>sent my screenplay in to get analyzed
>had two readers look it over
>one hated it, the other liked it
This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, now I can't tell whether or not I should bother reworking it
>sent my screenplay in to get analyzed. >had two readers look it over. >one hated it, the other liked it
How long does it take someone to write a screenplay
hey, anon. keep going and dont give up. seriously, you got this. dont expect instant success especially when it comes to creative things that are subjective for what is good and bad material. ur gonna have to rework ur stuff constantly, but maybe just ask a few friends or family members to gloss it over nd ask for suggestions or feedback. id wait on reworking over just two people and only one not likin it
i wrote a 38-page tv show and that took me over two weeks nd probably around 20 hours total worked on, but second, third and fourth draft revisions were not included for total time spent
Depends on the project. This took me about five months of writing, plus probably another month or two before that of conceptualizing and brainstorming. But I'm not a NEET, currently employed full time, so that's put a strain on my time available to work on scripts. It's also only the first draft; I may have at least another five months ahead of me if I decide it needs a rewrite.
I doubt that, these professionals know what they're talking about. But there might be at least one anon willing to put in the time to read it and give feedback. I'll post the first ten pages here:
https://docdro.id/SucSEt3
If you're interested in reading more, give me a burner email or something and I'll send you the full file.
I'll never give up!
cool. thank you
>Three souls lie unconscious in the open back of a VAN. They
are HENRY (40s, he/him), ESME (early 20s, they/them), & AMY
(30s, she/her).
do u really need to put pronouns in a script nowdays or are you trolling us
That was an artistic choice.
>do u really need to put pronouns in a script nowdays or are you trolling us
Is this normal script formatting?
Capitalizing key items like a video game strategy guide, "(beat)" in the dialogue?
i think OP is ripping off the cell meet resident evil
My (beat)s are admittedly excessive. I feel it's in the nature of the script to have a great deal of awkward silences but I'm probably overdoing it.
As for the capitalizations, it varies from writer to writer, but I tend to capitalize key props and elements of the mise-en-scene. It makes things slightly easier for the people who (hopefully) make the film.
I'm mainly ripping off Huis Clos, but I also stole ideas from Saw and Phone Booth. I've never seen The Cell and I've never played Resident Evil.
What's wrong with nonbinary folks?
>What's wrong with nonbinary folks?
I don't understand what they are and why he or she doesn't apply to them
>What's wrong with nonbinary folks?
They have a mental illness.
Just get the frick outta here, go post your pandering woke shit on Reddit
I really hope this movie gets made so I can see anons like this raging about it.
>What's wrong with nonbinary folks?
everything
>ESME (early 20s, they/them)
dropped
alright, anon. I just read through. it wasn't bad, but you really need to clean up your 'action' spots. if you want the script to get picked up, it needs to be way tighter. quick example
>Lit by powerful fluorescents, the room’s windowless whitewalls are painfully bright. Henry, Esme, and Amy each lie unconscious on different SOFAS.
Instead, say
>Henry. Esme and Amy lay unconscious on separate sofas in a bright, fluorescent-lit room.
I read a while ago, that the less details, the better. Unless, it is super important to the plot. Apparently studio execs hate reading through tons of lines of exposition and will drop a script if it gets way too descriptive.
Thanks for the tips. You're 100% right, I'll try to keep things tighter in subsequent drafts. Are you interested in giving the full thing a read? You really only got a taste of it.
if you post the full version, i will. i dont feel like giving out a burner email. Also, just a little advice/recommendation- try finding one of your favorite movie's script online and then watch the movie in real-time as you read through the script. This exercise really helped me understand screenwriting basics. I listened to Sorkin on a podcast years ago and he said that was the best thing you can do as an aspiring screenwriter. Remember too, at the end of the day, these execs are reading 100s of scripts in a given month. There is a formula involved, you can stray and add creative flair, but dont do that too much or your script will get discarded ASAP
>Three souls lie unconscious in the open back of a VAN. They are HENRY (40s, he/him), ESME (early 20s, they/them), & AMY
(30s, she/her).
