Let’s collectively write a Spider-Man cartoon, with each new post adding on to the last
Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68 |
Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68 |
Let’s collectively write a Spider-Man cartoon, with each new post adding on to the last
Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68 |
Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68 |
SPIDER-BLOOD
SPIDER-BLOOD
RADIOACTIVE SPIDER-BLOOD
Peter Parker lives in Montana
Then one day, Peter was bitten by a radioactive potato
Uncle Ben had sex with a hooker and contracted AIDS which caused him to die. Now, Spider Man has to find the hooker who killed his uncle.
The Hooker turns out to be a woman called Felicia Hardy who moonlights as a thief to support herself
Hooker was Peter's lost sister
But Peter's lost sister is a clone of Hydro Man.
Norman Osborn is responsible for the cloning, as he was trying to build himself a harem
Hydro Man was Peter missing father who was Norman's business partner, he was also his lover
Peter Parker is allowed to be happy and marry Mary Jane and Miles is his disciple
Miles has a threesome with Betty, Mary Jane and Gwen
Before Peter can "rape" (it's totally not consensual sex, guys. He totally did not pay the hooker to be there so he could have his "revenge for Uncle Ben") his long lost sister, Felicia Hardy, who is also a clone of Hydro man thanks to Norman Osborn. Felicia kicks Peter in the balls and quickly puts on a chastity belt. Peter is confused wondering why the Hooker would not want sex (considering it's her job which he totally didn't pay her for.) Felicia then explains: "In order to frick me, you must defeat my 7 evil exs".
The name "Miles" is referring to Miles Warren, the Jackal, there's nobody else named Miles in this cartoon.
Miles marries felicia and becomes peter's stepfather
But Miles has an allergic reaction to water and dies from Felicia's touch.
Norman feels guilty about Miles's death and attempts to clone him back to life but without water allergies
Peter still hasn't beaten any of the exs. Felicia's first one was Shocker and he SHOCKINGLY ran away.
Spiderman beats up mark millar for defaming aunt may
Hydro absorbs Miles semen before he dies and ends up with a girl who becomes spidergirl
Peter chases the Shocker to the ends of the earth, yelling like a madman the whole time. Every time he gets close, he starts throwing his balls at Shocker, who shockingly runs away again.
However the Miles clones turned out to be sapient forms of ooze and the creature escapes to lab to find Betty, Mary Jane and Gwen to have an orgy with again
That dog aunt may had in the 80s cartoon makes a cameo
Aunt may dog makes a suspicious eye gesture, hinting she might be hiding something
Shocker was the secret identity of the aunt may used to support herself after the welfare checks were not enough to pay her husband's debts
Because of Peter's autism, the chastity belt fell off. The chastity belt, angry that Peter left him, becomes Venom.
And now a word from out Sponsor, Hostess!
Peter starts calling himself Venom before getting a symbiote, as Venom all he does is dye his costume black and act more aggressive
Venom was peter's mother who was absorbed into the Symbiote a creature made by Norman and Peter's father. Venom lived inside peter to protect him from harm.
Due to the limited intelligence of the Miles clones, they start attaching themselves to random thugs to create Rhino, Scorpion, and Lizard
MEANWHILE!!! AT DR.wienerTOPUS'S SUPER SECRET SEXY LAIR!!!
Otro octavius remembers the time when he was Peter parker
Peter keeps chasing Shocker around the world until he's 87 and can't keep up with Shocker anymore. He gets back home to find Gwen married Norman and had a gorillion Goblin babies, Felicia got Morbed and MJ moved to DC
But everything turns out to be an illusion created by mysterio who was aunt may dog all along
Just as Peter finds himself in his greatest moment of despair, Hydro Man reveals that everyone Peter has ever know was actually a clone of Hydro Man.
Peter desperate to kill shocker makes a deal with Mephisto, Peter becomes Ghost-Spider
Hydro kills Gwen after Norman turns him down
All of Peter's potential GFs have fricked other men, just when Peter is about to khs, a smokin hot (North) Korean Spider Girl called Silk comes along AND
Silk was an uncle ben clone
Just as all seems lost, an alternate Peter arrives to recruit Peter to his multiverse army… but upon seeing Peter he leaves in disgust
Ben Reilly is just an average happy white dude with a loving family and kids. He has absolutely no relation with Spiderman in any form or way.
