>standing up to friends and/or bullies. Even though with the 1000+ students in the school this is bound to have happened with others within the same year too, 10 points specifically to you you
>For sneaking into Hogwarts' underground and pretending to die against against a magically autonomous, life-sized chess piece when you could have just jumped off of the horse piece you were riding... >50 points
>standing up to friends and/or bullies. Even though with the 1000+ students in the school this is bound to have happened with others within the same year too, 10 points specifically to you you
>gives points to students specifically for bullying slytherin students >pulls out a list of every student who had points docked by snape and gives them twice as many points as snape took just to spite him
The children adapt to the new bullying for points economy and create elaborate social pressures that force others to bully so their house can get points for stopping it.
This includes poly juice potion to change form into celebrities and seduce fathers away from the family unit, leaving the child angry at magic users.
Some say they have killed for points. Some say they will kill again.
>For sneaking into Hogwarts' underground and pretending to die against against a magically autonomous, life-sized chess piece when you could have just jumped off of the horse piece you were riding... >50 points
>it's as we feared. The Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened again. tell them Hogwarts is no longer safe... >continue to keep the students there anyway
>I'm not saying the school isn't safe now. I'm saying the school isn't quite as safe as it was before, which, let me assure you, is still completely safe by any reasonable measure.
>You needn't worry. The Philosopher's Stone has been moved outside of the environment. Voldemort or whoever is attempting to steal it will not be able to get it now.
>Sends first years, who know almost no magic, into Forbidden forest to help find something that is killing Unicorns as "detention" >Don't go to third-floor corridor right hand side or you will die a horrible death. Hope you don't forget that! >stairways just randomly shift on students trying to go to class >Oh no! Some monster is running lose in school and turning students to stone! Just be careful everyone, LOL. >We've invited the soul sucking Nazgul to guard the school. Please don't offend them or they might kill you LOL >Oh no! Sirius black the mass murder and one of Voldermort's greatest followers is getting in and out of the castle undetected! Be careful everyone LOL. >LOL people have died in this tournament, and even though you are a 4th year you have to compete Harry. You know, "binding magical contract", and all.
He says "AS safe", meaning it was just a bit less safe than it was previously.
What he meant was 'no longer a safe' meaning it was locking something up before and now it isn't since the safe door is open
He meant Hogwarts was no longer ass safe. Dumbledore is a famously dominant top, never one to pick his own flower. Now that is subject to change, and he fears for his own butthole's integrity.
>To Neville Longbottom, for getting hit by a petrification spell and having to sit in the infirmary while Madam Pomfrey drained the blood from his spell-induced erection, 10 points
>to keep people from doing them.
It happened to Ron in one of the movies/books, and Voldemort was literally conceived from love potion rape. It's super common.
Srsbsns fanfic alleges thats half the reason Voldemort was such a hardcore sociopath. It certainly didnt help with Meropes family ladder and Riddle Sr being English Gentry.
>Rowling also stated that Voldemort's conception by influence of Amortentia—a love potion administered by his mother, a witch named Merope Gaunt, to the Muggle Tom Riddle—is related to his inability to understand love; it is "a symbolic way of showing that he came from a loveless union—but of course, everything would have changed if Merope had survived and raised him herself and loved him. The enchantment under which Tom Riddle fathered Voldemort is important because it shows coercion, and there can't be many more prejudicial ways to enter the world than as the result of such a union"
5 months ago
Anonymous
How did she write this but then end up being a massive feminist?
>School is huge >Lots of abandoned areas, Forests even
It's seems like pure rape simulator, But "the ministry knows all the spells you use" and "Let's see what her last spell was" were randomly inserted ao I'd imagine it's not as easy as it seems
> the ministry knows all the spells you use" and "Let's see what her last spell was"
This was a dead give away that the book was written in homosexual bongland. A country filled with plebeians who love having government boot on their neck so much that they make actually include it in their fantasy fiction. Only a britcard could be so cucked that the thought would creep into its mind >ay wait a minute, all dis magic junk seems a bit dangerous, innit? Best we ‘ave a ministry day oversees dees tings to make sure no one uses no spells for funny business. That’s make me feel safe it would
>Look Harry I understand you want to have a normal schooling life and all, but you have to participate in the live or death eXtreme sports festival because...you just have to, okay?
he said calmly
And then everyone acts surprised and torn apart when someone actually dies in one
It was all staged and under control, the drowing guys had extra protection participants weren't told about etc. Only death occured outside of the event
He says "AS safe", meaning it was just a bit less safe than it was previously.
>So now there's a giant fricking snake running around freezing students and we also have a big fricking spider in our garden, our safety indicator is sitting at 3.6 >Not good not terrible
>Someone can put another persons name in the goblet. >If chosen the person must participate in the tournament or die. >No one puts Tom Riddle's name in it.
Why did this moron keep letting voldermort reappear in hogwarts over and over again? Every year kids were fricking dying or being put it mortal danger under his watch and nobody ever seemed to have a problem with it.
It was training for Harry and Dumbledore had an extreme amount of political pull.
Dumbledore's a manipulative bastard who was literally raising Harry into a child soldier that possibly had to fully die against Voldemort to render him mortal.
I don't think he knew for sure that getting killed by Voldemort would let him resurrect.
Because wizards are child soldiers. Harry Potter is identical to a lot of shonen anime for this reason which probably indicates how much shadow writers were behind this series.
And finally, to the Ministry of Magic. It takes a great deal of courage to imprison your enemies, but a great deal moooore to situate 300 dementors above a running school full of children. 60 points.
>OH NO THE STUDENT IS DEAD, WHAT A TRAGEDY! >ALTHOUGH HE COULD'VE EASILY BEEN KILLED BY A DRAGON, DROWNED IN THE MERMAID LAKE OR CHOKED TO DEATH BY WEEDS IN THE LABYRINTH IN ALL OF THE PREVIOUS COMPETITIONS >BUT THIS DEATH IN PARTICULAR IS TRAGIC!!