Anon if you're not going to take this seriously how do you expect us to?
Ummm sweaty don't tell me you're a bigot
He redeems it with the dialogue
I like it
Cast ESME
>they/them
Into the trash it goes
You should differentiate the characters more. It doesn't feel like three separate people. It feels like one person talking to himself. They melt with each other. Give them unique ways of saying things.You can do that even with short lines. I've read shitton of scripts and when you do that, you automatically omit characters' names on paper. You know why? Because in a good script you can always tell, whether it's from context or from the uniqueness of the voice, who says what. I don't see that here.
Well the person who liked it is probably a lib who works at an art college and gave it points for a they/them character and the latter is probably the one who knows what he is talking about so try to impress him.
you should share it here and we would give you a better opinion than any "professional"
what's the premise?
Three souls are trapped in a strange white room. A voice comes in over a loudspeaker and tells them that they're in Hell. They wrestle with the voice is a desperate bid for their freedom.
Sounds like a script that desperately needs skillful acting and direction to end up even just somewhat interesting for the average viewer. Try writing something exciting.
Sounds like derivative A24 style crap. Good on you for being brave enough to post it though.
ESME
Maybe we did something a long time
ago. Something we didn’t think much
of, but something someone else got
really mad about. And they paid to
have us locked up in here for...
for a really long time. Years.
Beat. Amy and Henry are baffled.
HENRY
What are you talking about?
ESME
What? That was in a movie.
I definitely feel the movie reference is one of the weaker parts of the script.
Esme explains it in the movie, pic related.
Can you believe one of my readers had the gall to misgender my character? They kept referring to Esme as a "she." What a bigot. It's actually pretty funny because I was making the same mistake when I wrote. I kept writing "she" in Esme's action script. I definitely see the character as a woman
I recently interviewed for a position as a reader and my interviewer said that 85% of scripts they get are bad. That actually gives me confidence because all you have to do is make something not bad and you're immediately in the top 15%.
Oh, I'm familiar with the formula, trust me. Also, sorry but I don't like the idea of a link to my full script floating around on Cinemaphile.
Yeah, but I can never succeed either
You're right. I'm trying to think of some kind of twist that'll make it more cinematically compelling.
>gives me confidence
Pretty moronic. You can write the best script in the world and it's only going to be used to wipe someone's ass if you haven't literally sucked dick for the past 10 years. You are NOBODY and NOTHING. You don't understand how this game works. Who you are and who you know is 1000% more important than how good you are. And if you knew anyone important, you wouldn't be HERE.
tons of garbage mail in scripts get made into movies
Name five.
this is incorrect. great scripts will start biding wars.
And the greatest script ever made will never even get read if the writer hasn't sucked the right person's wiener.
fake script shitposting is back on the menu, boys
Except it's not a fake script, I really wrote that 🙂
now i think you're bamboozling us
The entire film has a sardonic vibe to it. In the end they end up stuck in the room and some text comes on the screen saying something along the lines of "This is where the story ends in the real world. They die. But this isn't real, this is a film, so here's an alternate ending:" and the last scene is the police finding them and freeing them.
you posted this awhile ago. care to explain why you expected a different response?
The same thing applies to producers. Countless filmmakers report getting rejected
Aren't they supposed to give you constructive criticism? What's the point of sending it someone just to have them say if they liked it or not?
There are more unwanted screenplays in LA than there are used condoms.
You can't fail if you never try.
Rate my five pages.
https://docdro.id/nXS3Oi8
and post yours. This can be screenwriting general.
