>Sorry I'm late everyone. For some reason Ron sent his moronic owl that got lost with my acquittal letter from Dumbledore. So, I had had to spend several extra excruciating hours getting my soul sucked out in Azkaban. Now who wants a hug?
Wtf Rowling
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Half-giants don't have souls.
But then why wouldn't he just walk his fat ass straight out of Azkaban? Checkmate atheist.
Can't fit through the doors without a wizard magicking them bigger.
He's half giant, he'll just smash his way out. Checkmate atheist.
you'd think there'd be more pushback a prison full of soul sucking demons where multiple innocent people have been sent to but I guess wizards have always been depicted as slightly moronic in HP
Yeah, why did they use Ron's owl?
aris?
>Hey kids did you hear? I'm your new teacher. It'd sure be a shame if on the first day of class I let you play with a dangerous animal who would murder you in a heartbeat just for looking at him wrong
Azkaban really did a number on Hagrid's mental state.
That was the whole point of that scene, you're double dipping into what the scene was making fun of. Ten points from homosexual house
>Hagrid, as the newly appointed teacher of magical creature handling what do you have in mind for curriculum?
>Well you see Dumbledore as required reading the students need to purchase a book that will actively try to kill them. I'll only tell them how to safely open the book as an offhand comment in passing as we walk through the woods.
How did he not get sacked?
cronyism
Because Dumbledore thought it was hilarious
>Dumbledore youre the fricking wizard Yoda, be our leader dammit!
>Nah I wanna be a boarding school principal so I put children in life threatening situations for my own amusement
If Dumbledore is Yoda who is Mace Windu
Kangsley Handcuffrunner
Dumb because he's a jobber
Based
Mad-eye moody
>Hagrid... I simply can not allow this. If you tell the Slyhterins how to open the book, I mean.
>Herbology professor must be a hippy.
>Potions professor must be evil.
>History professor must be a ghost.
>Divination teacher must be a pessimistic crone.
It makes sense that the animal teacher must be a moron that loves to pet dangerous beasts.
>“Hagrid looked sadly up at him. “They was so little,” he said apologetically. “I’d pet ’em, and pretty soon they bit my fingers and I pinched their heads a little and then they was dead – because they was so little. I wish’t we’d get the dragons pretty soon, Albus. They ain’t so little.”
I always wondered why Dumbledore didn't just teach Defense against the Dark Arts himself. I know he's a busy guy you know with getting arrested every other week, but itd probably be a better idea than hiring Death eaters, frauds, werewolves, etc.
He thinks it's funny.
The werewolf and the Death Eater were actually very good teachers and the students learned a lot from them. The fraud was an inexplicable decision, especially because Dumbledore knew he was a fraud and just decided students didn't need to learn anything in this vital course for a full year
well after 50yr of people lasting only 1yr at the post some of which presumably suffered horrible misfortune if they dared to defy the famous curse of the job he was literally the only person he could find
after like 10 or 15 teachers getting btfo even the skeptics would be like nah frick that im doing that shit
Cause he knew it was a cursed position
I still wanna know how you curse an abstract concept
That one guy in the half blood prince wasn’t evil.
Slughorn however was negligent and half senile.
Not even his worst offense, he violated an international ban against experimental breeding to create a dangerous species of giant fire-breathing scorpions and then put them in the care of a bunch of 14-year-olds. Hagrid should have been executed by the Ministry tbqh
he just wanted to create more half-breed abominations like himself
not to mention breeding a massive colony of giant sentient maneating spiders in the nearby forest where he administers detention and an evil lich floats around drinking unicorn blood
what a nightmare
>breeding a massive colony of giant sentient maneating spiders
He was a good friend
Was that in the movies?
No, it's in the 4th book. They spend the whole year trying to wrangle these flaming abominations that even Hagrid has no idea how to control instead of actually learning anything about magical creatures
>They use at least one for an obstacle in the final tournament task.
The ministry does not give a shit.
They used an Acromantula even though it's listed as a highly dangerous man-eater in the Ministry's own classifications of magical species. Yeah, set it loose on 4 teenagers, who the frick cares
Makes fer gud watchin', 'specially when yer starin' dead horizon'ally at a ver'ical wall o' hedges. Muggles wouldn' unnerstand none...