>NOO!!! Thats my boy! That’s my son!! My son who was willingly partaking in the most deadly wizarding tournemant, a tournemant that has taken the lives of many before him, fighting dragons and swimming around in a lake full of mermaids and giant squids that are trying to drown him >how could this happen to my boy?!
anon i...
it's because he died, people would've found it sad no matter how he died, but since Voldermort killed him it's a tiny bit different, since that wasn't a part of the tournament
>Help, help! Cedric Diggory has been killed! Yes, Cedric Diggory, my main rival as Hogwarts Champion and object of Cho Chang's affection, has been killed in the maze! Voldemort did it! He's been back for thirteen years, but he's back and he killed Cedric! Don't ask how, no one ask how! There were no witnesses, please do not look for any! The other two Champions in the maze were cursed with Imperio! Don't bother fetching your Veritaserum, professor Snape, I believe it's all been stolen. I am so upset right now. Has anyone seen Cho? Where do I get my prize money?
>Ah yes Harry, it seems neither your dead parents or your abusive foster family signed your permission form so I guess you can't go to the comfy snow village with your friends HAHA TAKE THAT YOU PUNK
she said, homierdly
>Yes Harry, you CAN play the flying death game or fight dragons without your dead parents' permission, but you CANNOT eat candy and drink butter beer. Sorry.
>And to the house who's pupils had to almost suffer their memory being permanently wiped by an egomaniac. Whom I selected purely on the basis that I could expose him, as opposed to hiring a qualified teacher with actual credentials. 50 points
>POTTERRRRRRRRRRRR DID YOU PUT YOUR FRICKING NAME IN THE FRICKING GOBLET OF FIRE SHIT PISS YOU Black person homosexual? >Dumbledore asked calmly
wtf Rowling
Beyond weak. If you understand the subtext, they're supposed to be stand ins, not even for full on nazi generals and fighters, like rommel, no. They're essentially stuck up parents, stuffy conservative types.
This was peace time. They were former terrorists. Harry trained a militia into a group of hardened commandos with a borderline religious zeal. Of course they beat them. Dumbledore's Army is just that strong.
>Harry you must have wonderd why we will be having these special lessons together this year, you see Harry there is a wand that is more powerful than any other wand, its called the elder wand, and it is in my posesson >ok professor I dont understand >well harry there is a reason these lessons are private aswell >I still dont quite understand professor >Relax harry, I had the title of headmaster long before I came to hogwarts.
>Harry. Give a few dosh would you mate? My family is awfully poor. In the next movie I won't even be able to afford a new wand, the single most essential thing needed to do anything in this school. Just lend us a few quid from your vault bursting with gold.
>Listen Ron, this school is expensive, I'll probably only have a few mill left and how would charity actually help you? You have to learn how to fend for yourself, these things require hard work.
>>Just lend us a few quid from your vault bursting with gold.
Every poor piece of shit ever who doesn't understand that lending a few quid to every poor piece of shit soon results in a vault not so bursting with gold.
>the incredibly fun triwizard tournament >3 stern and challenging events >of which only one of them allows the spectators to actually see what is happening in the event- oops, there goes potter flying away with the dragon, guess we won't know what happened here either
Reminder that people pay money to go to racing events where after a whole day of racing they've probably only actually seen about 30 seconds of cars driving.
It's like how oscars used to mean something until they started pushing diversity like letting hufflepuffs in and then people stopped remembering the winners
>IT'S HIM. YES, IT'S HAGRID. HE'S THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN! >DESPITE SLYTHERIN'S DESCENDENTS AND BRANCH HOUSES BEING QUITE WELL DOCUMENTED >ALSO IGNORE THAT HE'S HALF GIANT, WHEN SLYTHERIN DESCIPLES HAVE A STRICT NO RACE MIXING AGENDA!
To be fair, Hagrid still deserved to be expelled. How many hapless morons wandering the forest do you think his giant spider army murdered? >oops, we lost another Hufflepuff. Should we search the woods? >don’t bother.
>evil hitler wizards finally get into power and can enact their plans to eradicate muggles >sinks a bridge instead and does nothing else in muggleland for the rest of the franchise
lmao
They take pitbull potions at night and rip each other's guts out
Each kill recharges their mana. Heavy spell casters are the best dog murderers
House rivalries help set the tone for these unspeakable horrors
I like making fun of Potter, but I unironically enjoy it. The problem is that this series had four directors, so it's not as consistent like other franchises. Many different styles + Rowling's plot holes = mess.
The entire franchise, not just the movies, unironically coasts off the Columbus movies. It's all just an attempt to get another hit of something that even just reminds you of those movies.
Not the guy you replied, but I do also love to make fun of HP movies/books, while also love watching them.
On a technical level, HP movies are pretty well made, and recreate JK's universe pretty faithfully.
They also come from a time when cgi creators were actually professionals and were making wonders with the few tools they had. Goblet of fire looks amazing even to this day.
The problem lies with the source material they have been called to adapt. The core idea(a secret cool magic school) is pretty appealing, but JK is not a good worldbuilder so lots of established rules fall apart if someone uses common sense against them.
>And lastly, it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your friends >But a great deal more to hit they heystack for the gnome toss mini game in the GameCube version of Chamber of Secrets >50 points
Every movie the kids get set up. Basically, Dumbledore knows that only Harry can kill Voldemort and so every school class and lesson is part of that, for example the Phoenix or the Dementor lesson.
Dumbledore is a psychopath who will stop at nothing because he knows that even if Harry dies, one of the Horcruxes will be gone either way.
>SIIIIIIIILEEEEEEENCE >There's a troll in the dungeon so I want every student back in their dormitory >yes, even you Slytherin fricking shits, who's dormitory is in the dungeon
I would've argued that it was closer to Japanese internment then I remembered that scene in the director's cut where Dumbledore calmly implied that the room they were locked in actually had gas vents. Pretty odd that Hogwarts would need a gas chamber
>When ANY magical activity is performed in the vicinity of the underage individual, the Improper Use of Magic Office within the Ministry of Magic is alerted to the spell that was used and to the location of the caster and the time.
and YET the dark wizards keep on using magic around harry and the ministry never does anything
this lore is such a joke
He's talking about how the Weasley twins had a map that showed the real name and position of everybody on the school grounds, including people transformed into animals, and never thought there was anything strange if it showed their little brother sleeping together with a man for years
5 months ago
Anonymous
grim
5 months ago
Anonymous
why would they ever be looking at their little brother's dorm room?
