.
This is why you fricking tourists can't meme. You don't really understand American culture. You think you do because you consume it 24/7, but you will always be weird awkward outsiders. Sort of like a dark reflection of American anon's positive obsession with Japan, only yours is negative.
>take my seat nice and early
>movie starts
>attendant approaches me
>he wants to clean out the birdcage above me
>have to stand up while he cleans it out
>guy behind can't see and starts swearing at me
>bird gets pissed off and starts screeching and rattling the cage
>spills water dish on the woman in front of me
>everyone in the cinema has stopped watching the movie and is turning and glaring at me
>attendant finally finishes up and lets me sit down again
>have a sip of my drink
>it's full of bird seed