For me it's staring at the surface of a lake for an hour during February.
Imagine a chemistry textbook that only opened if you poured acid in a little lock or something.
Hypothetically, could you train that book to suck your dick?
absolutely.
Wizards don't prosecute or care about crimes against muggles, so the only reason to not just become a muggle rapist is if you have a very specific book or spider fetish.
>Wizards don't prosecute or care about crimes against muggles
it's like their only job
>Wizards don't prosecute or care about crimes against muggles
Yes they do, in book 6 you see in the old memories how Voldemort's grandfather and uncle were arrested and imprisoned in Azkaban for assaulting a Muggle
The spell that makes people do what you want isn't illegal against a book.
Why would he be sacked when the punishment for being outside after sleeping hours was to send the kids to the creepy woods, with who knows what lurking there. He fit right into the school system.
>How did he not get sacked?
What do you mean? That's right up Dumb-Fricking-Door's alley. If anything, that's why he was hired.
what is going on with hagrid, why does his feet look like CGI
They either were or as part of his costume he had to wear large shoes to make himself look bigger.
The gardening class makes twelve year olds handle potentially lethal plants with minimal safety equipment, and the only school sport involves flying hundreds of feet in the air while iron balls try to smash into you at speed.
>Those lethal plants are the only source in the world for making a potion that would cure several students and a ghost of being petrified.
Literally no other place has any mature plants or extracts on hand necessitating those student to remain in their state until the end of the school year.
>now now Hagrid its not a punishment but merely a precaution
>if youre innocent youll be let out with a FULL APOLOGY
>sends him to wizard Guantanamo Bay mindrape torture cell
wtf Fudge
He can't wait for due process, he's far too busy being delicious.
the moral compass of wizard society is insane
Azkaban is fricked up man
I thought the whole point of Azkaban being an island was that even if there's a prison break, the prisoners are still stuck on an island and can't get back to the mainland. But Sirius was able to fricking swim to shore
>acquio closest broom!
Wow real hard to escape.
flying brooms arent regular brooms dumbass
No, the prisoners are stuck in their heads. The dementors are the actual prison, not the island. Sirius was actually innocent and the Dementors weren't able to mind break him with their passive ability because he was seething so much over the rat frick. When Sirius is in dog form he isn't actually human so the dementor's ability don't work that well on him also.
>should we question the defendant or witnesses with truth serum, mind reading, browser history of the wand, memory travel before we make a final decision that could suck their souls out?
>nah
Harry Potter threads are always GOATed tbh
Losing Richard Harris killed the series tbh
And Chris Columbus. He was really able to capture that whinsy that made the world feel magical. After Prisoner of Azkaban the movies are souless garbage.
>8 movies
>4 directors
>azkaban managed to blend whimsical with edgy
>it's the lowest grossing movie in the franchise
It's over, because they will be masterpieces compared to eventual remakes.
Azkaban is soulless, they wore muggle clothes for no reason.
was*
>they wore muggle clothes for no reason.
the reason was that it was humilliating for wizards to wear prison muggle stuff, moron
>Scared, Potter?
>"HERMIONE!" Malfoy shouted, storming down the corridor. Hermione froze. "You cheeky fricking c**t!" He said as he caught up with her. Malfoy bent lifted Hermione's skirt and lowered her panties. His face twisted in concentration. "One..." He mumbled, "Two.." He rose in triumph. "Two! I count two cheeks! What did I say!"
Nice digits, schizo-poster
>Mmmmmmmmm turn to page 394
>werewoles? But sir Professor Lupin was teaching us about bogarts and pixies
>mmmmm 10 points from Gryfindor
>page 394
Why were they learning about magical creatures in defense against the dark arts when they had a magical creatures class?
Calling them creatures would have been racist
Werewolves are created by practicing dark arts on humans
They were learning about a specific subset of magical creatures that are considered Dark creatures
>also trannies arent women
whoa rollying a little too much innit?
Yo why did the wizards stop wearing robes and just wore normal people clothes?
Witches wearing jeans and a pink hoodie? Uniform being a normal British shool uniform? Cmon...