5 months ago
Anonymous
It's a map, it shows everyone constantly, and the twins used it a lot. That they never happened to look at the Gryffindor dormitories at night (despite one of the most obvious uses for it would be to check if someone was there to sneak out or in) in years would be a pretty big contrivance
5 months ago
Anonymous
to check what he's up to
5 months ago
Anonymous
To be fair, the map doesn't give anyone's age, and they would have only seen him on the map for the first time when Ron started school. They'd probably assume he was another first-year.
She's based >So many students filed past the hospital wing trying to get a glimpse of her that Madam Pomfrey took out her curtains again and placed them around Hermione’s bed, to spare her the shame of being seen with a furry face.
>SIIIIIIILLLLEEEEEEENNNNCCCE! Before we begin the feast, I'd like to remind all students that the forbidden forest is strictly forbidden. HOWEVER, house calls to the moronic half-giant groundskeeper are encouraged. Now, our House Elf slaves have prepared a delightful treat this evening. Behold, Polyjuice Potion! This tonic will transform each of you into the exact physical replica of our beloved Gryffindor student Hermione Granger. Tuck in!
Well done all houses! Well done!
However: Some last minute adjustments.
All houses whose titles begin with the letter S will have all points deducted, with those points transferred and *evenly* divided between all houses whose titles begin with the letter G.
This was the result of a random alphabetical selection, conducted by myself and verified by Professor McGonagall. It in no way reflects any antipathy toward members of any house. Houseism has no home here. I would remind all members of Slytherin house that house-based superiority is a disease that must be corrected. Merry Yule!
>A troll has been discovered in the dungeons!! >All students must return to their dormitories at once! >Did I stutter, Mr Malfoy? GET IN THE TROLLS DEN YOU SLIMY LITTLE CUUUUUUNTS
>we dan't told ROn that I was Harry Potter because ifhe knew the Chosne One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters
Weeping.
>"Take off your clothes!" Ron demanded. "Girls shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes if they look hot. They should also make 75 cents for every dollar men make not have the right to choose!"
Beautiful.
>wizard tournament treated as brave and noble thing >participants are encouraged to cheat as much as possible, with no repercussions
Rowling is disgustingly British
>Harry, a hundred years ago, do you know what Hogwarts looked like? It was a sea of brown and black, here and there there'd be a white kid, but they were mostly trannies with purple hair. It was like a pile of shit with spots of mold growing on it. >You know what I did when I became Headmaster? I fixed it Harry. I took care of the problem. You see, it wasn't the students and staff themselves, it was the administration. Goblins, every single one. They came from the mountains with carts full of gold, and they infiltrated every level of the Ministry. Sure, they might look human at first glance, but if you check the "Early Life" section of Wizardpedia, you'll find the truth. >I won't go into details, but we got rid of them. We had help. And now, Hogwarts is clean. It's pure. Sure, I allow a few token minorities, like Lee Jordan who does sports, and what's her name, Ching Chong, but for the most part, Hogwarts is whiter than ever. And you know what else? Test scores have never been higher. We have to deal with the occasional mass school avakedavering, but it's a small price to pay for being able to leave the dormitories unlocked.
>tfw by the end of the decade AI will be good enough to tell it to re-edit, recolor, and retone all the subsequent shitty HP movies in the style of Chris Columbus's directorship before he got canned and we'll have more kino to watch
Can't wait
There really was that loss of magic and wonder after Chamber of Secrets. Prisoner was decent, but you could tell it marked the end of an era and began the age of that shitty blue filter. Never read the books, but the teen drama nonsense also really dragged down the film quality.
>paulie as the teacher against dark arts >in his classroom >a giant painting of dumbledore >paces back and forth and stopping in front of it >first class >hears some slitherin fricks talking shit about his painting >walks towards them in the back of his class and punches one of them in the mouth sending them rolling on the floor crying and lifts another up by their shirt >"you ever go whining to the big man about shit between you and me, you're gonna have a problem friend"
>you know it is forbidden to be out of bed at night. >as a punishment you will have to be out of bed at night and go to this place where you're forbidden from going to.
bravo rowling
I've never watched a Harry Potter movie growing up, and every now and then I'll think to myself that I should watch them, because I feel like I'm missing out on a giant piece of pop culture.
But then I read threads like this, and I realize how silly and ridiculous the franchise is.
Did Rowling ever address how much sex would be going on? Especially during the sexual revolution of the late 1900s, Jesus Christ they must’ve spent 4-7th grade doing nothing but get high off of literal magic mushrooms and fricking over and over, there’s probably a contraceptive charm that prevents girls from getting pregnant so they can just frick over and over and over. Some chick definitely took a train from the Quidditch team and transmutated all the sperm into tasting sweet like treacle tart so she could guzzle it down in gallons while stretching her legs for the seeker to find her clitoris
Every room in every building not depicted on screen is implied to be filled with magical e-girls begging for sex and licking each other's pussies to keep them wet and ready
If the camera pulled back a single inch the peripheral would ooze cp
god it must feel fricking amazing to be dumbledore
imagine it: you're the most powerful being in a school (closed environment) with magic
you can literally scare the shit out of everybody, control them, have fun, go crazy all you like
if I were dumbledore I could easily picture myself calling for a sudden student meeting in the hall at a very inopportune time like 3 at night or some shit, with the excuse that somebody has been found doing something very wrong like smuggling gaygopius dust or whatever the shit (which I'd be making up obviously), so I'm standing there with everybody who's sleepy but scared shitless so they're wide awake. They sit down, I take my time, and then
YES YES WELCOME ALL THANK YOU FOR COMING...YES................IT APPEARS SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN SMUGGLING NIGGIRIOUS DUST INTO THE SCHOOL GROUNDS............................. etc etc in that vein, then id force all students to receive a mandatory room inspection (i placed the niggay dust in one of the rooms myself obviously)
Fanfiction where Harry goes back in time, saves Merope Gaunt and takes her back to the present so that when Voldemort tries to be CIA he sees shota x milf porn!
I wonder how different it would've went if Harris had lived, and been Dumbledore in the other movies
I gained some respect for Gambon after watching Longitude, but I still think Harris was the better Dubledore
Can anyone who actually went to a British boarding school explain how these competitions work in real life? Do you get points for things like good grades, winning sport competitions, and staying out of trouble?
