>I have the Pope breathing down my neck after that little stunt you pulled in Jerusalem! Give me your crucifix and your sword, you're off this crusade!
 |
 CRIME Shirt $21.68 |
|
>I have the Pope breathing down my neck after that little stunt you pulled in Jerusalem!
you made me exhale air out through my nose and my mouth changed shape a bit for one second
Yeah. A better pepe would’ve absolutely killed it. Like another deus vult one holding a chalice and exasperated lmao
Hello, reddit
topkek
Alright, that's pretty funny.
>Sounds like your little trip to Ireland was successful
>A little TOO successful!
Cromwell got thousands of men killed in failed assaults and left his son in law to finish the job who subsequently died in another siege. Ireland was his worst preforming job compared to the stunts he pulled in England and Scotland.
You didn't elicit a physical reaction from me, but I did think that if I wasn't so depressed I'd have actually done a vocal laugh
>tap, tap, tap
>I'm in.
lel
Underrated
banger
Lost
>Scholar shoves quill through a piece of parchment
>Well Guy of Lusignan, Raynald is dead! Saladin slit his throat from ear to ear."
>the pope is asked to explain what a crusade is
>folds a muslim in half and sticks a sword through him
Heh
you mother fricker
Heh
Hardest I've laughed in some time.
I dont get it
event horizon
What? is the sword the "event" and the muslims ass the "horizon"?
Yes
everytime someone asks how Le Physics works a scientist folds paper in half and punches a hold through it: "THATS how space-time works"
Is the scientist the sword?
The scientist is the universe
That scientist? Albert Einstein.
I love you.
Is that how space time works?
Thank you, I finally get it.
t. moron
have another (you)
frick
good one
someone please explain this trope
The stereotypical movie explanation of how wormholes work is that you have a plane (piece of paper), and to get from one point to the other you have to go in a straight line, but a wormhole (hole left by the pen) can bend space and cut through (you bend the paper and pierce it, so point A and point B are "connected" via the hole).
Actually laughed
Didn't the Muslims create super strong Swords by taking a nearly finished forged blade that was still burning hot then sticking the blade into the body of a slave? Something about using human flesh to cool the sword made it stronger. Europeans eventually started doing the same thing but they used animal skins instead of actual people. I remember seeing it on the Kingdom of Heaven DVD when you enable the facts to appear throughout the movie.
No, they just had access to higher quality iron ore and had more refined smelting techniques.
This post was neither funny nor clever. It’s BARELY English ffs
Yuck. All these brown things on this board.
>ESL HOURS
I always hope it won’t be like this. But it always is at this time of day
Sneedthing
YOU'RE a brown thing
My fricking sides
In Latin, Sire?
laffin rn
YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY, ANON
good one
You win
Ok so entering this thread wasn't a wasted click after all
A daring synthesis.
Now this is why I come to Cinemaphile. The fact people hate you frog guys is just wild to me.
stunner
If I made this exact same lame joke I'd get maybe 2 (You)s at best. But no, aren't you special. I'm willing to bet you replied to yourself like 15 times until it eventually "caught on" and all these other homosexuals started replying.
A buddy cop film set during the Crusades with two templars would be amazing
>A buddy cop film set during the Crusades with two templars would be amazing
yea that could be a hit kino
Thats one of my dream kinos
>medieval buddy cop
>roman vietnam-style war film
no, a hothead Templar and a more relaxed laid back Hospitaller
>wacky chase hijinks lead to them toppling a big carriage
>some guy crawls from the wreckage with murder in his eyes, sees the Templar's red cross on white ground disappearing around a corner
>it's Phillip IV
It would be pozzed as frick, there'd be some subtext about them being secretely gay or something.
Prepare for kino.
>NIcholas Cage
>Anakin Skywalker
>playing as two crusaders and giving an asian girl the biggu whitu wieneru
The frick, how has Cinemaphile not talked about this shit before seems like potential meme material.
nice trips
probably the same reason why this board doesn'tt talk about the 20 (literally) straight to DVD/Digital C-movies Nic has been doing every year for the past decade.
kino?
Sort of like Pullo and Vorenus in Rome
doesn't sound woke enough imo to be a hit. how about a brokeback mountain style film about richard I and his french boyfriend set around the crusades
Now THAT'S what I call comedy
>You're a loose trebuchet, Locksley, you're off the siege! Hand in your sword and bow... and your other sword.