However recently Ben has been going through a bit of a crisis, worrying that he’s wasting his life. So he starts a rock band under the masked identity of Chasm
Ben Reilly was created in a laboratory by a young norman and peter dad
Ben Reilly suddenly woke up thinking "goddamn, maybe I have been rocking out too hard. Me? Having any relation to Spider Man? That's crazy. Maybe my wife is right. I need more kids."
All of his children are born with degenerative diseases a side effect of having been created by two inexperienced scientists
Peter tries killing himself to reunite with Uncle Ben after he fails life
However since Peter is Ghost-spider now Mephisto just throws him back on earth to complete his mission
>Peter's curse is to roam Montana forever and ever
>his curse is only lifted if he can kill Doctor Montana
Doctor Montana hires Rhino to bodyguard him
Peter has children with his uncle (Silk)
Silk dies from the AiDs Peter gave her(him)
Mephisto gave the AiDs to Peter as punishment for not completing his mission yet
The chastity belt was actually Carnage, it was larping as Venom.
Curt Connors learns he is actually from the planet "Lizardon". He uses his alien powers to become the Lizard.
Children are born with AIDS but norman adopts them and treats their disease
Curt Connors and the Miles Lizard find and fight each other as Curt despises Miles and his degeneracy
Lizardon was created by peter dad who accidentally dropped the cloning liquid into the sewers of manhattan the lizardons became politicians and part of the time ninjas
J. Jonah Jameson is worried that: despite making up only 13% of the population, clones make up 52% of crimes. He asks Peter to get pictures of the Spidermens unaware that Peter is also a clone.
Jonas son was created by norman because he is sterile and cannot have children himself.
Ghost-Spider realizes that a Peter Clone stole his identity and goes to kill him
Miles Morales fricks Mary Jane and impregnates her behind Peter’s back, and its not an illusion this actually happens
Since the only Miles in the story is Miles Warren, Morales is just an alias used by the resurrected Black version of Jefferson Davis the Confederate president
Norman Osborn watched Goblin Slayer. He sympathized with the goblins which is why he became the green goblin.
Mary Jane was Peter's great-grandmother who accidentally traveled into the future and she also suffers from amnesia
Stegron cures cancer and Spider-man asks him why he isn't turning people into dinosaurs.
Stegron Admits that Dinosaur would be pretty cool, but they would get boring after a while as there's only so much you can do with them
Ghost-Spider finds Doctor Montana, but gets his ass whooped by Rhino
William Baker was working at his father's sandwich company. He falls into the Sandwich machine, gains sandwich powers, and becomes the Sandman. He doesn't call himself the Sandwich man because witches are girls, he also can't call himself the Sandwizard man because wizards are 30 year old virgins. Baker is not 30 nor a virgin.
Baker dad was norman's biological brother he was abandoned because his mother was a maid hobgoblin uses this information to blackmail norman
and by blackmailing norman he gained access to a sacrificial knife used to summon the elder god Infinata
Ghost-spider decides enough is enough and reverse-engineers the cloning tech that made the Mile ooze villains in the first place
hobgoblin was being blackmailed by baker's mother who was still alive with the help of her lover the vulture
Ghost-spider's plan backfires. The Machine goes haywire and is now causing the cloneacalypse
Ghost-Spider fights Rhino for the last time, as he actually manages to defeat him this time by using the anti-cloning device, a machine that does the opposite of cloning
Mephisto becomes confused because of the cloneacalypse, Ghost-Spider feeling this confusing through his powers takes advantage of this and searches for Shocker
Ghost-Spider finally finds Shocker, drunk and miserable, robbing Ghost-Spider of any satisfaction in killing him
May still in shocker persona flees to krakoa island
One key problem of the cloneacalypse is some of the clones it's producing. The clones of Kingpin in particular are very gay for each other. They keep having gay sex everywhere. J. Jonah Jameson is considering killing himself because he is forced to report on this due to it being "news".