> "Harry, I have some unfortunate news for you. Have a seat, would you lad. There is no easy way to say this, so I shall simply say it. I'm going to kill you now Harry. I have to kill you. A moment ago, when you were speaking to me, you uttered the phrase "whimsical wishing well water." If I'm honest, I'd zoned out by that point, so I'm not sure what the context was, but I'm sure you said it. Look at me, Harry. Stop that. Harry, 23 years ago I was approached by a cloaked man in Diagon Alley who offered me three galleons to make an Unbreakable Vow. I was down on my luck, Harry, and believe me, three galleons was not a sum I could walk away from at that point in my life. So I accepted the man's offer, and he clasped my arm and the Vow was made. Harry for the love of god stop looking for the exits, you know full well I've anticipated your every move by now. Look at me Harry. I am telling you this because I respect you. Stop stammering and have some dignity. The man made me vow that I would immediately kill whosoever uttered the phrase "whimsical wishing well water" in my presence. I do not know his motive or identity, and to the best of my knowledge we never met again. He paid me the three galleons and that was that. Alas, if only it were a Slytherin who said the words and not you. I spent years trying to bait the Malfoy boy to say it, but to no avail, he just wouldn't play ball. And no, I couldn't warn anyone about the phrase either, that was part of the vow. An Unbreakable Vow, mind you, so I've no choice in the matter. So that's it. I thought I at least owed you an explanation, lad. Stand up now, Harry. Harry, stand up. Be a man about it. This is harder for me than it is for you."
>he said calmly
Nice fail, stupid.
There was a very well thought out fan theory that Hagrid was actually a Slytherin, mostly due to his desire to own exotic and dangerous creatures above all else including his and others safety, as well as the logistics of him keeping the spider in the dungeon and being caught by the Slytherin prefect who also curiously knew him by name (there are examples of this not being a given in the books, the different years have little ability to interact if not from the same house or apart of a club like Quiditch). Those two facts make it highly likely Hagrid had to bed in the Slytherin dungeon dorms, plus him being part giant associates him with the dark arts by very nature (giants were team Voldemort and whatnot). Also a curiosity is that Hagrid as I recall told Harry several death eater members before in-universe it was revealed. True the Order of the Pheonix would probably be aware of some members identities, but it is still evidence.
This incredibly well thought out, thematically consistent, and positive (potential) fact for the series (showing that good wizards can still be slytherin due to their ambitious natures rather than just le evil house) was totally shot down by Rowling because Hagrid was a Gryffindor because all the good guys are Gryffindor and thata just how it is in her mind.
nah the sorting hat is an evil object that intentionally places evil people in the evil house so they can better unite in evil tbh
>slept whole day yesterday
>dreamt of seeing a scene of harry potter
>it followed hermione coming in to harry's quarter only to find harry and polyjuiced ron in the form of hermione fondling
Would that be realistic? I mean, why teenage boys wouldn't use polyjuice to frick other girls?
Because they imply in two books that actually brewing poly juice is incredibly hard. Let alone getting the ingredients.
>Awwww shit homie you may be hatin on Dumbledo, but yall gotta admit, that homie be stylin on you.
Jesus Rowling
>MAS BIEN, LOQUITA!
Did they ever explain how did Hermione’s parents know where to take her, and how did they believe in the Hogwarts letter?
I thought McGonnagal made a house call and explained everything to them
Dumbledore tells Harry in book 6 that a school official visits the family to tell them everything they need and make sure they don't try and stop their child from going to Hogwarts.
>make sure they don't try and stop their child from going to Hogwarts
they kill them?
You can 100% stop your child from going to Hogwarts, it's mentioned in the books that some parents do private tutoring instead, and a lot of parents start pulling their kids out of Hogwarts in book 6
>and a lot of parents start pulling their kids out of Hogwarts in book 6
that was because Voldermort was confirmed to be back at full power. Of course parents would start panicking
Yeah but nobody stop them or says they can't do it, the point is there's no requirement to go to Hogwarts
Wizard parents, not muggle parents.
There is no way magic could be kept secret if the relatives of muggles weren't all "fixed" by the ministry.
And don't forget the awkward handshake between Ron and Hermione that apparently was JKR's way of telegraphing their destiny as a romantic couple, meanwhile Hermione enthusiastically hugs Harry and that's apparently meant to tell readers Harry was getting friend-zoned. Really wtf, JKR?
I like Hagrid. Wholesome fella.