>loose trebuchet
eke
>Steppe Horde, I'm Tang Dynasty
>no one cared who I was until I got on the horse
Oh really? Do I look like I'm running China right now? Your hit, on the Great Wall, it didn't work, my friend! And now you have my horse archers going around the Silk Road at 24 hours a day! How exactly is that supposed to help my dynasty claim the Mandate of Heaven?
>I-I've given you a lot of princesses
>And this gives you suzerainty over me?
>You're a big guy for All Under Heaven
>well well, look at the city slickers pullin up in their fancy american tanks!
>TAMERLANE?
>Your car bomb
>And your OTHER car bomb
hahahaha dude
>where's the doctor
>I'm the doctor
>...
I laughed. Thanks.
>camera shows two crusaders glancing at eachother in the streets of jerusalem
>instantly cuts to the two of them cutting down muslims in the battlefield
kino
if the whole thing was played straight the movie would becom unparalleled kino, on God
>You're a loose arrow, Godfrey!
>loose
they had canons back then moron
Stolen.
>copypasta exist
My god he's cracked the case wide open!
OP here. You wouldn't believe me but that's quite literally me. Check the filenames.
>Stolen.
nice capitalizing, sir homosexual of new
don't mind me, just posting in legendary thread and gathering some digits
>You're a loose trebuchet, Sigismund! I don't know how they did things back in Agnicourt, but in this diocese we do things by the bible! I already have the apostolic nuntio riding my ass and now this! Do you have any idea how much we payed for that statue of St. Sebastian you dropped on that heretic? Italian marble, Sigismund! Can your German brain even comorehend that?
>You know why I pulled your camel over, Saracen?
>Mr. Crusader I.. I.
>Sir, step out of the camel.
>but didn't do anyth-
>HE'S GOT A SWORD
>not "get off your camel, sir"
moron
>CROSSBOWS LOOSED, CROSSBOWS LOOSED, WE'VE GOT TWO CRUSADERS DOWN, WE NEED THE HOSPITALLERS IMMEDIATELY.
Have you seen those warriors from saracenland? They've got curved swords. Curved. Swords.
>Three of Fools, verily.
>In truth? But a trio?
>Nay. Two compeers await us on the thatching. Our prize shall be delivered unto five.
>Correct thyself, and recall the author of our scheme. The number shall be six, indeed.
>The knave presumes to rest, but sample our harvest? Hah. A jest, from a Jester.
>A queer name. For what purpose?
>The troubador dons the dye and powder
>Powders?
>A pagan visage, to strike foes craven.
>Hark. The sentry approaches....and, is quelled. Curious. He did not move to rally his liege's men.
>Are we stayed?
>Nay, friend. For you speak to a bandit of great renown, the peerless Sir Dunnheir!
jesus christ, massively underrated.
It gets more kino every time I reread.
>but...it says here in the spymaster's report that he goes to the smithy to work the forge in the morning and goes right back home after sundown. He has no missus, no friends, he's not even in any guild. What sort of a devilish fiend are we dealing with?
HE'S A GHOST
SEND WORD TO THE EXCORCIST
>arbalest tracking muslim holding a maiden hostage
>"I-I c-can't get a clear shot, Sire!"
>"Fire and Bromstone! This is why women aren't allowed on the battlefield.... Give me thy crossbow, Initiate!"
>*twhang*
>*maiden dies*
>"There! Try and get him now."
>*hands over crossbow*
wat
killing the girl makes the target easier to hit.
my sides
>...and your OTHER sword
>Medicus Pavel, I'm Inquisition.
>He wasn't alone.
>Uh, you don't get to bring swordbrethren.
>They are not my swordbrethren. Don't worry, no extra coin for them.
>BARSADUS: They were trying to acquire your treasure. (smiles) They found employment with the mercenary. The veiled man.
>INQUISITION MAN: (excited) Durin's Bane?
Perhaps he is wondering why you would behead a man before throwing him out of a carriage?
>dropping dudes 2 feet off a carriage moving barely above walking pace
>expecting them to die instantly
Kek, the mental image is killing me.
The carriage maybe is travelling on a mountainside or over a tall bridge?
>If I pull that birdmask off, will you die?
>It would mean being burned among the infected...
>You're a big plague doctor.
>...for you.
