...starring...
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So. Xena remake, hypothetically...
...starring...
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Kristen Stewart...
I see some good suggestions, but as OP I think these two together would recreate the kino most efficiently.
> Kristen Stewart...
Paradoxically she is too butch and not butch enough at the same time for Xena.
Octavia Spencer
...and Angourie Rice...
they would either find the ugliest lesbian to star in it or the blackest nigress on earth
Zendaya as Aphrodite
No, clearly Sydney Sweeny is the one to fill those....cups.
Lizzo
They tried to do it a few years ago and probably gave up when they realized they couldn't make Xena a mopey brown girl
I'm surprised they didn't just go with Gal Gadot. Or was this when they were trying to make her a superstar so this would been beneath her?
10 years ago I would say Aly Michalka
I had the biggest crush on her from Phil of the Future
she gave me a thing for girls with wavy hair
Current day Lucy Lawless.
Only correct answer. No one can beat her
Gina Carano obvi
Gina Carano as Xena, Sydney Sweeney as Gabrielle, and me as Joxer
I'm da Joxer baby.
JOXER THE MIGHTY
HE'S VERY TIDY
EVERYONE ADMIRES HIM
HE'S SO HANDSOME IT'S A SIN
WHEN THINGS GET GRIM
HE'LL TAKE IT ON THE CHIN
HE'S JOXER
JOXER THE MIGHTY
Based
Frick no! They will ruin it with Lesbo shit and will add unnecessary brown people
>ruin it with Lesbo shit
Wasn't that the point of the show? I only watched the parodies of it.
Yes it's a joke post because the show plays with gayness and was filmed in New Zealand so is filled with Maori actors.
Ah. In that case, that was quite funny. Carry on.
No exactly. Sure Cena and Gabrielle kiss but they were mostly interested in men
They were bisexual and their relationship was very sexually charged. If you missed that I'm sorry but you may be blind.
Xena also fricks a Black person in like s1 or something
At the risk of sounding like a troon, bisexuals are the only actually oppressed orientation left. Most people don't believe bisexuality is even real.
Xena was strongly interested in both sexes, she had several lesbian relationships before meeting Gabrielle, and even peeped on and stalked other women when she was evil
it wasn't until later when they noticed how popular the show had gotten with lesbians that they started leaning into it
checked
there was already lesbo subtext as early as season 2
99% of the subtext was humorous in nature. Only in season 5 when Orci & Kurtzman became the head writers did it become "serious business" and we're implicitly acknowledged as a couple
>season 5
>Orci & Kurtzman
~~*coincidentally*~~, that's also the worst season
Agreed. I hated that they couldn't just let them be good friends. As if two women travelling together simply must lez out.
Based Joxerbros. most of my favorite episodes involve Joxer in one way or another.
You know what, anon? You're alright.
>her breaking character in the background being left in
it's stuff like this that makes me miss these campy shows
the whole show was a goddamn treasure. its a shame we'll never get anything like it ever again. even lesbians in the 90s were more fun than the turbo dykes and trannies we have to suffer with now
It's not a great show at all, but The 100 might scratch your itch if you're looking for something kind of similar. The main character is the one on the left, and she's bi. Yes, these two hook up.
Sorry, I didn't see the Black hiding in the left. The main character is the blonde woman, though she does have a boy's name.
>Don't watch Xena watch my modern CW slop where all the girls dress like Mormons instead!
>dress like Mormons
To be fair, she is very underage at the start of the series.
I'd give it one more shot because the end of that mountain arc is the best part of the show. I forget if it's the season 2 or 3 finale.
>To be fair, she is very underage at the start of the series.
God forbid you see an underage girls legs and tummy. Meanwhile in the 90s you could see 15 yo actresses in g-strings
i think i stopped watching around season 2 when some of the survivors woke up in the mountain, i didn't lose interest i just sort of forgot that show even existed. might check it out again
i like how they just said frick it and time jumped 25 years into the future kek
Yeah when RJ Stewart returned as head writers in S6 it got a lot better, although even he couldn't undo all the damage. The Chakram of Light was stupid
great episode
Didn’t they kiss in season 3 when Xena was dead and possessing Bruce Campbell?
that was season 2
Thank you, that actually proves my point even better that Xena/Gabrielle was treated somewhat seriously from pretty early on. That was a serious scene between Xena and Gabrielle.
plus based bruce had his hand on gabby's ass when he took back over his body
>Story starts with a young, innocent girl who runs away from home with an older, strong warrior woman
No wonder the show became popular among lesbians, it's like a goddamn wet dream.
there's a ton of fish jokes, too. every other episode xena shoves her fish in gabrielle's face. its almost vulgar, and as a fan of lesbian sex, i appreciate that
imagine the smell
>imagine the smell
trust me anon, i have
I told you im not xena. I'm lucy lawless
Ryan Gosling
Lucy Lawless has a really unique face that is perfectly suited for an amazon type character, because it's both strong and chiseled while still being pretty and feminine. She also has a lot of physical presence. Most actresses just can't pull off a character like Xena.
Emily Deschanel comes to mind.
Also, great with comedy. Perfect.
Agreed. Xena was perfectly balanced, but modern Hollywood has lost its ways and wouldn't know how to achieve this. If they had to cast a tough but sexy heroine today they'd put some ugly mutt trying to be a badass.
That blonde in the viking show or whatever, she's past 40 but could pull it off
Get puta on hormones and weights and she could do it
Idris Elba. Or stop it with the remakes, for the non ironic answer. Either way though, I'm not an accellerationist, but I would find the idris elba remake pretty funny. Just AI simulate him and have him as the star in anything you remake, forever.
Michelle Rodriguez
A modern day Xena show would probably end up being more adult with nudity and excessive violence like Game of Thrones or something. It would be a jolly adventure like the 90s show.
wouldn't be a jolly adventure*
so glad she did nudity before getting too old
Spartacus is actually exactly what a modern Xena would be like, it was made by the same people
maybe just with a bit more humor to it
>Censored nipples in Cinemaphile
Unbelievable...
Its against the rules to post uncensored
I'm agreeing that a modern Xena would suck, I'm saying it would be like Spartacus if they rebooted it and the tone would be wrong
Throwing anus.
Xev as Xena and Leia as Gabrielle
...starring...
early 2010s gina is one of those people who would've been a perfect choice for this. too bad she's 40 and overweight now
uh everyone forgot it's 2024... it's Xena Thee Stallion to you hoes!
Possibly the worst lyricist in the history of rap, and that's saying something
>I'M HOT
>GUYS WANT TO FRICK ME
>repeat this 700 times
>1,000,000 million records sold
because zoomers are moronic, they are the reason trap shit is popular
Absolutely 100% some ugly black nobody.
Here's your new Xena and Gabrielle, chuds. Were your expectations subverted? Deal with it.
xena reboot was not renewed for a second season
>first episode clarifies she fricked a Black
nah, the series was shit
He's a Maori
>he's not black! He just comes from a group of people who claim to eat the bodies of their enemies! Much better!!!!
well ok, so not a Black. A savage of inferior intelligence.
Xena likes big muscular men of any race, she's a indiscriminate ho who murders people on a daily basis. If the fact that at one point she fricked a non-white bothers you, you have bigger issues than what shows to watch.
I do have bigger issues
You seem to have smaller ones
I thank you for admitting your life is worth smaller amounts of importance than mine
yeah my life is insignificant but at least I know kino when I see it
not ready to watch Xena getting blacked.
Black folk most likely