>smartest wizard in the world >never had an inkling that Mad-Eye Moody, a wizard he knew personally and worked with for decades was a psychopathic zealot impersonating him >had no clue Barty Crouch, a wizard he knew personally and worked with for decades was compromised and Imperiused >let Draco run amok and almost kill Ron and Katie Bell and just half assedly tell Snape to watch him >get lazy as frick and has Snape kill him because he couldn't be bothered
Dumbledore was really asleep at the wheel his last few years, wasn't he?
You want to know something funny?
That thing with the points and houses? We actually do that in real life in boarding schools in England. If you take away the magic, all the Hogwarts culture is just an exact copy of English boarding schools. >t. went to a boarding school as a local non-boarding student.
>for not being slytherin fricking shits, 100 points
HOWEVER
>HOWEVER
EVERYONE, PLEASE PANIC
OOOOOOAAAAAYH
>standing up to friends and/or bullies. Even though with the 1000+ students in the school this is bound to have happened with others within the same year too, 10 points specifically to you you
>That 4 hour director's cut where Dumbledore gives points for every school bullying incident over the past year
>gives points to students specifically for bullying slytherin students
>pulls out a list of every student who had points docked by snape and gives them twice as many points as snape took just to spite him
Dumbledore's never ending torment of Snape was pretty based
The children adapt to the new bullying for points economy and create elaborate social pressures that force others to bully so their house can get points for stopping it.
This includes poly juice potion to change form into celebrities and seduce fathers away from the family unit, leaving the child angry at magic users.
Some say they have killed for points. Some say they will kill again.
>and to you Neville Longbottom
>for something or other
>enough points for Gryffindor to win
>standing up to friends
wut
good friends will call you on bullshit
>For sneaking into Hogwarts' underground and pretending to die against against a magically autonomous, life-sized chess piece when you could have just jumped off of the horse piece you were riding...
>50 points
he wasn't riding a horse in the book, the three pieces they decide to replace just walk off the chessboard
>for saving the entire school from a troll
>zero points and detention in the murder forest
>it's as we feared. The Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened again. tell them Hogwarts is no longer safe...
>continue to keep the students there anyway
He says "AS safe", meaning it was just a bit less safe than it was previously.
Which to be fair is an accurate assessment of Hogwart's safety.
>Hogwarts is safe? No, murdered students!
Simpsons x Potter could take off.
>I'm not saying the school isn't safe now. I'm saying the school isn't quite as safe as it was before, which, let me assure you, is still completely safe by any reasonable measure.
Frick, forgot my picture
>You needn't worry. The Philosopher's Stone has been moved outside of the environment. Voldemort or whoever is attempting to steal it will not be able to get it now.
>Sends first years, who know almost no magic, into Forbidden forest to help find something that is killing Unicorns as "detention"
>Don't go to third-floor corridor right hand side or you will die a horrible death. Hope you don't forget that!
>stairways just randomly shift on students trying to go to class
>Oh no! Some monster is running lose in school and turning students to stone! Just be careful everyone, LOL.
>We've invited the soul sucking Nazgul to guard the school. Please don't offend them or they might kill you LOL
>Oh no! Sirius black the mass murder and one of Voldermort's greatest followers is getting in and out of the castle undetected! Be careful everyone LOL.
>LOL people have died in this tournament, and even though you are a 4th year you have to compete Harry. You know, "binding magical contract", and all.
What he meant was 'no longer a safe' meaning it was locking something up before and now it isn't since the safe door is open
Pretty sure they said it's no longer safe in every movie at least once
He meant Hogwarts was no longer ass safe. Dumbledore is a famously dominant top, never one to pick his own flower. Now that is subject to change, and he fears for his own butthole's integrity.
Keep in mind the entirety of Gryffindor house had gained a total of 312 points throughout the year.
>To Neville Longbottom, for getting hit by a petrification spell and having to sit in the infirmary while Madam Pomfrey drained the blood from his spell-induced erection, 10 points
>potent love potions
>brainwashing spells
>shapeshifting spells
>engorging spells
>full body freezing spells
Imagine the fricked up sex and rape that was going on in that school. Literally the first thing I would do is give myself a 10-inch dick.
It would have been flaccid like Harry's arm and spewing slugs like Ron.
>spewing slugs like Ron
Id bet that feel amazing if it didnt rip anything.
That fetish actually exists anon.
Hogwarts is in that regard an accurate representation of the average upper middle class British boarding school
There exists a plethora of wives tales around all these indulgences to keep people from doing them.
>to keep people from doing them.
It happened to Ron in one of the movies/books, and Voldemort was literally conceived from love potion rape. It's super common.
Srsbsns fanfic alleges thats half the reason Voldemort was such a hardcore sociopath. It certainly didnt help with Meropes family ladder and Riddle Sr being English Gentry.
It was said by Rowling herself
>Rowling also stated that Voldemort's conception by influence of Amortentia—a love potion administered by his mother, a witch named Merope Gaunt, to the Muggle Tom Riddle—is related to his inability to understand love; it is "a symbolic way of showing that he came from a loveless union—but of course, everything would have changed if Merope had survived and raised him herself and loved him. The enchantment under which Tom Riddle fathered Voldemort is important because it shows coercion, and there can't be many more prejudicial ways to enter the world than as the result of such a union"
How did she write this but then end up being a massive feminist?
>woman creates genocidal incel
Tale as old as time
>School is huge
>Lots of abandoned areas, Forests even
It's seems like pure rape simulator, But "the ministry knows all the spells you use" and "Let's see what her last spell was" were randomly inserted ao I'd imagine it's not as easy as it seems
>freeze and horrifically rape a student
>wipe her memory
>break magic twig in half
>"...uhh, guess I lost it. I'm just one big dummy, aren't I?"
why wouldn't this work?
So you’re saying… burner wands?
I mean there has to be a big black market for that, right?
because you're an incel
>cast the date rape spell, then just cast the "change the colour of your snot" spell 50 times
>Hmm, Gilderoy Lockhart is casting an awful lot of memory erasing charms
>it’s probably nothing
>with all that guy's been through he must have a lot of bad memories
they only track underage spells
Does that include spells cast ON the underaged?
Why do you ask?
> the ministry knows all the spells you use" and "Let's see what her last spell was"
This was a dead give away that the book was written in homosexual bongland. A country filled with plebeians who love having government boot on their neck so much that they make actually include it in their fantasy fiction. Only a britcard could be so cucked that the thought would creep into its mind
>ay wait a minute, all dis magic junk seems a bit dangerous, innit? Best we ‘ave a ministry day oversees dees tings to make sure no one uses no spells for funny business. That’s make me feel safe it would
God I hate them so fricking much.