Elaborate conspiracy plot unfolds where it turns out the pope is le bad guy and tries to execute them all.
>Dude we need to haul ass to Scotland or we are French TOAST!
> 16 dead peasants, 3 fields burned, a cow that won't lactate... what the hell happened out there?
>come on Jovius, just one more job!
>I already told you, no! I'm done with that life, I'm just a simple farmer now
It's over Catholics, I have the high ground.
>They expect one of us in the wreckage, brother.
>*flogs horses*
>*steps off accelerating carriage*
>*carriage goes off cliff*
>*turns around*
>*turns back again*
>*takes a compass out of his pocket*
>*bangs on it*
>*waits*
>*turns around*
>*massive explosion, burning carriage wheel flies back up cliff*
>unroll exciting new tapestry
>Hebrews have stitched yet another Moor into it
>immediately roll up tapestry
Millions must be crucified
>thou shall never be a maiden fare
>"The west hath falleth"
>*rings tower bell*
>*gets barred from the tower for 2 days because of racism outside of the random tower*
>westfalen
So many layers.
>Jerusalem hath fallen...
>billions must crusade
>And where art our reserve forces?
>Your eyes gaze upon them.
Serious question, Muslim and Christian kingdoms and empires seemed mostly on par in these ages, what the frick happened? Seems like the middle east just became frozen in time, completely frozen when you consider basically every modern innovation is western.
islam, man
Idk what answer I expected, it really just blows my mind. When are Asians or something going to invent some shit that changes the world? It's all white western shit.
>electricity
>cars
>planes
>firearms
>internet
>computers
>engines
>modern agriculture
Meanwhile the muslim world is fricking ancient and they're like bro! We can preserve grapes in mud for a super long time. I get that this or that wouldn't have been invented without X and definitely these cultures invented shit but the frick man.
Islamic countries were miles ahead of Europe in the dark ages, Then Europe was on top, Now we're entering the age of The middle east again with the rise of Saudi Arabia, UAE and Qatar
won't happen. those countries are purely fuelled by fossil fuels and outside expertise (and slave labour). their citizens are the ultimate welfare queens, not some hyper productive and innovative population which will sustain them when the juice runs out.
it will happen and last 200 or so years then swing back to europe again as it has always done. we're fricked compared to them
not disputing that we're fricked, but the middle east is more fricked. overpopulated and run purely on hydrocarbons which will either run out or be replaced. it's a massive powder keg.
How can nations that ostentatious call themselves godly? They also keep slaves which is detestable. The culture doesn't gel with the religious text at all. you could say that about the USA too but we aren't passing morality laws.
The New Testament has 5 or 6 verses in it that says slavery is okay. Abrahamics just have bad morals.
The quran demands their freedom. He reveals his truth in stages.
Post verses.
Off the top of my head
>Titus 2: 9-10
>Ephesians 6: 5-8
>1 Tomothy 6:1
>1 Peter 2: 18
>Collassions 3: 22-24
They were never "miles ahead", Europe was miles ahead of the south American civilizations when they encountered them but the Muslim world and Europe were basically at eye level after Rome collapsed then Europe started pulling ahead again.
Google hadith
Catholic church banned cousin marriage in the early medieval period (to the 7th degree, i.e. you really couldn't marry someone slightly related) and worked hard to break up tribal affiliations. It was a very internationalist organisation. Never happened in Islam, so there's a lot of nepotism and inbreeding, which makes it very difficult to run a nation state - every bureaucrat is looking out for his family first, clan second, nation last.
All the Muslim "inventions" were stolen from the Greeks. Eventually they ran out of shit to steal while Europeans had learned to make stuff themselves and kept developing.
they were still comparable for a lot longer than you’ve been led to think. the whole ottoman “sick man of europe” thing is only really true latter half of the 19th century. remember they were threatening vienna at the end of the 17th century.
Islamic countries never had renaissance or reformation. Like aside from imported goods Afghanistan is still in the middle ages. They genuinely believe little girls who go to school deserve to die so they blow up the schools when they're in class, they think thunder is god's wrath still. Yemen is the same. Like literal morons
The Muslim "golden age" was pretty much entirely fueled by conquest. Like playing civilization and investing nothing into science but everything into war productivity, once your conquest stops you can no longer take technology from other civilizations and fall behind.
Christianity actually allowed for philosophy and science to be done. Rationalism is only possible after the guys at the theological department did hundreds of years of theological discussion. Islam really wasn't doing anything with its theology much.