>sorry, posted early by accident
I gave it a read. First off read this post
The writing of the action is very messy. For instance, in the first paragraph you go into way too much detail setting the scene. All we really need to know is that it's a clearing in the woods. Keep things simple; precise. You also use "we" a lot. I suppose it's a matter of taste, but I and others hate it when screenwriters do this, because it draws attention to the outside world and away from the film. Looking deeper than that, a lot of your action is written without care taken to what can be seen and heard. Keep in mind that you're writing a movie here; things like Andrea nonverbally communicating that she's "ready" might not read well on the screen.
But the issues go deeper than that. After the first five, it's difficult to get a grasp of the general premise. Generally you should be able to tell what a movie's about and where it's going within the first ten pages, so maybe I'm missing something that's in the next five, but if I'm not, that's a bad sign.
This is a classic piece of advice. While it can be helpful to give each character unique syntax, it's not really realistic in the long run without developing characters with progressively sillier and sillier accents. What you really need to do is pay attention to is the content of their dialogue (what do they talk about? how do they go about talking about it?) and work on making each them distinct from each other. It really comes down to knowing each character inside and out.
I don't disagree, but anon still has to work on making it more precise. You could establish setting and set a vibe with much less than that whole first paragraph.
>You also use "we" a lot.
stopped reading there. Found a moron.
Why did that trigger you? You don't use "we" too, do you?
trigger? Where? It's just a textbook bad advice to not use "we" in a script. It always exposes the guy who gives it as a moron not worth listening to. So i stopped reading.
Or you could've just posted "yes, I do use 'we' in my scripts."
you still don't get it lmao
There's a good reason not to use "we."
Bullshit reason. It's an advice given in those shitty screenwriting courses that you overpaid for and should get your money back. Meanwhile, real, actual screenwriters who sold their scripts and are acclaimed will tell you that no one cares, it's a dumb rule, and they use we see, we hear all the time. Craig Mazin and John August made an episode of podcast about it.
No, it's ugly and it draws attention away from the film. I don't care what your podcast says.
waste more money
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter. As long as what's written in the action does a good job of describing what's going on, you can write it however you want. That anon's action had issues far beyond overusing "we."
like what? It was pretty clear to me, despite obvious ESL-ism.
A lot of what's written into the action is unfilmable. Action is supposed to describe action. There's also stuff like that ridiculous "note" cluttering things up.
>A lot of what's written into the action is unfilmable
then you have to be the biggest imaginationlet ever
Sorry, but your character silently pondering her innermost turmoil will only ever look like a woman sitting around doing nothing on the screen.
example in the text?
>Next to her is her husband MATTHEW(late 30s) snoring very calmly,as if he were aware doing it in any other way would've been inappropriate for this scene.
>She's confused because it took her totally off guard. Despite being in the woods at night, she never felt cold. She also never thought she's in a dream. We look at her face and something clicks there. You could almost see the machinery in her brain turning. She stands up, smiles a little and her whole body says I'M READY.
>It's SUNJAY(around 45). He seems like a thoughtful and considerate person. He's aware of the limitations this job has but he decided to do best under circumstances.
>>It's SUNJAY(around 45). He seems like a thoughtful and considerate person. He's aware of the limitations this job has but he decided to do best under circumstances.
okay i give you that. That's more like a general note about the character. But others are perfectly fine and i can see them easily on film. Because i saw them on film many times.
It's lazy. There are better ways to communicate these things.
you never saw a character thinking deeply about something? There's a scene like that in almost every movie in the world.
It's lazy and cheating to just write what they're thinking in the action. Show, don't tell.
>Show, don't tell.
that's literally
>We look at her face and something clicks there. You could almost see the machinery in her brain turning. She stands up, smiles a little and her whole body says I'M READY.
Nothing about that is visual except the standing and the smiling. How do you film something clicking in someone's mind? Offload all the work onto the actor?
That's lazy.
>How do you film something clicking in someone's mind?
are you fricking moronic? That's like one of the most cliche scenes ever. Guy is thinking about something and then boom
>i got it
you read scripts, but do you even watch movies, bro?
>and her whole body says I'M READY.
you haven't seen that one either? Watch some movies.
