6 reasons the world may never recover from the Twilight franchise

It’s easy to laugh Twilight off as nothing more than watered down porn for middle school girls… but it is definitely no laughing matter. Twilight's effect on the overall mental health of society is very real and very serious. We’ve chosen to ignore other serious threats to civilization, but this is a disaster that calls for the mobilization of efforts to stop Twilight.

Teen pregnancy

Chiseled werewolf abs and whiny vampires who look like the guy that brings the guitar and folk songs to a kegger make the reproductive organs of teenage girls go haywire. This has obviously resulted in an increase in teen pregnancies. Some of these pregnancies might also be attributed to an increase in those sad kids that pretend to be vampires. If you think you are undead… there must be no way for you to give life… f*ck pullin’ out!

Vampire coolness on the decline

Throughout history the concept of a bloodsucking corpse creature from hell has been both fascinating and scaring the crap out of humans. This inherent fear has always resulted in a healthy respect for the vampire. Because of Twilight… Vlad The Motherfu–ing Impaler has been reduced to a creature not unlike a supporting cast member of “The Hills” who gets in fights with wolves.

Werewolf coolness also on the decline

Werewolves are another creature that has haunted the nightmares of the masses for centuries. In twilight the werewolves are more like closeted homosexual fratboys who run naked through the woods and get really steamed when vampires are c*ck-blocks. If that weren’t bad enough for the image of the werewolf… another slap in the face of this mythical beast was the fact that Hollywood made a Werewolf movie with Anthony Hopkins AND Benicio Del Toro suck balls.

Literary coolness also on the decline

Books have had their ups and downs. Sometimes people are burning them out of fear… and other times people dedicate their lives to the teachings of them. Selling the amount of copies that this book did is a nice window into the psyche of America, and it’s a dirty, sh*t-stained mirror with misspelled words and Justin Bieber stickers!

More creepy emo kids, resulting in more cataclysmic emo beatings

We’ve all been filled with the animalistic rage that takes you over when you see a pasty little emo kid. It’s quite difficult to suppress the urge to reign ugly blows on their sad little heads, but for the most part we seem to keep it in check. In Mexico however, they have succumbed to the temptation of droppin’ bows and unleashing hellish beatings upon the emos. Here is a video of the madness that can happen to a country driven to madness by the site of these emo kids.

With all these Twilight fans running around trying to look like vampires, the rage could very well be pushed over the edge and these skulls of sad socially inept people in dark clothing and makeup should be constantly aware of their surroundings to avoid a brutal alleyway gauntlet of pain.

Twilight obsession has driven them to thievery

The tickle in the vaginas of the moronic Twilight fans who desperately want to be pounded by a whiny little vampire has driven some fans of Twilight to steal. Burger King had a series of promotional posters for the release of one of the movies. These little maniacs were walking up in broad daylight, stealing the posters, then most likely running off to flick their beans around while they listen to AFI. This bold action of lawless behavior has no place in a civilized society.

We need to stop Twilight before things get any more out of hand. Our action must be swift and deadly. Everything we hold dear and sacred is at jeopardy. Don’t just stand idly by! Help start the movement: share this article with as many people as you can… or we will all pay dearly for letting more Twilight happen.

  1. 1 year ago


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