>Christianity allowed for philosophy and science to be done
ahhhhahaha
>Rationalism is only possible after the guys at the theological department did hundreds of years of theological discussion
hahahhaahaha
Monotheist ideology set shit back hundreds of years. Discussions about 'muh trinity' pushed nothing forward whatsoever.
Most of the legwork was done by Greeks, and to a lesser extent - Romans (no, not the Christian larpers).
Christianity had 1000 years at the helm in Europe, and did relatively frick all with it. Abhorrent ideology.
prechristians didn't do shit either. it was only when the christians got out of the malaise of their predecessors that they could progress. christianity being one of the few religions that believe things like that truths exist to be discovered outside of their holy texts, which gave them a curiosity about the world that nobody else shares. not even atheists share this curiosity, preferring the comfort of their "Trust The Science" dogmas that The Experts know everything worth knowing so nobody else needs to do any thinking about anything
scholastic philosophy is massively significant in the development of western thought- seriously mention once enlightenment philosopher who isn’t building off of or responding to them. and that’s not even mentioning shit like calculus. and no, romans really aren’t known for their philosophy at all (stoicism and neoplatonism are memes). it’s shocking how historically illiterate fedora tippers are, christ
>smug
>overly verbose
>reddit spacing
You know where you belong.
>resorts to ad hominem when he can't defend his religion with arguments
behold the christcuck
>person has contributed nothing funny or interesting to the thread and is just seething
ecce midwit
Not
>ecce homo
One job
>misgendering the enlightened gentlesir
>Christianity actually allowed for philosophy and science to be done.
Haha, no.
The church seethed when technological and scientific advancement was made.
The west would be no better off than the sand monkeys if they'd not grown tired of Christianity's frickery and made them sit down and shut up.
you already got refuted on this so replying again with the exact same moronic prose styling and zero substantiations for your claims isn’t a great move
Islam blocks a lot of advancement. Its a stone age religion hell bent on keeping it that way.I sometimes wonder if aliens look at us and laugh their asses off how fricking backwards half the human race is.
>stone age
Islam is literally the most recent major religion to be founded
its just judaism for muzzles, its like a reinvention at most
Muslims remained faithful, Christians moved towards secularism while claiming they remain faithful.
there was nothing secular whatsoever about western society pre mid 18th century. the biggest war of religion happened during the renaissance. secular progress came from herding peasants into mills, otherwise it just destabilised the frick out of europe like in france
MONKEYDUST DID IT
MONKEYDUST DID IT
>Whats wrong Einar? They got you pushing too many cheesewheels down in Seville?
Wherefore we henceforth know no man after the flesh: even though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now we know him so no more.
>we will never get a cross noir movie about a bunch of praetorians uncovering a israeli conspircy
>Dux! Aegypt!
>We're not aiming for Aegypt!
>Buzzio: And you, my friend, are responsible for delaying my communion with Jesus Christ our Lord!
Woodmund: YOU ARE A KNIGHT! You aren't a real warrior of God, you're an... aw, you're an mounted SOLDIER! You are a king's... plaything!
Buzzio: You are a sad strange little heretic, and have my pity. Godspeed.
Woodmund: Oh, yeah, well, good riddance, you madman! Commune with Jesus Christ.
This thread is funny as frick. Ill say this as an oldgay, you guys are the funniest people alive.
>old lady starts praying in Latin faster than the pope
Imagine being Arnold in that cloister and having to be all like "damn, Mindaugus of Lithuania, you frickin' fine, all converted to Christianity with your vassals and horrific Baltic paganism. I would totally take communion with you, both as a feted knight of the Teutonic Order and elector-count of the Reich." when all he really wants to do is sack another Novograd village in Ruthenia. Like seriously imagine having to be Arnold and not only sit in that chair while Mindaugus flaunts his dishonest conversion in front of you, the dim candle-lighting barely concealing his idolotry and ((Orthodox)) leanings, and just sit there, sermon after sermon, vigil after vigil, while he perfected that homily. Not only having to tolerate his monstrous fricking heresy but his haughty attitude as everyone in the duchy tells him he's STILL GOT ROYAL HOLDINGS and MEIN GOTT, MINDAUGUS IS PIOUS?? because they're not the ones who have to sit there and watch his Slavic fricking gremlin face contort into types of grimaces you didn't even know existed before that day. You've been doing nothing but bringing the true cross to Eastern Europe for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the boonies in Pomensia. You've never even seen anything this fricking heretical before, and now you swear you can taste the blasphemy that's breaking out on his goutish stomache as he sucks it in to pray in broken Latin, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to sit there and revel in his "Charlemanesque (for that is what he calls it)" crowning, the conversion he worked so hard for with Italian cardinals in the previous months. And then the abbot calls for another take, and you know you could kill every single Slav in this room before your brothers could put you down, but you sit there and endure, because you're fricking Arnold. You're not going to lose your ascenscion to Grosshochmeister Of the Order of Brothers of the German House. Just bear it. Lower your greathelm's visor and bear it.