>Obviously she isn't lampooning her oppressive government
>Literally the first thing I would do is give myself a 10-inch dick
in your ass
>the first thing I would do is give myself a 10-inch dick
Body modification spells are insanely hard, you'd probably chop it off or give it blisters
>Look Harry I understand you want to have a normal schooling life and all, but you have to participate in the live or death eXtreme sports festival because...you just have to, okay?
he said calmly
And then everyone acts surprised and torn apart when someone actually dies in one
It was all staged and under control, the drowing guys had extra protection participants weren't told about etc. Only death occured outside of the event
>So now there's a giant fricking snake running around freezing students and we also have a big fricking spider in our garden, our safety indicator is sitting at 3.6
>Not good not terrible
>It's not 3 Spiders
>It's 15.000
>he's obliviated, get him out of here.
An JKRW reactor getting cancelled? Impossible.
?si=3ay9DccV63ITRunT&t=7
Why can’t every thread be like this. Beautiful kek.
>"What did you do? LOOK AT IT, POTTER! FRICKING AMATEUR, YOU'VE STALLED THE REACTOR YOU FRICKING MUDBLOOD"
>Dumbledore asked calmly
>Raise the Power, Potter.
Maybe the challice kills you if you refuse to participate or something
It probably does like an Unbreakable Vow
Yes yes very good very good. However.. Maybe we just shouldn't place the murder-chalice in the school to begin with then?
>Someone can put another persons name in the goblet.
>If chosen the person must participate in the tournament or die.
>No one puts Tom Riddle's name in it.
I also read that fanfic
Death Note spinoff when?
Why did this moron keep letting voldermort reappear in hogwarts over and over again? Every year kids were fricking dying or being put it mortal danger under his watch and nobody ever seemed to have a problem with it.
>Every year
only after the fourth year and he dies two years after that so i guess he got what he deserved
It was training for Harry and Dumbledore had an extreme amount of political pull.
Dumbledore's a manipulative bastard who was literally raising Harry into a child soldier that possibly had to fully die against Voldemort to render him mortal.
I don't think he knew for sure that getting killed by Voldemort would let him resurrect.
Imagine being a racial supremacist terrorist leader and focusing your efforts on a boarding school.
Because wizards are child soldiers. Harry Potter is identical to a lot of shonen anime for this reason which probably indicates how much shadow writers were behind this series.
>To Harry Potter, for managing to tie his shoelaces without having to resort to the shoelace-tying charm: 30 points!
And finally, to the Ministry of Magic. It takes a great deal of courage to imprison your enemies, but a great deal moooore to situate 300 dementors above a running school full of children. 60 points.
>OH NO THE STUDENT IS DEAD, WHAT A TRAGEDY!
>ALTHOUGH HE COULD'VE EASILY BEEN KILLED BY A DRAGON, DROWNED IN THE MERMAID LAKE OR CHOKED TO DEATH BY WEEDS IN THE LABYRINTH IN ALL OF THE PREVIOUS COMPETITIONS
>BUT THIS DEATH IN PARTICULAR IS TRAGIC!!
THAT'S MY WIFE'S SON
MINE'S WIFE TOO!
>NOO!!! Thats my boy! That’s my son!! My son who was willingly partaking in the most deadly wizarding tournemant, a tournemant that has taken the lives of many before him, fighting dragons and swimming around in a lake full of mermaids and giant squids that are trying to drown him
>how could this happen to my boy?!
This would be a good picture to put into the AI smiling generator. See how Dumbledore is laughing there?
anon i...
it's because he died, people would've found it sad no matter how he died, but since Voldermort killed him it's a tiny bit different, since that wasn't a part of the tournament
>Help, help! Cedric Diggory has been killed! Yes, Cedric Diggory, my main rival as Hogwarts Champion and object of Cho Chang's affection, has been killed in the maze! Voldemort did it! He's been back for thirteen years, but he's back and he killed Cedric! Don't ask how, no one ask how! There were no witnesses, please do not look for any! The other two Champions in the maze were cursed with Imperio! Don't bother fetching your Veritaserum, professor Snape, I believe it's all been stolen. I am so upset right now. Has anyone seen Cho? Where do I get my prize money?
>Ah yes Harry, it seems neither your dead parents or your abusive foster family signed your permission form so I guess you can't go to the comfy snow village with your friends HAHA TAKE THAT YOU PUNK
she said, homierdly
>Yes Harry, you CAN play the flying death game or fight dragons without your dead parents' permission, but you CANNOT eat candy and drink butter beer. Sorry.
isn't that specifically because sirious nig was on the loose that year?
>And to the house who's pupils had to almost suffer their memory being permanently wiped by an egomaniac. Whom I selected purely on the basis that I could expose him, as opposed to hiring a qualified teacher with actual credentials. 50 points
>Oh that's interesting... it was only the female students in 1st and 2nd year, alas, a mystery.
>POTTERRRRRRRRRRRR DID YOU PUT YOUR FRICKING NAME IN THE FRICKING GOBLET OF FIRE SHIT PISS YOU Black person homosexual?
>Dumbledore asked calmly
wtf Rowling
>does not notice that a close friend of his is actually an imposter
>somehow is the greatest most powerful wizard to ever live
how fricking weak were the death eaters that they were defeated by a bunch of school kids in Order of Phoenix?
Malfoy's dad was an elite. That should tell you what level tgey were on..
Beyond weak. If you understand the subtext, they're supposed to be stand ins, not even for full on nazi generals and fighters, like rommel, no. They're essentially stuck up parents, stuffy conservative types.
The kids were also using spells the equivalent of rubber bullets. While the Death Eaters were using hollow point bullet spells.
This was peace time. They were former terrorists. Harry trained a militia into a group of hardened commandos with a borderline religious zeal. Of course they beat them. Dumbledore's Army is just that strong.
fyi in the books he did indeed rig it because he was tired of the decorations
>Harry you must have wonderd why we will be having these special lessons together this year, you see Harry there is a wand that is more powerful than any other wand, its called the elder wand, and it is in my posesson
>ok professor I dont understand
>well harry there is a reason these lessons are private aswell
>I still dont quite understand professor
>Relax harry, I had the title of headmaster long before I came to hogwarts.