>dude watch some movies bro XD
You're lazy.
"Guy is thinking about something then boom" only works when there's an actual thing being realized. Meanwhile in that script we have no idea what she realized because it's all handled internally.
>Meanwhile in that script we have no idea what she realized
again, that's also a cliche lmao. You really don't watch movies. It usually goes like this. We see someone realizing something, you can see it on their faces but it's not revealed what it was until later. That said, it's obvious in the script what Andrea realized shadow is coming . Okay, i'm going to sleep. This is not productive.
It goes beyond us not knowing what she realize; it would never read on the screen as her having a realization at all. There's zero context in the action or dialogue to build that on. It would just be an empty change of expression.
>There's zero context in the action or dialogue to build that on.
but there is. There's a noticeable drop in the temperature that makes her confused. Why the frick am i not sleeping already? You're embarrasing. I'm starting to think you're just baiting at this point because no one can be that ostentatiously dumb.
>There's a noticeable drop in the temperature that makes her confused.
Screenwriters do this all the time and I hate it. What's being done here is an attempt to direct the actors. But screenwriters don't know how to direct actors, so all they bother doing is writing an emotion for the actor to portray. This is lazy screenwriting. Instead of ***telling*** us what your characters are feeling ***show*** us their emotion through their ACTION. Hence, the name of what you're writing: the ACTION of the script.
stop embarrasing yourself
It's lazy screenwriting. Write a novel instead.
You're sitting on a 50% RT score bro. Sort that shit.
>All we really need to know is that it's a clearing in the woods.
i don't agree. The rest of the description builds the whole vibe of the scene.
So far we've had two brave anons post their work for feedback. Who's next?
maybe (you)?
I'm OP, I already posted one. But I'll post another.
This one I really hate. It's about an AI relationship simulator bot that believes she's human. I think it's quite bad, but I'm curious to see what anons think of it. Some of you might like the coomer content.
https://docdro.id/mlejCY0
Don't google the title 🙂
I’m only 25ish pages in but so far I think this is superb. I could see it being a slow burn that’s a little hard to market, Ex Machina ish, but the coomer stuff no joke would help that. Some exposition seems trimmable, particularly when they’re watching TV together, but I’ll want to read to the end to make sure to only trim the non salient stuff
Are you a professional writer slash are you going to try doing anything with this script? Based on this, I could see it going far
(Also I love the Maschinenmensch and Cogito, even Molochish references)
OK it’s
again - I still like it but it falls apart a bit at the end, particularly the very end which happens so so quickly. There are a few too many groups running around and I’m uncertain of how the devil motifs pay off - at first I thought the LUVs were made by demonic assistance but that doesn’t seem to be so. Daniel seems a bit too unbelievably a goody two shoes and I think the Tower of Babel stuff should get clarified earlier since there are lots of people running around.
That said there does feel like a solid core in here and with some surgery to the end and some general polish (I hear little grammar flubs can make executives toss a script) this could actually get made
Would be happy to keep giving thoughts somehow if you’re interested
just remember OP no matter how good or how shit your screenplay is, there have been far worse films made. If Pauly Shore can star in anything then your script has a chance too.
I'd rather not just make stuff to make stuff, I'd rather try and make stuff that's good.
>there have been far worse films made
that's the most encouraging thing. The fact that so many bad scripts, or just okay/decent scripts get made every year. Treshold to get produced is really low It's just overwhelming majority of scripts written are just insanely bad. Any half-decent one with a proper structure gets made.
It's because ultimately what decides whether or not a film gets made is the people behind it. You can be a cynical hack and still make it if you've got the right connections. Being good is only a hurdle you've got to jump if you're an outsider. And even then, you've still got to be good with people in addition to being good at screenplays.
You're writing a screenplay? You deserve to be shot.
They've already sent your screenplay to their fellow Synagogue goers at the other studio who are in the process of mining it for ideas and making sure they can't be sued by you for what they steal