lmfao
Funniest one ITT
I AM NOT CRAZY! I am not crazy! I know he broke that commandment! I knew it was "remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy". One after "thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain". As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't prove it. He – he covered his tracks, he got those fishermen from Galilee to lie for him. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This sorcery? He's done worse. That paralytic! Are you telling me that a man just happens to take up his mat and walk like that? No! He orchestrated it! Jesus! HE HEALED A MAN ON THE SABBATH! And I remained silent! And I shouldn't have. Pharisees took him into their own homes! What was I thinking? He'll never change. He'll never change! Ever since before Abraham was, always the same! Couldn't keep his hands off of the lepers! But not our Jesus! Couldn't be precious Jesus! Healing the blind! And he gets to be the Messiah!? What a sick joke! I should've stoned him when I had the chance! And you – you have to crucify him! You-
oy vey my sides
>Ever since before Abraham was
Lmfao, top tier reference.
>Ever since before Abraham was, always the same! Couldn't keep his hands off of the lepers! But not our Jesus! Couldn't be precious Jesus! Healing the blind! And he gets to be the Messiah!? What a sick joke! I should've stoned him when I had the chance! And you – you have to crucify him! You-
Holy fricking kek
>Ever since before Abraham was, always the same!
Brilliant. Maybe perfect if
>always ego sum!
I thought it was God that ordained this crusade? frick the pope
frick rdrama Black folk
marseymisia
>tfw it's basically impossible for a crusade film to be made today unless it shows how the Christians are all evil bad guys and secretly gay and the poor innocent Muslims dindu nuffin
kingdom of heaven was already that, they even made saladin some sort of secular humanist in it lmao.
>When I saw what the Teutons did with my design I realized what I had released onto the world and could only mutter lines from the heretic book
>I am become trebuchet, destroyer of fortifications
>what have I done...
>Johannsen's been hit!
>He needs Extreme Unction ASAP!
Off topic shitpost.
do you have a screencap of the "not henceforth" thread?
It starts with unus
ONE INCIPIT, I don’t know why
doesn’t even matter how hard I work my scribe
I designed this rhyme to syllogise in due time
all man can know
aristotle says time is an infinite thing
but watch it fly by with the reigns of kings
books of hours count down to judgement day
as the elements sweep our bones away
it’s so unreal
augsutine’s doctrine was all for show
didn’t realise he just copied plato
Tryin' to think on, he didn't even know
we reasoned about things we cannot know
I lost the spirit inside
And even though I prayed, my summa fell apart
What beatific sight revealed to me will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard
and theologised so far
but in the end
all i’ve written is straw
Lord take ye soul Sir Chester of the town of Benning.
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldnt even recognise me anymore
Not that I ate much back then
But it all goes in to me
In the end
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, my fasting fell apart
outlining the origins of science in ancient Greek philosophy, Draper presented the development of Christianity as leading to repression of science. His argument, aimed at his fellow Protestants, employed anti-Catholic rhetoric, but also said that these "two rival divisions of the Christian church" were "in accord on one point: to tolerate no science except such as they considered agreeable to the Scriptures", and both were liable to "theological odium". The book went through fifty printings in the United States alone, and was translated into ten languages.[1] Professor Ronald Numbers has pointed to Draper's book as a source of popular misconceptions about historical conflict between science and religion, saying that it was "less of a dispassionate history, which it wasn't, than a screed against Roman Catholics" motivated by personal animus at the behavior of his sister, a Catholic nun, regarding the death of his son.[22]
reminder that all "MUH ANTI-SCIENCE" rhetoric is because of one protestant seething at his sister