>Relax harry, I had the title of headmaster long before I came to hogwarts.
Kek
>this milfy goth seductress will never groom you to the dark side
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
For me it's Bellatrix
>Harry. Give a few dosh would you mate? My family is awfully poor. In the next movie I won't even be able to afford a new wand, the single most essential thing needed to do anything in this school. Just lend us a few quid from your vault bursting with gold.
No soul no cash buddy!
>Listen Ron, this school is expensive, I'll probably only have a few mill left and how would charity actually help you? You have to learn how to fend for yourself, these things require hard work.
>>Just lend us a few quid from your vault bursting with gold.
Every poor piece of shit ever who doesn't understand that lending a few quid to every poor piece of shit soon results in a vault not so bursting with gold.
The real question is how the frick can you be poor when you have magic
What were they spending the money for
Fines for Weasley's banned Muggle objects.
Ok reasonable
>the incredibly fun triwizard tournament
>3 stern and challenging events
>of which only one of them allows the spectators to actually see what is happening in the event- oops, there goes potter flying away with the dragon, guess we won't know what happened here either
Reminder that people pay money to go to racing events where after a whole day of racing they've probably only actually seen about 30 seconds of cars driving.
>...and eternal glory
Yeah? Name another triwizard winner.
It's like how oscars used to mean something until they started pushing diversity like letting hufflepuffs in and then people stopped remembering the winners
>consume product
>get excited for next product
>no where to place your bollocks
kino actor. the other one doesn't come close
Not gonna lie, as a kid back then, the Beauxbatons introduction gave me boner
>Bloody hell
Goblet of Fire's movie is just drenched in awkward puberty vibes. It really should be destroyed
French girls are bawds!
>if only you knew how bad things really were
>*blows up Hogwartz*
>GOD SAVE IRELAND
>IT'S HIM. YES, IT'S HAGRID. HE'S THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!
>DESPITE SLYTHERIN'S DESCENDENTS AND BRANCH HOUSES BEING QUITE WELL DOCUMENTED
>ALSO IGNORE THAT HE'S HALF GIANT, WHEN SLYTHERIN DESCIPLES HAVE A STRICT NO RACE MIXING AGENDA!
Hagrid's dad is in unsung hero
Was his dad or his mom the giant?
his mother was the giant, dad was a manlet iirc
Hehe.
You forgot
>HE'S THE ONE THAT'S BEEN KILLING STUDENTS, KILLING STUDENTS WITH THE SYMBOL OF SLITHERIN: A LARGE SPIDER
To be fair, Hagrid still deserved to be expelled. How many hapless morons wandering the forest do you think his giant spider army murdered?
>oops, we lost another Hufflepuff. Should we search the woods?
>don’t bother.
The chances that before Hagrid the forbidden forest was just the forest are high
TOO BIG TO BE ALLOWED
Why are there no more giants at hogwarts during Harry's time? Is Hagrid the only giant that ever attended hogwarts?
Comfy and funny thread lads. I'm looking forward to watching some Harry Potter again this christmas.
>for triumphing despite their disability
easy win.
>evil hitler wizards finally get into power and can enact their plans to eradicate muggles
>sinks a bridge instead and does nothing else in muggleland for the rest of the franchise
lmao
THE BRIDGE EATERS
It's literally just a pedestrian bridge for tourists, a minor inconvenience at most.
I know this is a tv thread but he made my favourite song of all time
What song?
I’m very confused where the dumbledore link lies?
>gives a 14 year old girl a time travel machine so she can get to class on time
Why do they pit the houses against each other? I get doing it for sports but is that a frequent occurrence in uk private schools?
They take pitbull potions at night and rip each other's guts out
Each kill recharges their mana. Heavy spell casters are the best dog murderers
House rivalries help set the tone for these unspeakable horrors
>pitbull potions
Kek what kind of dog did Sirius Black turn into?
Yes it's pretty much a British school with magic and slightly less gay.
>pointing out potter's plotholes and inconsistencies is actually more fun than watching the blandest franchise in the history of franchises
Huh, weird
The first three movies are genuinely good. Azkaban is kino.
First two**
I like making fun of Potter, but I unironically enjoy it. The problem is that this series had four directors, so it's not as consistent like other franchises. Many different styles + Rowling's plot holes = mess.
You can't say they're bad movies. There's nothing that comes close to giving the feeling of being in a magic boarding school if nothing else.
The entire franchise, not just the movies, unironically coasts off the Columbus movies. It's all just an attempt to get another hit of something that even just reminds you of those movies.
Hermione's breasts were carrying the franchise since their first appearance in the third movie.
I've gooned to years 2-4 Hermione countless times
wienerulous repairo
You're right, I would never say that. I just wish they had similar styles. I think Azkaban had the perfect blend of whimsical and edgy.
Not the guy you replied, but I do also love to make fun of HP movies/books, while also love watching them.
On a technical level, HP movies are pretty well made, and recreate JK's universe pretty faithfully.
They also come from a time when cgi creators were actually professionals and were making wonders with the few tools they had. Goblet of fire looks amazing even to this day.
The problem lies with the source material they have been called to adapt. The core idea(a secret cool magic school) is pretty appealing, but JK is not a good worldbuilder so lots of established rules fall apart if someone uses common sense against them.
it was actually the best game the school has seen in a long time. he basically beat the magic version of deep blue
>And lastly, it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your friends
>But a great deal more to hit they heystack for the gnome toss mini game in the GameCube version of Chamber of Secrets
>50 points
Based. Gnome toss on ps1 was the only video game my parents would play
"DO IT HERMIONI KILL THAT FRICKING SLYTHYREN" said Dumbleman calmly as he stretched his legs.
Why did these morons use a security system that a child could outwit?
because only a child would not use the powers for evil, a grown-up would use it to destroy.
Yeah, sure. This is why a house like Slytheren exists, right?
Every movie the kids get set up. Basically, Dumbledore knows that only Harry can kill Voldemort and so every school class and lesson is part of that, for example the Phoenix or the Dementor lesson.
Dumbledore is a psychopath who will stop at nothing because he knows that even if Harry dies, one of the Horcruxes will be gone either way.