Eventually JJJ gets sick of reporting on it, so he makes a female clone of Ghost Spider named Honey-Bee and forces her to do the reporting
Another clone issue with the cloneacalypse is the clones of Mr.Negative. They are all super positive. Anyone considering killing themselves can't because the Mr.Negatives keep telling them "it will get better".
Ghost-Spider decides after killing Shocker that he can actually fulfill Mephisto's deal and kill Doctor Montana, however he will have to exterminate all of the clones he made to get to him
krakoa is a blatant Scientology parody called the Cult of Xatology.
Wolverine isn’t part of the cult he just likes to grill for their barbecues
lady stiltman is escaping with the sperm from the genius sperm bank!
Spiderman tries reaching the Avengers for help with the cloneacalypse but they can't pick up the phone. They are also busy grilling with Wolverine.
Spiderman then tries to call the Fantastic Four for help but they don't pick up the phone either. Why? Also busy grilling with Wolverine and the Avengers.
Peter great-grandfather who was a Nazi that worked for Hydra is found by the Thunderbolts frozen in the Arctic. He becomes the leader of the group and his first mission is to put an end to the clone apocalypse.
Spiderman then tries calling the X-Men for help. LUCKILY, they aren't at Wolverine's grill (He hates them all enough not to invite any of them) but...They are all involved in an orgy with Jean Grey while Cyclops watches. They promise to come help once the orgy is finished.
During the call, Professor X continues the Scientology metaphor by pushing Peter to buy his science fiction novels.
Emma Frost is there too but she’s good and really shy now because Angel bullied the confidence out of her. Angel proudly declares that all villains can be redeemed by bullying them until they develop anxiety
Peter great-grandmother imposes a Nazi state and sets out to take over the world with a clone army
The clones are all the ideal males of his ideology. Unfortunately a bunch of them decide to desert and become models or actors
Meanwhile, Dr. Doom breaks into Norman's apartment and asks why Norman never cloned him. Norman then says he isn't cool enough to be cloned. Yes, Norman is aware of the Kingpin clones. He actually just said that to frick with Doom.
Dr. Doom, pissed at Norman's words, invents Doombots to destroy all the clones he can find
Eventually Dr- Doom makes advanced versions of these Doombots called "Sentinels" and sells them to governments all over the world
Galactus was originally gonna come down and eat Earth but then he saw how much AiDs the planet had decided it wasn't worth it.
Reed who was norman and peter dad's teacher created doom from animal dna
Doom is then killed by the doombots. The doombots then become self replicating (probably because of Ultron or someother bullshit AI) to hunt down the clones. Unfortanetly, because half the world's population is clones (Thanks Oscorp), the Doombotacalypse has also started. If only the Avengers or the Fantastic Four were there to do something about it. Alas, Wolverine's grilling skills are just too good.
While all the chaos is happening across the globe, Mysterio is happily shopping for new fish bowls to use as helmets at the local Pets-R-Us.
Mysterio was betty alter ego
This would suck
But I would watch it, we need more shows about Montana
Mysterio's ball falls off his head and pops, it was full of pee. Without his ball he can't do illusions anymore, to stop his villainy nobody will ever let him have balls again.
The Spot comes out a hole. He then gets very upset that nobody remembers him.
The hungrier Kingpin gets, the more Kingpin eats and the fatter Kingpin gets. It's like that one Garfield strip where he reaches the size of a planet but Kingpin's still insisting it's all muscle. He literally holds his pants up with an asteroid belt.
Fatlactus, AKA Galaxy-sized Kingpin now feasts on planets. Hia voice echoes across the galaxy, still insisting that he is all muscle.
Meanwhile, Matt's autistic hate for Kingpin shoots Hell's Kitchen into space, conveniently very much in Fatlactus's feeding grounds.
This has nothing to do with Peter whatsoever and is presented in the form of a really long flashback
With all the combined apocalypse happening on Earth, a very angry ghost rider rides up to God and asks him, "WTF IS THIS SHIT!?"