>sigh...somehow harry returned
>mfw Potter marries my sloppy, coalburning seconds
>SIIIIIIIILEEEEEEENCE
>There's a troll in the dungeon so I want every student back in their dormitory
>yes, even you Slytherin fricking shits, who's dormitory is in the dungeon
>You see we have four houses, yes, quite a system
>We put the courageous in Gryffindor
>The studious in Ravenclaw
>And the mass murderers in Slytherin
>and the morons in hufflepuff
>in the last movie, they just lock up all the Slytherins rather than risk getting stabbed in the back
>everyone else cheers
isn't this basically what the nazis did in ww2?
I would've argued that it was closer to Japanese internment then I remembered that scene in the director's cut where Dumbledore calmly implied that the room they were locked in actually had gas vents. Pretty odd that Hogwarts would need a gas chamber
It's the children of mass murderers. Who, interestingly, are still a problem.
Despite being 10% or the Wizard population, self cultivating pure-blood families make up 90% of all Wizard related murders.
House school shooter
Name ONE meme that isn't from the first four movies.
Deh
>When ANY magical activity is performed in the vicinity of the underage individual, the Improper Use of Magic Office within the Ministry of Magic is alerted to the spell that was used and to the location of the caster and the time.
and YET the dark wizards keep on using magic around harry and the ministry never does anything
this lore is such a joke
Yeah, and Ron was sleeping with a man!
wut
He doesn't know about the rat and the map, lmao!
could be possible if ratman lived as a rat the entire time and never transformed
although yeah the implications of ratman are quite creepy in general
He's talking about how the Weasley twins had a map that showed the real name and position of everybody on the school grounds, including people transformed into animals, and never thought there was anything strange if it showed their little brother sleeping together with a man for years
grim
why would they ever be looking at their little brother's dorm room?
It's a map, it shows everyone constantly, and the twins used it a lot. That they never happened to look at the Gryffindor dormitories at night (despite one of the most obvious uses for it would be to check if someone was there to sneak out or in) in years would be a pretty big contrivance
to check what he's up to
To be fair, the map doesn't give anyone's age, and they would have only seen him on the map for the first time when Ron started school. They'd probably assume he was another first-year.
How did the Wizarding world react to 9/11?
didnt notice
Who do you think caused it?
Goblins did it
>Yes yes, well done no plane theory well done no plane theory
Harry. Have I ever told you about goblins? Spiteful, greedy little creatures. In the muggle world they go by another name.
>In the muggle world they go by another name.
And they were good friends
all six million of them
how does she keep getting away with it?
It was a different time
She's based
>So many students filed past the hospital wing trying to get a glimpse of her that Madam Pomfrey took out her curtains again and placed them around Hermione’s bed, to spare her the shame of being seen with a furry face.
>SIIIIIIILLLLEEEEEEENNNNCCCE! Before we begin the feast, I'd like to remind all students that the forbidden forest is strictly forbidden. HOWEVER, house calls to the moronic half-giant groundskeeper are encouraged. Now, our House Elf slaves have prepared a delightful treat this evening. Behold, Polyjuice Potion! This tonic will transform each of you into the exact physical replica of our beloved Gryffindor student Hermione Granger. Tuck in!
The series, despite being silly and inconsistent for the most part, can hit pretty fricking hard when it wants to.
>*ron weaslys ass vibrating* thanks dumbledore
>someone is stealing Luna's shoes!
>that's awful! I wonder whay they are doing with them
Well done all houses! Well done!
However: Some last minute adjustments.
All houses whose titles begin with the letter S will have all points deducted, with those points transferred and *evenly* divided between all houses whose titles begin with the letter G.
This was the result of a random alphabetical selection, conducted by myself and verified by Professor McGonagall. It in no way reflects any antipathy toward members of any house. Houseism has no home here. I would remind all members of Slytherin house that house-based superiority is a disease that must be corrected. Merry Yule!
A 10 year old beating stock fish with no handicap would be a really big deal.
A POINT TO SLYTHERIN FOR EVERY israelite WHO DIED IN HOLOCAUST
>and Hermione Granger, for services rendered to the faculty, 69000 points
>A troll has been discovered in the dungeons!!
>All students must return to their dormitories at once!
>Did I stutter, Mr Malfoy? GET IN THE TROLLS DEN YOU SLIMY LITTLE CUUUUUUNTS
>Muggle can't attend Hogwarts
>but Muggers apparently can
Rowling?
I've got 99 problems but a witch ain't one!
>We need an exposition about the big BLACK dog, thats alludes Sirius BLACK
>Lets make that BLACK extra do an exposition
Cuaron had his share of fun on set, i see
OI WAS ROIPED
BY CENTAWS
Dumbledore gay and shit
Now that the dust has finally settled, what did JKR mean by this?
seek a medical profession for your sexual disorder
>Ginny felt threatened by 11yo french girl
lmao
understandable. how could she ever compete?
I'm crying
For me it's Garfield fanfiction
Lots to choose from!
What in the name of God.
TL;DR
bring your thousand words essays to Cinemaphile
in here we watch movies
>need to see you naked tonight
creased me the frick up
>we dan't told ROn that I was Harry Potter because ifhe knew the Chosne One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters
Weeping.
>the adventures of Ron Raper
>"Take off your clothes!" Ron demanded. "Girls shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes if they look hot. They should also make 75 cents for every dollar men make not have the right to choose!"
Beautiful.
i honestly fricking hate these moronic mugs
shhh
"shhh" ME AGAIN I DARE YOU, YOU MUDBLOOD SCUM
I unironically bought one of those mugs because of that pepe image
>They should also make 75 cents for every dollar men make not have the right to choose!"
Based Ron knows being racist and sexist is yes!
Ron is unironically a better character here than in the movies
>for the bombing run on Gaza
50 Points
>wizard tournament treated as brave and noble thing
>participants are encouraged to cheat as much as possible, with no repercussions
Rowling is disgustingly British
>Harry, a hundred years ago, do you know what Hogwarts looked like? It was a sea of brown and black, here and there there'd be a white kid, but they were mostly trannies with purple hair. It was like a pile of shit with spots of mold growing on it.
>You know what I did when I became Headmaster? I fixed it Harry. I took care of the problem. You see, it wasn't the students and staff themselves, it was the administration. Goblins, every single one. They came from the mountains with carts full of gold, and they infiltrated every level of the Ministry. Sure, they might look human at first glance, but if you check the "Early Life" section of Wizardpedia, you'll find the truth.
>I won't go into details, but we got rid of them. We had help. And now, Hogwarts is clean. It's pure. Sure, I allow a few token minorities, like Lee Jordan who does sports, and what's her name, Ching Chong, but for the most part, Hogwarts is whiter than ever. And you know what else? Test scores have never been higher. We have to deal with the occasional mass school avakedavering, but it's a small price to pay for being able to leave the dormitories unlocked.
>Sure, they might look human at first glance, but if you check the "Early Life" section of Wizardpedia, you'll find the truth.
kek
Frick you, Dumbledore. You're obviously just making shit up as you go.
obligatory
https://voca.ro/1c33pB4lG9Tm
>50 points to Griffindor
There's a troll in a girl's "dormitory"!
>tfw by the end of the decade AI will be good enough to tell it to re-edit, recolor, and retone all the subsequent shitty HP movies in the style of Chris Columbus's directorship before he got canned and we'll have more kino to watch
Can't wait
As long as it can edit Emma to permanently keep her looking like chamber of secrets era, I'm happy
There really was that loss of magic and wonder after Chamber of Secrets. Prisoner was decent, but you could tell it marked the end of an era and began the age of that shitty blue filter. Never read the books, but the teen drama nonsense also really dragged down the film quality.
>paulie as the teacher against dark arts
>in his classroom
>a giant painting of dumbledore
>paces back and forth and stopping in front of it
>first class
>hears some slitherin fricks talking shit about his painting
>walks towards them in the back of his class and punches one of them in the mouth sending them rolling on the floor crying and lifts another up by their shirt
>"you ever go whining to the big man about shit between you and me, you're gonna have a problem friend"
>you know it is forbidden to be out of bed at night.
>as a punishment you will have to be out of bed at night and go to this place where you're forbidden from going to.
bravo rowling
How did Sirius Black manage to buy Harry the equivalent of a Ferrari while being the most wanted fugitive in the world
He bought?
oi m8 just found me one lyin on the shelf unattended
I've never watched a Harry Potter movie growing up, and every now and then I'll think to myself that I should watch them, because I feel like I'm missing out on a giant piece of pop culture.
But then I read threads like this, and I realize how silly and ridiculous the franchise is.
>But then I read threads like this, and I realize how silly and ridiculous the franchise is.
That's what's good about it though
The first two movies are enjoyable.
You missed out on SOVL. The movies are actually decent compared to the crap we get now.
Did Rowling ever address how much sex would be going on? Especially during the sexual revolution of the late 1900s, Jesus Christ they must’ve spent 4-7th grade doing nothing but get high off of literal magic mushrooms and fricking over and over, there’s probably a contraceptive charm that prevents girls from getting pregnant so they can just frick over and over and over. Some chick definitely took a train from the Quidditch team and transmutated all the sperm into tasting sweet like treacle tart so she could guzzle it down in gallons while stretching her legs for the seeker to find her clitoris
Wizards don't do that sorry
Every room in every building not depicted on screen is implied to be filled with magical e-girls begging for sex and licking each other's pussies to keep them wet and ready
If the camera pulled back a single inch the peripheral would ooze cp
wtf Rowling
Good thread boys
>not Slytherin ehhhhh?
Harry would've bought Ron a wand if he had the ability. He bought a whole cart of candy for him when they first met.
god it must feel fricking amazing to be dumbledore
imagine it: you're the most powerful being in a school (closed environment) with magic
you can literally scare the shit out of everybody, control them, have fun, go crazy all you like
if I were dumbledore I could easily picture myself calling for a sudden student meeting in the hall at a very inopportune time like 3 at night or some shit, with the excuse that somebody has been found doing something very wrong like smuggling gaygopius dust or whatever the shit (which I'd be making up obviously), so I'm standing there with everybody who's sleepy but scared shitless so they're wide awake. They sit down, I take my time, and then
YES YES WELCOME ALL THANK YOU FOR COMING...YES................IT APPEARS SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN SMUGGLING NIGGIRIOUS DUST INTO THE SCHOOL GROUNDS............................. etc etc in that vein, then id force all students to receive a mandatory room inspection (i placed the niggay dust in one of the rooms myself obviously)
>most spells are pseudo Latin
>wordless magic is high tier
>For Ron it's somehow just "eat slugs, Malfoy"
Is it true he calmly died?
Yes, he ran over ten elementary school pupils crossing a road and then crashed into a propane storage tank.
Reminder that JKR ripped off a lot of material from The Worst Witch. Mrs Hardbroom is basically genderbent Snape.
Fanfiction where Harry goes back in time, saves Merope Gaunt and takes her back to the present so that when Voldemort tries to be CIA he sees shota x milf porn!
I wonder how different it would've went if Harris had lived, and been Dumbledore in the other movies
I gained some respect for Gambon after watching Longitude, but I still think Harris was the better Dubledore
harry potter threads are always kino
Can anyone who actually went to a British boarding school explain how these competitions work in real life? Do you get points for things like good grades, winning sport competitions, and staying out of trouble?
winner gets diddle by the coaches after class. it's tradition
>smartest wizard in the world
>never had an inkling that Mad-Eye Moody, a wizard he knew personally and worked with for decades was a psychopathic zealot impersonating him
>had no clue Barty Crouch, a wizard he knew personally and worked with for decades was compromised and Imperiused
>let Draco run amok and almost kill Ron and Katie Bell and just half assedly tell Snape to watch him
>get lazy as frick and has Snape kill him because he couldn't be bothered
Dumbledore was really asleep at the wheel his last few years, wasn't he?
imagine putting up with that wizard bullshit your entire life. I'd be checked the frick out too by then
>hmmm what should the instant death spell be?
>I know, Abra Kadabra!
>50 years to Gryffindor!
>Murus!
Damn, didn't know normie social media was that harsh, kek
You want to know something funny?
That thing with the points and houses? We actually do that in real life in boarding schools in England. If you take away the magic, all the Hogwarts culture is just an exact copy of English boarding schools.
>t. went to a boarding school as a local non-boarding student.
Damn, homie, that's a hard knock life.
>FLITWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK YOU MISERABLE LITTLE c**t I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SET FOOT IN MY SCHOOL AGAAAAAAIIIIIIIN
I'M SORRY MASSA
Hey wait a sec, I ain't even black!